9.30.2006

Avril Lavigne's Spitting Image


The paparazzi is spitting mad at Avril Lavigne.

The punk rock star has issued an apology in response to reports that she spit at the paparazzi Wednesday while out in Hollywood celebrating her 22nd birthday; and again the evening before that, when she supposedly hocked one up at a cameraman outside of hotspot Hyde Lounge.

"I'd like to sincerely apologize for my behavior with the paparazzi," Lavigne said Friday in a statement. "It's trying at best dealing with their insistent intrusions. I meant no offense to my fans, whose relationship I truly value. I have and will always go out of my way for my fans. My lugies were a reaction to the persistent attack from the paparazzi."

Spit is a clear liquid that's made in your mouth 24 hours a day, every day. It's made up mostly of water, with a few other chemicals. The slippery stuff is produced by the salivary glands. These glands are found on the inside of each cheek, on the bottom of the mouth, and under the jaw at the very front of the mouth. They secrete, or ooze, about 2 to 4 pints of spit into your mouth every day.

The Let Go singer did exactly that this week, exchanging gastroesophageal reflux with her husband, Sum 41 frontman Deryck Whibley, on Tuesday in a black SUV parked outside of Hyde. She then reportedly let go a lump of lung batter as photographers tried to capture the moment.

On Wednesday Lavigne was spied exiting the same club when she let loose a torrent of F-bombs directed at both the paparazzi and autograph-seekers, going so far as to scribble a few F-word laden phrases on some of the pictures handed to her to sign. This time she was videotaped forcing a phlegm fetus out the window of her SUV; just when you thought the mucus missile launching pop-star was gaining some class when she traded in her men's shirt and tie for a Vera Wang gown when she wed Whibley in July .

According to the singer's Website, her as-yet untitled third album will be released sometime during the first half of 2007. I can think of a few titles reflective of her talents:

Throat Missiles
Sidewalk Pizza Volume 1
Lung Chum and Love Songs
Clearing My Throat
Pavement Asterisks
Lateral Lung Lunch Lullaby
"It's really upbeat. I have a few love songs--it's so funny," Lavigne said. "Of course, I still have my boy-bashing songs, but they're very playful. So the record is really fun and cool and different, and honestly I think it's my best record yet. I can say that with confidence. Hgggggggh Thooooo!"

9.28.2006

GT Now Offers "GT Separation Service"

Gelotology Today is proud to announce a new service to it's readers!

Is your relationship with someone over, and you just don't know how to end it?

Are you currently seeing someone else on the down-low and want to make it "official"?

Introducing "GT Separation Service". A service that takes the anxiety of telling that significant other to hit the bricks...and the best part, it's totally free!

We asked our boss, and Editor, Dave, who came up with the idea, why in the world he would want to get involved in such a hard, and sometimes dangerous undertaking. "I think it's fun!", he said, standing next to his three burly, personal bodyguards.

"There are three different methods of 'mate disposal' we are offering: first there's 'Thoughtful', for those who hold no ill feelings towards the soon to be jilted. Second is 'Logical', for those analytical types, containing indisputable facts, pie charts, and witness testimonies. Then my personal favorite, 'Vindictive' , where we really get creative!", he said, with that patented, evil grin we have all come to know.

Look for a "GT Separation Service" web form on the sidebar soon! If you really can't wait to drop the bomb, comment to this post with the future ex's name, E-mail adress (we don't share E-mail adresses with any partner or third party), the type of service required; 1- Thoughtful, 2- Analytical, 3- Vindictive along with all the pertinent facts and consider the job done. No further contact with the recipient is required! So stop worrying, and start living!

Need more convincing that using GT Separation is right for you? Below is just a few of the test market testimonials we recieved:

"I was skeptical you could get the job done, but he's gone for good! He doesn't even drive by my parent's house anymore thanks to the included Restraining Order...GT, you're a lifesaver!" - Tess H., homemaker, Hoboken, NJ

"I thought I'd never be able to see Bob in public, but Susan is history now thanks to that incredibly indisputable bar graph! Thanks GT- Steven Q., accountant, San Fransisco, Ca

"I chose 'Vindictive', and I'm so glad I did! Good riddence to that fat,(expletive deleted), smelly (expletive deleted) man and his ugly, (several expletives deleted) mother!" - name on file, Little Rock, AK




Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Lie

The man who co-wrote the song "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" had the unsettling experience this week of reading his own obituary; the result of an impostor who went through life claiming to be the author of the 1960s smash hit.

On Tuesday, The Associated Press reported on the death of a 68-year-old man named Paul Van Valkenburgh of Ormond Beach, Fla., who claimed to have written the song under the name Paul Vance. The story cited the man's wife as the source for that claim.

But the music industry's real
Paul Vance, a 76-year-old man from Coral Springs, Fla., is alive and well, and says the other Paul Vance appears to have made the whole thing up.

"Do you know what it's like to have grandchildren calling you and say, `Grandpa, you're still alive?"' he said in a telephone interview from Coral Springs. "This is not a game. I am who I am and I'm proud of who I am. But these phones don't stop with people calling thinking I'm dead."

The Paul Vance who wrote the songs ; and provided proof with royalty payments he is still receiving for the hit, said he has been inundated with calls from people who think he died. An owner of racehorses, Vance said two of his horses were scratched from races Wednesday because people thought he had died.

Rose Leroux, the widow of the man who died, said her husband told her that he never got any royalties because he sold the rights when he was young, around 19. She said that by the time they met almost 40 years ago, he was making his living as a salesman.

To prove he is the real songwriter, Vance provided royalty statements showing dozens of payments for the tune sent to his address in Westbury, N.Y., where he lived before moving to Florida.

Leroux said she wished the other Paul Vance had never spoken up. "It's such a long time ago. To have it come out now, I'm kind of devastated," she said. "If this man is getting the royalties why wouldn't he be happy? The more you stir this up the more you'll smell. Paul can't hurt him now --he's dead. And we're not going after him for the royalties."

Editor GT News: I felt sorry for this widow, Rose Leroux, when this story landed on my desk, so I quickly penned a version Rose can call her own. Rose, I give you permission to steal this version, OK Babe?

Click here to play the music, and sing along with the widow!

Rose Leroux thought hubby wrote the lyrics
And that he sold the song rights stupidly
Rose Leroux thought hubby wrote the lyrics
So she put it in his obituary

It was a teenie weenie little lie, a salesman told before he died
That Vance had heard for the first time today
A teenie weenie little lie, a salesman told before he died
And the grandkids thought he passed away

Paul Vance showed the royalty payments
And the plan that Valkenburgh had hatched
Paul Vance showed the royalty payments
But his racehorses still all got scratched

It was a teenie weenie little lie, a salesman told before he died
That Vance had heard for the first time today
A teenie weenie little lie, a salesman told before he died
Vance had to gamble in some other way

Leroux wanted Vance to be quiet
Keep hubby"s lie that he wanted to tell
Leroux wanted Vance to be quiet
"The more you stir this up the more you'll smell"

It was a teenie weenie little lie, a salesman told before he died
That Vance had heard for the first time today
A teenie weenie little lie, a salesman told before he died
She's still mad at Paul Vance to this day

(From the lyrics to the payments)

(From the payments to the horse)
(From the horse to the smell)
Yes, there isn't any more

9.27.2006

Dalai Lama vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger...You Decide

Let the Battle Commence
The Dalai Lama was in Long Beach on Tuesday to address a conference of women presided over by California's first lady Maria Shriver. He also met privately with Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger for a secret battle on an undisclosed beach to decide a long running feud the two have had via E-mail.

"Arnold has been secretly training for this match for quite some time now," said a spokesperson close to the brawler.


When GT News asked the other combatant, his Holiness, what, if any, training he had done for this historic clash he paused, prior to his reply: "In one sense, we can say that other sentient beings are really the principal source of all our experiences of joy, happiness, and prosperity, and not only in terms of our day-to-day dealings with people. We can see that all the desirable experiences that we cherish or aspire to attain are dependent upon cooperation and interaction with other sentient beings", he said. When asked to simplify for our readers' benefit he said,"I'm gonna kick his ass."

In the GT office pool, wagerers are divided. "I don't see how he can lose. Arnold is pretty buff," said Sally, office manager. "Yeah, but the Dalai Lama can reincarnate after being killed," remarked Hsu, our graphic designer, "and can keep coming back for more."

The Dalai Lama has distilled his personal belief system to a simple phrase: "I kill with kindness," to which Arnold replied, "You're such a girly-man, you are going to wish you never came to cal-e-fornia!"

Throughout the interview, the Dalai Lama advocated a compassion "that is not based on the positive attitude of others toward you, but rather on the conviction that others are human beings and thus have every right to compassionate treatment, even if they are steroid-mutated politicians."

The Governor was physically knocked back by the verbal jab, but quickly recovered. "That's it Dah-lee LLama! Right here! Right now!" Arnold finally backed off when Maria threatened to punish him when they got home.

So, will we ever know who will prevail in this unprecedented battle? Who do our readers think will be victorious? Stay tuned to GT for more. D.

9.26.2006

Teddy Bear Trout Killer on the Loose

Evil fish killer in action
MILFORD, N.H. - A teddy bear has been implicated in 2,500 deaths. Of trout, that is. State officials say a teddy bear dropped into a pool at a Fish and Game Department hatchery earlier this month clogged a drain. The clog blocked the flow of oxygen to the pool and fish suffocated.

Hatcheries supervisor Joe Carpenter said the bear, who was dressed in yellow raincoat and hat , is believed to be the first stuffed bear to cause fatalities at the facility.

"We've had pipes get clogged, but it's usually with more naturally occurring things like a frog or even a dead muskrat or family dog," he said. "This one turned out to be a teddy bear, as security cameras clearly show."
The deaths prompted Carpenter to release a written warning and post it to every tree in the area: "RELEASE OF ANY TEDDY BEARS into the fish hatchery water IS NOT PERMITTED." "That should do the trick," he said proudly.

He said it's not known who the little girl caught on camera is, but clearly it was done with criminal intent. "If I ever run into this murderer, I'll...I'll...," Carpenter stopped short of threatening the child. He offered this advise to the public." I urge anyone whose bear ends up in a hatchery pool to find a worker to remove it. They might save your teddy bear, and keep it from becoming a killer," he said.


Rick Bassinger, an employee at the hatchery, sided with the bear. "He got beat up pretty good," he said yesterday, holding the toy carefully, a telltale weed poking out from the bear's hat. "Somebody's going to see him on TV and say, 'Hey, that's Susie's bear.'"

Build a Bear Workshop has posted a $10,000 reward and a certificate good for one stuffed toy to the person that provides the lead Fish and Game Wardens need to make an arrest.

In the meantime, Bassinger is suggesting a simple piece of advice to parents who allow their children to bring toys with them to the hatchery.

"Tie a string on them," he said. (The bear, not the child)

"It's kind of a cute little teddy bear and people wouldn't think that a cute little teddy bear would be able to kill fish so efficiently, but this little guy is as deadly as he is cute", Carpenter admitted. When asked if he would return the bear if the child was ever found,the supervisor was adament. "No way! This is going into my collection, next to the frog, dead muskrat, and family dog."

9.24.2006

UK Drug Use Up - Tony Blair Comments on GT

GT News Contributor Jonathan Crocker Reporting from London


New figures show the number of workers caught in Britain with cocaine in their systems has increased by 3,000 percent over the last decade.

The Independent reported that the new figures represent an ongoing trend among British workers. The decade also saw an 18 percent rise in employees failing drug tests, now about 5 percent of the country's entire workforce.

In 2005 alone, Medscreen reported that almost 7,000 workers in Britain were found to have illegal drugs such as heroin or cannabis in their systems at the time of the testing.

Most drugs, particularly cocaine, leave the system quickly, suggesting their discovery in workers' bodies was cause by recent prevalent use, the report said.

The newspaper said such frequent use undoubtedly involves the work week, not just on the weekends.

GT rang up Mr. Blair for a video phone- in and he was kind enough to take time out from holiday to answer a few questions.


GT: Welcome to the programme Mr. Blair
TB: Thank you for having me Jonathan. Wow! Look! I can see you on this phone!

GT: Yes Sir, it's a video phone um..I can see you too, Mr. Prime Minister.
TB: Coool

GT: Yes Sir...well anyway...um.. what do you make of reports that drug use is up 3,000% in the UK in the last decade?
TB: 3,000 %...(laughs) I thought you couldn't go any higher than 100%. I mean, isn't that like, the most something can be?

GT: Um.. right...so are you planning to start more testing for illegal drug use?
TB: I don't need to take a drug test, I'm the Prime Minister, you git. (nervous laugh)

GT: No Sir, that's not wha..(sigh)...Sir, reports are Brits are using cocaine and cannabis during the week now as well as weekends and it's effecting job performance. What's your view?
TB: Well Jonathan, I must say, for the record, that I do not agree with any kind of drug use AT ALL during the work week. I want to be totally clear on that issue.

GT: Ok, fair enough...I..
TB: Damn straight

GT: Right...um...Mr. Blair, I can see you making faces at me, this is a video phone.
TB: (clears throat) Um, no.. it's..um, I have something in my eye.

GT: Are you feeling OK Sir...you look a...um, a little tired..or...something.
TB: What are you saying Jonathan?

GT: Oh, nothing... it's just tha-
TB: I'm fine Jonathan, are you insinuating I'm... on something now? ( Blair looking irritated)

GT: Umm...no.. uh...yes, yes I am Sir. Sorry Sir...(clears throat)
TB: Preposterous... look here Jonathan...look, see this? (Tony Blair holds up a swab to the camera phone)

GT: Yes I do...
TB: (In front of the camera, Mr. Blair undergoes a mouth-swab drug test for cocaine and heroin. As he dips it in a glass of liquid the results shown are negative.) See! Hah Ha!
GT: Uh, Mr. Prime Minister...that's a Q-Tip and your dipping it in a brandy..... aren't you?...Mr. Blair? (emphasis)
TB: (no reply)

GT: Mr. Blair?
TB: (camera shows the prime minister reaching around to back of video phone, pulling wires out, then laughing as he inserts a small spoon into his nose and snorts)

GT: Mr. Blair, we can still see you.
TB: Aaaargh! ( goes insane attacking video phone)

(blue screen)

end interview

This is Jonathan Crocker, reporting from London.

Back to you Dave...

Thank you Jonathan. I hope he's gonna be ok. And Jonathan... are you still there?

Yes sir, I am.

Charge him for that phone
.

Video Phone Capture of Tony Blair on GT

Blair prior to wigging out

The Maduro Story From Venezuela - Translated!


Just to fair for our reporting, the organism at GT, for our readers wanted to give the change to see the side from a story differently, and this case, the happened things of relations to Foreign Minister Nicolas Maduro of Venezuela was unusually debated to U.S. authorities at J.F.K. Airstation in New York. Following is the story, unmovable by electronic devices in spite of it is translated for English. Enjoy

The U.S.A. apologizes by the happened thing to Maduro New York. -
The chancellor was accompanied by his woman and one of its daughters when, according to his own declarations, it was retained around 90 minutes and prevented its exit, >in spite of identifying itself like member of government of high rank.

Maduro it had participated in the debate of the General Assembly of the UN and it was arranged to return to Caracas. The American newspaper "New York Times" mentions in its edition of today a spokesman of the Secretariat of State of the country, Galician Gonzo, that affirms that the organism laments the happened thing and that "the government of the United States apologizes before the Maduro chancellor and the Venezuelan government".

The CNN informed, mentioning an identified worker of the White House, that Maduro arrived only 30 ahead minutes before the exit of its flight, did not pay its tickets in metalist and later it was arranged to happen through the security controls. When the workers requested to him that he happened for the second time through the metal detector, the chancellor refused and instead of it he made a call by the movable telephone, according to the transmitter.

Maduro then it was lead to a small room to continue with his registry and it was requested to him that the clothes took off. In a press conference that it gave later, it assured that the security civil employees were aggressive when he recognized to be the head of the diplomacy of Venezuela, that insulted to him and threatened striking it. Of unofficial form one said from the White House that Maduro it presented his identity diplomatic later, when their documents of trip were asked for to him.

Average Americans related the event to the words of Venezuelan president, Hugo Chávez, before the General Assembly of the UN of some days ago, when she said that the American president, George W. Bush, were the personification of the devil. Also they reported that after the retention and the delay of one hour and average before the civil employees American to receive the permission of trip, Maduro he later decided to remain in New York.

The reason alleged for the halting was an investigation by its apparent participation in the attempt coup d'etat of a group of the military in 1992 against then president Carlos Andrés Perez and in "terrorist activities".

I can be understanding now more to his laments due to our security controls... D.

9.23.2006

French Daily Reports Usama bin Laden Dead

Listen to Steven Hawking read this article

Usama bin Laden is dead.

That iUsama waives bye before deaths the claim of The daily L”est Republicain, a French newspaper, citing a French secret service report, that Saudi Arabia was convinced bin Laden died of typhoid in Pakistan in late August.

The daily quoted “usually reliable sources” (most likely Saudi Arabian) that Usama bin Laden had died of typhoid fever, and French authorities are investigating the bin Laden ‘death’ leak.

French President Jacques Chirac said on Saturday he would investigate the source of the leak of the confidential French defense ministry documents, and stressed the report had been in no way confirmed.

“I was rather surprised to see that a confidential note from the DGSE (General Directorate for External Security) was published and I have asked the minister of Defense to start an investigation immediately and to reach whatever conclusions are necessary,” Chirac said.

Typhoid fever is a life-threatening illness caused by the bacterium Salmonella Typhi. In the United States about 400 cases occur each year, and 75% of these are acquired while traveling internationally. Typhoid fever is still common in the developing world, where it affects about 21.5 million persons each year.

In a videotaped message airing on the Arabic-language television network Al Jazeera today, second in command Ayman al-Zawahiri cautioned all Mujahedeen fighters across the Middle-East and in particular the mountainous regions surrounding the Afganistan-Pakistan border, to take precautions to prevent the spread the deadly bacterium.

GT has obtained a written transcript of the al-Zawahiri message:
'In the name of God, praise be to God, and praise and blessings be upon the Messenger of God, his family, his Companions, and all those who follow him. I want to reassure you about our situation. The fall has started hot with operations escalating in Afghanistan. The enemy struck a blow against us with this so called Typhoid fever. The Infidels will not succeed in this effort, God willing.

My brothers in this struggle, I have Googled 'Typhoid fever', and compiled a list of precautions that can be taken to save you from this martydom, praise Allah.

First, for those fighters in the caves of the White Mountains: this Crusader Fever, as we call it, can be ingested from sewage contaminated foodstuffs. You must not, I repeat NOT, evacuate near your food and water supply. I can not stress this enough my brothers. Set up one cave for evacuating both your solid and liquid wastes, and one cave for your food and water. This is important, praise Allah.

Second, to those freedom fighters in Tora Bora and elsewhere, may God bless you and grant you superiority over the idolatrous infidels. But heed my warning to you.

Good Muslims with this fever carry the bacteria in their bloodstream and intestinal tract. In addition, a small number of followers of the Prophet, called 'Carriers' , recover from this Crusader Fever but continue to carry the bacteria. Both ill fighters that are striken or the Holy Carriers of this plague by the idolatrous infidels, traitorous apostates, and those turncoat deviants, shed this abomination in their feces.

A victory in Islam will never take place until all freedom fighters wash there hands after evacuating. To this end, I am sending out liquid hand sanitizer to all fighters on the Peninsula, it dries quickly and leaves no sticky residue, and kills 99.99% of the germs that cause this Crusader curse. Praise be to Him!

This is my opinion, which I do not preach as infallibile, but I have reviewed the top 50 returns on Google search engine and I am sure this will aid in our victory. We ask God that He send down his victory upon us that he promised to his faithful worshipers.'

Arrest Made in Spinach Death

A Gelotolgy Today Exclusive

Listen to Steven Hawking read this article

Los Angeles- Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber always had a moral message in their long-running "VeggieTales" video series, but they weren't talking when asked to comment on news that an arrest has been maKale The Spinach Booking Photode in the death of one person and the sickening of 166 others from E. Coli infected spinach.

Arrested late last night on an undisclosed spinach farm somewhere near Los Angeles, California was Kale The Spinach, 33 , of Garden Grove, California.

The investigation into the source of the nationwide epidemic took an unexpected turn Wednesday when police recieved a tip call from ex-lover and longtime co-star of the hit children's television series, Larry The Cucumber, 27 of South Central.

Sources close to the investigation tell GT that Kale and Larry had an on-again - off-again homosexual relationship going back to 1996, and that stories published in the news media of Larry The Cucumber's troubles with the religous right, when a battery-oLarry The Cucumber consoles Laura Carrot's husbandperated Larry The Cucumber toy was pulled from store shelves and banned after choking incidents involving 3 children and a 63 year old minister from Wisconsin, put a strain on their relationship. But lately it's reports of bar-hopping and rumors of a secret affair with Paris Hilton that may have been too much for the leafy-green star.

Kale The Spinach is charged with one count of first degree murder and numerous counts of attempted murder, conspiracy to commit murder, and various food tampering charges after DNA samples taken by police tested positive for the E. Coli strain responsible for the attacks. Police deny rumors of ties to al-Qaeda or any other terrorist groups. Kale The Spinach spent six months in Pakistan in 2004, insisting his visit was part of a U.N. food relief program there.

Police are interrogating the part human- part vegetable suspect to determine where and when he spread the E. Coli and what other Vegetable-Americans he may have come in contact with. Files recovered from The Spinach's home computer led investigators to the 22nd floor apartment of Laura Carrot, were they found her lifeless body dangling from her own stalk to the balcony below. Authorities launched a seperate investigation into whether the death was a suicide or if foul play was involved and if Laura played any part in the E. Coli attacks. Being called in for questioning and testing, among others, are 5 year old Junior Asparagus, Petunia Rhubarb, the imfamous Madame Blueberry, and due to FDA concerns over the impending fall harvest, the comic duo of Jimmy and Jerry Gourd.

On Friday, officials said spinach grown anywhere outside that area is safe to eat — but the industry needs to figure out how to let consumers know the origin of what they're buying before the green can return to sale, said Dr. David Acheson of the FDA's Center for Food Safety and Applied Nutrition.

Gelotology Today reporters were waiting outside the courthouse when sheriff's deputies transported Kale The Spinach to his arraignment hearing yesterday. He appeared whithered and limp as he approached the courthouse.

We got a chance to ask the suspect if he was bitter over being turned in by his co-star turned homosexual lover and if he had anything to say to him......"Eat me", he said.

Stay tuned to GT News for more on this developing story.

9.22.2006

Help Find The Pope!

The Pope is hiding in this crowd. Can you find him?
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
***click on the photo for an expanded view***

Pope Benedict XVI will meet on Monday with the ambassadors of Muslim countries and the leaders of the Muslim community in Italy amid the uproar over his remarks seen as linking Islam to violence, the Ansa news agency said.

The meeting is to take place at Castel Gandolfo, the pope's summer residence outside of Rome, the agency said on Friday.

Italian newspapers have recently mentioned the possibility of such a meeting to allow the pope to explain his recent controversial remarks.

The comments sparked several days of protests in Muslim countries, prompting the pontiff to say he was "deeply sorry" for any offence and attributing Muslim anger over his speech to an "unfortunate misunderstanding".

Now, unfortunately for the pontiff, due to recent threats, he must try to blend in with the crowd and Gelotology Today needs bloggers help.

Can you find Pope Benedict XVI at this anti-Muslim extremist rally?


Click on the photo for a greatly expanded view of the crowd. Feel free to post below if you think you've found him. We've added an A -Z grid at the bottom of the photo to help you describe his location. For example, you could say he is located in column D between the woman in red and the man in the hooded sweatshirt. To ensure the pope's safety we ask that you don't divulge his whereabouts to any terrorist networks.

Thanks for your help and Happy Hunting !

The Staff @ Gelotology Today

Eat a Roach?...Don't make me puke!

Yummy Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches
Why wait in line when you can just eat a cockroach? That's the question Six Flags Great America is asking its thrill seekers during its Halloween-themed FrightFest. The amusement park is daring customers to eat a live Madagascar hissing cockroach in exchange for unlimited line-jumping privileges.
If you ask me (and I'm aware- for all you smarty pants out there -that you didn't) the daring thing would be getting on a ride next to anyone who would eat a hissing cockroach. Especially before being spun, tumbled, and flipped upside down.

If there's one thing worse than eating a Madagascar hissing cockroach, it's being yacked on by some line-jumping FrightFest Fruitcake hurling chunks of GASTRIC CAECEA ( little sacks inside a cockroach that keep germs and enzymes available to help a cockroach digest its food) in your face!

...I mean think about it~ some Ragin' Cajun ridin', Madagascar eatin' mental midget, blowing chunks of Madagascar MIDGUT (that’s the middle part of the intestine where the cockroach absorbs nutrients so it doesn't explode) all over the enormous novelty hat you just spent $32 to win at the arcade.

Imagine, if you can, the true horror as little Joey, who begged and pleaded with you to ride the Giant Drop, finds himself slathered with giant drops- of vomitous MALPIGHIAN TUBULES (you say malpighian tubules, I say cockroach kidney). Either way, to little Joey, and his newly found lifetime supply of emotional baggage, it's the same thing.


The promotion starts Oct. 7. If you go, watch your back (and your front). BWAHAHAHAH!

9.21.2006

Religous Leaders Cross With Madonna


Madonna has released a statement explaining her reasoning behind the controversial "crucifix scene" on her Confessions Tour. In the statement, she says, "I am very grateful that my show was so well received all over the world. But there seems to be many misinterpretations about my appearance on the cross and I wanted to explain it myself once and for all." ... Phew!... What a relief. I've been to six chat rooms, polled thousands of concerned citizens, and attended a Town Hall meeting in Czestochowa trying to sort out exactly what she was trying to convey to me.
"There is a segment in my show where three of my dancers 'confess' or share harrowing experiences from their childhood that they ultimately overcame. I then absolve them of all sin and only then are they able to simultaneously fondle me throughout the next stanza.

My 'confession' follows and takes place on a Crucifix that I ultimately come down from, to the relief of most of the audience, who are worried I will see it through until I "give up the ghost".
This is not a mocking of the church. It is no different than a person wearing a Cross or 'Taking Up the Cross' as it says in the Bible. I have to agree here, I can't go a day in public without bumping into one of those "cross wearers", (and I have the scars to prove it).
My performance is neither anti-Christian, sacrilegious or blasphemous...
Can I get a Hallelujah!?
Rather, it is my plea to the audience to encourage mankind to help one another and to see the world as a unified whole. I believe in my heart that if Jesus were alive today he would be doing the same thing." Yes, it is a shame that Jesus is dead, I'm sure he could have straightened out this whole debacle.
The song ends with a quote from the Bible's Book of Matthew: 'For I was hungry and you gave me food. I was naked and you gave me clothing. I was sick and you took care of me,' and God replied, 'Whatever you did for the least of my brothers... you did it to me."'

My quote to Madonna, "For I was hungry, and you made me lose my appetite. I was naked and you gave me that pointy cone-shaped bra thingy. I was sick and you made me projectile vomit."

Kids Play Nice...or No Butts on Ice!

A book of rhymes handed out to kindergarten classes across Maine are being criticized by some parents as inappropriate. "Schoolyard Rhymes" is a compilation of 50 verses included in bags given to 18,000 pupils through the Read With ME literacy project supported by Gov. John Baldacci and his wife.

His wife, who is a former kindergarten teacher, spearheads Maine Reads, the nonprofit umbrella organization for Read With ME that is funded by Verizon, the Bangor Daily News reported. The group receives no state money.
A few of the rhymes have raised some eyebrows. For example, one says, "Ladies and gentlemen, Take my advice, Pull down your pants And slide on the ice." Another one says, "Girls go to Mars to get candy bars. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider."

Thank goodness they couldn't figure out a rhyme for Uranus.
A mother of a 5-year-old son who goes to the McGraw School, said the book is "completely inappropriate.""It's rude. There are words in there that I don't allow in my house."
I don't know, this winter, I may just take that advice. Bare butts on ice... ooh that's nice.

Belly Aiken?

Clay Aiken has fallen short of denying rumors that he is gay.
In an interview in the new issue of People, the 27-year-old singer dodged a direct question about his sexuality."What do you say (to that question)? … It's like when I was 8. I remember something would get broken in the house, and Mom and Dad would call me in and say, 'Did you do this?' "Well, it didn't matter what I said. The only thing they would believe was yes,” he told the magazine. “People are going to believe what they want."


I disagree Clay, I wanted to believe you were straight, and you've totally changed my mind. D.

The Devil and Mr. Bush...

"...Yesterday, the devil came here,"Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez said, referring to Bush's address before the U.N. General Assembly on Tuesday. "Right here. Right here. And it smells of sulfur still today, this table that I am now standing in front of."
He then made the sign of the cross, brought his hands together as if praying and looked up at the ceiling.
He later went on to say, "An Alfred Hitchcock movie could use it as a scenario. I would even propose a title: `The Devil's Recipe,'"
Chavez's words drew tentative giggles at times from the audience, but also applause at the end of the speech and when he called Bush the devil, a word he used no fewer than eight times.
We caught up with The Prince of Darkness at the home of actor Tom Cruise and actress Katie Holmes and when asked to comment on the story, Satan forcefully repeated his denial, saying, "I did not possess that man, Mr. Bush." Then placing baby Suri back on the altar said, "Why do people always say I smell like sulfur? Do you smell sulfur? I don't ... I smell Axe Voodoo!"

Chavez stressed the need to improve Tehran-Caracas ties. He stressed that Venezuela favors strengthened ties with Iran in various fields, particularly in auto and tractor manufacturing.
His new automobile, the Hu-Go Jihadi SE, is set to roll out in time for the big Ramadan travel season, and features Allah-wheel drive, Mecca-Star Navigation, seating for six extremists, and the head room to accomodate the highest wrapped Hijabs... or leave the spider hole in a hurry in the speedy, Limited Edition Jihadi Dictator with luxurious prayer rug interiors and a bullet proof exterior.

9.20.2006

In the news...

Chinese doctors say they successfully transplanted a penis on a man who lost his own in an accident, but had to remove it two weeks later "because of the wife's psychological rejection as well as the swollen shape of the transplanted penis.” Lucky for her they allow exchange for size.
All kidding aside, this is terrible news for the poor guy; he was by far, for those few days, the most well endowed Chinese guy on the planet.
I can kind of sympathize…my penis has been rejected in the past…although not because it was swollen.
Doctors say other risks involved are rejection of the transplanted organ and the need to take rejection-suppressing medications for the rest of your life. The first hand transplant recipient stopped taking his medication and later requested the hand be amputated. You can just imagine how difficult it must be for the first hand AND penis transplant recipient, Pee-wee Herman.

Speaking of hands, a doctor has pleaded not guilty to stealing a hand from a New Jersey medical school cadaver and giving it to an exotic dancer.
The exotic dancer, Carla Matlin, kept the hand in a jar of formaldehyde in her bedroom and called the hand “Freddie.”
Along with the hand, police found six human skulls. Her mother believed the skulls were bought from a mail order catalog. I can just imagine how that conversation went. ‘Linda! Those skulls better not have been stolen from a cadaver!’…‘No mama, I ordered them out of that ‘Harriet Carter’ catalog in the bathroom! So stop accusing me of unlawful disposal of human remains and help me into this thong!’
In her defense, Matlin admitted it was the first time the stripper was given a hand for her performance. In the doctor’s defense, he confessed at the time of the gifting, he was out of singles…I wonder if there’s room in her collection for a recently available second hand penis named “Hung Nomo”?


This news from Great Britain, hospitals are now offering Muslim women burka-style gowns for their patients. The turquoise colored “inter-faith” gown is hoped to help Muslim women (who would otherwise die of their infirmities rather than wear the sexy, standard issue garb) seek medical treatment. So far it seems to be catching on. The hospital burka reveals nothing but the eyes and ass.