Time to Ditch the Doctor? Try Google instead.

Internet users are finding a much better way of diagnosing their illnesses than the painfully slow method of doctors, referrals, medical exams and an expert diagnosis. Just Google it.

Typing in your symptoms in a Google search window and finding out what ails you has become so popular among the infirmed, the popular search engine has now added a new category of search – Google Diseases.

Doctors are finding their patients are coming into their offices already sure of the particular disease that they are afflicted with, and the course of treatment that is recommended. "We are slowly but surely being put out of a job," said Dr. Yerma Weinstein of the Gutstein Institute in Junta, California. "This has already cost me a few thousand dollars in referral business."

We put the new Google Diseases search engine to the test. Thankfully, that particular day I was suffering from anal itching, so I Googled it.

In less than a second, this is what I discovered.

Anal itching is a common but annoying problem. Anal itching occurs more often in men, and, most of the time, no cause can be identified. Anal itching occurs around and near the anus, which is the opening for the bowels.

The diagnosis was spot-on.

1. It is very annoying.

2. I am a man.

3. I can't figure out where it came from.

4. It is occurring around and near my anus.

What an exciting time we live in! Let's take a look at the remedies I was offered, and their effectiveness.

--Change to a plain, soft, unscented toilet paper.

-- If toilet paper feels too abrasive, try cleaning with baby wipes or cotton moistened with mineral oil. Dry with cotton afterward to remove any moisture.

-- Wear loose-fitting cotton underwear that allow sweat to evaporate. Do not wear panty hose.

--Do not apply any creams or ointment without consulting a doctor.

--Avoid food irritants and eat a high-fiber diet.


I immediately went shopping and picked up the few suggested items.

Some soft, unscented toilet paper. It was on sale. Cost -- 59 cents

Baby wipes. I don't know how I've lived without these. Cost -- $2.69

Loose fitting cotton underwear, size 42, that allows my sweat to evaporate. I splurged here. Cost $6.99

Bran muffins -- $1.99

Loss of two pairs of panty hose -- $7.23

Cessation of my anal itching -- PRICELESS

I called my Doctor's office immediately to cancel my appointment, saving hundreds of dollars billed to my medical insurance.

I think I'm going to be using Google Diseases from now on!

Now I'm off to Google some other body part which I will not mention here.

Does Your Baby Suffer From Depression?

GT News Medical Report

Understanding Baby Depression Age 0 - 3
If you are age 0-3, and you've been diagnosed with baby depression, you may wonder why it had to happen to you. Don't cry! The fact is that any baby can get depression.
The first step in fighting baby depression is to understand what it is, how it affects you, and what causes it. This section covers the basics, and you'll find features even a baby can understand.

Baby Depression Questionnaire
The following BABY DEPRESSION QUESTIONNAIRE has 15 simple questions that may help identify common symptoms of baby depression. The results can be a helpful way to discuss your condition with your Mommy and Daddy and actually help talk Mommy and Daddy into taking you into our center where we can diagnose your condition. After answering the questions provided, print the completed questionnaire, making sure you don't use sticky fingers or spit up on the paper before you give it to Mommy or Daddy. Don't cry! Remember, Mommy and Daddy will believe anything you say, and we're here to help.

As with any medical illness or condition, only a doctor or other qualified healthcare professional can provide a diagnosis of baby depression. When it comes to diagnosing a baby under three, Jonnah's Treehouse is the only place willing to try. The following questionnaire is intended to help you discuss your symptoms with Mommy and Daddy and help us convince them you have a problem. This questionnaire is not intended to serve as a substitute for a diagnosis of baby depression by a 'so called' qualified healthcare professional like the people you'll meet at Jonnah's Treehouse. If you think you may have baby depression, you should crawl to Mommy and Daddy crying right this second and say in your cutest voice, "Mommy and Daddy...baby depressed... me go to Jonnah's Treehouse now." Best of all, we have a slide!

---

Complete the questionnaire below and take the results to your stupid parents.

Choose the items that best describe you over the last 7 days.

Falling Asleep:
I never cry longer than 30 minutes, and then fall asleep.
I cry at least 30 minutes, and then fall asleep, less than half the time.
I cry at least 30 minutes, and then fall asleep, more than half the time.
I cry more than 60 minutes and then fall asleep, more than half the time.

Sleep During the Night:
I do not wake up at night.
I have a restless, light sleep with a few brief awakenings each night.
I wake up at least once a night, but I go back to sleep easily.
I awaken more than once a night and cry like a baby for 20 minutes or more, more than half the time.

Waking Up Hungry:
Most of the time, I awaken no more than 30 minutes hungry.
More than half the time I awaken more than 30 minutes hungry.
I always awaken at least one hour and I'm really hungry, but go back to sleep hungry
I awaken at least one hour and I'm really hungry, and can't go back to sleep until I eat.

Sleeping Too Much:
I sleep no longer than 7-8 hours/night, without napping during the day.
I sleep no longer than 10 hours in a 24-hour period including naps.
I sleep no longer than 12 hours in a 24-hour period including naps.
I sleep longer than 12 hours in a 24-hour period including naps.

Feeling Sad:
I do not cry.
I cry less than half the time.
I cry more than half the time.
I cry like a baby.

Decreased Appetite:
There is no change in my usual appetite.
I eat strained peas somewhat less often than strained bananas.
I eat much less strained peas than I do strained bananas.
I rarely eat my strained peas, and make funny faces when others persuade me to eat them.

Dirty Diapers:
There is no change in my diapering preferences.
I occasionally feel a need to be diapered more frequently than usual.
I regularly feel a need to be diapered more frequently than usual.
I feel driven to be diapered every time I fill it.

Decreased Weight (Within the Last Two Weeks):
I have not had a change in my weight.
I feel as if I've had a slight weight loss.
I have lost 1/2 pound or more.
I have lost 1 pound or more.

Increased Weight (Within the Last Two Weeks):
I have not had a change in my weight.
I feel as if I've had a slight weight gain.
I have gained 1/2 pound or more.
I have gained 1 pound or more.

Concentration/Decision-Making:
There is no change in my usual capacity to concentrate or make decisions.
I occasionally feel indecisive or find that my attention wanders.
Most of the time, I struggle to focus my attention even with my TMX Elmo.
I cannot concentrate well enough to make even minor decisions.

View of Myself:
I see myself as equally worthwhile and as deserving as other babies.
I am more self-blaming than usual.
I largely believe that I cause problems for Mommy and Daddy.
I think almost constantly about defects in myself and can stare at my hands for hours.

Thoughts of SIDS
I do not think of SIDS or death.
I feel that life is empty or wonder if it's worth living.
I think of SIDS several times a week for several minutes.
I think of SIDS several times a day in some detail, or have made specific plans to have SIDS.

Energy Level:
There is no change in my usual level of energy.
I get tired after play.
I have to make a big effort to keep my eyes open when I am tired.
I really cannot hold my head up for long periods of time.

Thumb sucking:
I suck my thumb occasionally.
I find myself sucking my thumb regularly.
Sometimes I put my whole fist in my mouth.
I am always putting everything I find in my mouth.

Feeling Restless:
I do not feel restless.
I'm often fidgety, moving to and fro, or need to kick my legs.
I have impulses to move about and grab things I find on the floor and low tables.
At times, I am unable to stay seated and need to crawl around.

---

Many things can trigger debilitating baby depression. Feelings of depression are caused by a chemical change that affects how the brain functions.


A normally functioning baby brain is a giant messaging system that controls everything from your heartbeat, to crawling, to babbling, to your emotions. The brain is made up of billions of nerve cells called neurons. These neurons send and receive messages from the rest of your body, using brain chemicals called neurotransmitters. Can you say NEW-RO-TRANS-MIT-TERS? Great!

These brain chemicals-in varying amounts-are responsible for our emotional state. Baby depression happens when these chemical messages aren't delivered correctly between brain cells, disrupting communication.

Think of a Jack-in-the box: if your Jack-in-the-box doesn't pop up when you turn the handle, you start to cry. Your baby-depressed brain is a lot like that broken jack-in-the-box. You could say you've lost your handle on life.

The good news is, at Jonnah's Treehouse, there are many forms of treatment that can help you cope with baby depression, including medications that can strengthen weak signals by raising the levels of certain neurotransmitters, or by improving the neurons' ability to process signals. This ensures that the brain's vital messages are delivered-and your jack-in-the-box pops up when it should.



So stop acting like a baby and tell Mommy and Daddy to call Jonnah's Treehouse at 1-800-SAD-BABY today!

Or Visit us on the web at www.gullibleparenttechnologies.org

Jonnah's Treehouse, the best solution when your baby is driving you up a tree!

One Day Before Premiere Borat has Bird Flu

GT News World Exclusive Report



Unless you've been living in a cave in Afghanastan, you've heard of Kazakhstani television's top media personality and the creator of "Borat's Guide To Britain", Borat Sagdiyev. What you don't know is the man who plays the Kazakh reporter, Sacha Baron Cohen, has been diagnosed with the avian influenza virus H5N1, or avian bird flu.

Our source close to the actor told GT News the 34 year-old comedian was diagnosed with the disease late Tuesday after being treated for flu symtoms at a local hospital over the weekend. Health officials suspect the source of the infection to be an old suitcase full of live poultry the actor carries with him. According to our source, Borat closed the case prematurely, decapitating one of the birds, thus exposing himself to the deadly virus.

"It couldn't have come at a worse time," admitted our source. The World Premiere of "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan" opens in theaters tomorrow. GT News Editor Dave caught Borat online on his MySpace page and sent the Kazakh an Instant Message asking how he felt. "Borat is feeling not well due to American prostitue not cleared by exam of doctor prior to sex," he IM'd the Editor.

We spoke to Kazakhstani health officials Wednesday about the future superstar's condition. "It's clear he fights for life to continue. He must not be naked fighting outside now and must not like sex too much. Rest my friend, rest." said Zharmakhan Tuyakbai, who added that the authorities' efforts would focus on raising awareness among the population. "Although the beating of woman is fun for sport, he must conserve energy for fight of this bird flu."

Sacha Baron Cohen, who plays Borat, has millions of fans all over the world. A google search of 'Borat' returns 23.3 million hits, but he is not as popular in Kazakhstan. Borat has told the world that Kazakhs are addicted to horse urine, enjoy shooting dogs, view rape and incest as respectable hobbies and are fond of "running of the Jew" festivals.

Svetlana Chuikina, an anchorwoman on Kazakh television, said Borat didn't even look the part.
"He might look like a Turk, but definitely not like a Kazakh," she said. "Maybe this illness is a Kazakh curse."