Gelotology Today

If Cigarettes Cause Dimentia, These Ads Will Make You Insane

2009-02-16T21:50:00.014-05:00

GTN New York- A study by the University of Cambridge, Britain's Peninsula Medical School and the University of Michigan published on Feb. 13th in the British Medical Journal links exposure to second hand smoke with an increased risk of dementia, the progressive decline in cognitive function due to damage or disease in the body beyond what might be expected from normal aging.

Gelotology Today discovered several vintage pro-smoking ads and if second hand smoke doesn't drive you mad, these ads might just do the trick.

A brand new idea in smoking-mentholated cigarettes! As the perforated cut out section below promises-nothing tastes more like springtime than a menthol smoke! Whoever penned this gem must have spent springs near a coal burning factory.

Why we wonder, would you want to cut this portion out, unless you need something later to hack up a lung into?

"He's one of the busiest men in town. While his door may say Office Hours 2-4, he's on call 24 hours a day."

The doctor is a scientist, a diplomat, and a friendly, sympathetic human being all in one, no matter how long and hard his schedule."

"More doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette"

I can imagine the dinner table discussion as this ad was read...

Harold, as long as we're choosing a doctor to treat little Jimmy's asthma, why not choose that one with the ashtray breath that chain-smokes camels?

Sympathetic Human Being? Hey Doc; How 'bout putting that thing out before you treat my open head wound!

After the drag of a long oceanic expedition hunting new, enigmatic denizens of the deep, nothing is better than the deep drag of a Winston cigarette.

Jill likes to hold hers up in front of her face so she can safely witness the upcoming solar eclipse, while Jacques is devising a plan to convert this newly discovered species of squid into a Winston-burning Turkish water pipe.

Gather the kids round the fireplace, daddy is going to read this special holiday message from Santa!

Santa: Ho Ho HO! (Ho's added for authenticity)

smoke PALL MALL the cigarette whose mildness you can measure"

Little Timmy on Christmas morn: WOW! Look Ma! Santa came! And he brought me a carton of Pall Malls!

Lucy (also on Christmas morn-for those too demented from second hand smoke to follow along):Santa brought me a 'Mildness Measuring' device and this neat-o puff chart! YAY! Can we measure the mildness mom, PLEASE!

"After careful examination of your teeth, I find them to be way too healthy and white. Just one look at your gum line and it's plain to see, absolutely no receding!

"As your Dentist, I would recommend Viceroys"

"now open up wide...and get ready to enter flavor country"

This, according to Chesterfields' elite 'Flavor Panel':

"Science discovered it- YOU can prove it"

"No unpleasant after-taste "

Ironic that their panel found their cigarettes the winner!

What this study has to do with with a high- powered microscope we are still looking into, but of one thing we are certain: This scientist is not suffering from embarrassing ashtray breath!

So smoke up and tongue-kiss awaaaaaay!

This was our 'Editors Choice' for cutest cancer causing killer ad!

"Gee Dad, you always get

the best of everything

...even

Marlboro !"

"Aww, look Karen-isn't that the cutest thing! Little Kenneth said his first words!!"

Coming Out Planned for Polar Bear Couple

2008-11-27T18:32:00.007-05:00

GTNews Puzzled Japanese zookeepers have cleared up a mystery over a lack of chemistry between a couple of polar bears as both turn out to be female, a Japanese zoo said Wednesday.

Tsuyoshi, a four-year-old "male" polar bear, and his 11-year-old female partner, Kurumi, have been living together since June at the Kushiro Municipal Zoo in Hokkaido, northern Japan.

But much to the frustration and puzzlement of zookeepers, the bear couple, on a breeding mission, showed no signs of breeding, and Tsuyoshi has never gone into rut even during "his" mating period.

"Observing his behaviors, we got suspicious as to whether Tsuyoshi was really a male," the zoo said in a statement.The zoo put Tsuyoshi under an anesthetic earlier in the month for a gender checkup, and learned he was a she."My first thought was we gotta split these two up," said Yoshio Yamaguchi, head of the zoo.

But gay rights protesters had other plans.

The angry, vocal protests by gays and lesbians heartbroken by the passage of Proposition 8 showed up at the zoo in full force. "We had the signs already made up and a trip to the zoo sounded fun!", said Barry Gay, spokesman for the group. "It's apparent the bears are used to the idea they can't mate and are very comfortable with each other".

A coming out party for the bears is scheduled for next month.

Mystery of Stonehenge Solved

2008-05-31T04:09:00.009-04:00

Salisbury, England (GTN)-The mystery of Stonehenge has finally been solved.

What researchers once thought was a center for religious worship or an ancient astronomical observatory has now turned out to be something much more exciting.

New research on the Salisbury Plain in England shows that Stonehenge was the site of an ancient talent contest experts are now dubbing 'Stonehenge Idol'.

" It's now clear that the enigmatic stone circle was a huge sound stage, complete with judges table," said Richard Mehard, chief archaeologist at the site.

New radio carbon dating from human burials and around the circle indicates the contest ran from 3000 B.C. until after the stone stage was erected around 2500 B.C. "What a successful run the show had," said Dick.

"What's interesting about the contestants is when they were eliminated from the competition, they were quite literally eliminated-killed and buried right here near the stage, entombed with stone slabs carved with their standing in the competition embedded right in their skulls," he said. He then proudly displayed a smashed human skull for the cameras. "Look! This guy was first runner-up!"

Fox Television is considering the idea of filming next season's Idol here at Stonehenge.To lend authenticity and in keeping with ancient tradition, Idol lawyers are exploring whether or not it is legal to kill and bury on site at least the first few weeks of American Idol 'rejects' that are such a popular part of the show. "I think it's doable!" said one attorney.

Host Ryan Seacrest is excited about the possibility of dressing as a Druid. "We could even have a 'Stone Temple Pilots' Week!" he said.

The Mystery of Humor has also been solved at Humor-Blogs.com

Balloon Leaves Without Deflated Jumper

2008-05-27T09:29:00.012-04:00

(GTN)-Ballon Dysfonctionnement is French for my balloon has left without me. Well, not quite-but that's what happened in Saskatchewan, western Canada today.

Former French paratrooper Michel Fournier, 64,was hoping to shatter four World records-but that was not to be, as the capsule that was to take him aloft to a height of 130,000 feet (that's the equivalent of 130,000 common school rulers stacked end-to-end), then drop him into a 15 minute free-fall, was never attached to the balloon.

Fournier was wearing a fluorescent green pressurized suit like an astronaut on a space walk, and had entered the capsule around 2:30 a.m., breathing pure oxygen which cleanses the bloodstream and body tissues of dissolved nitrogen that might vaporize into a gas as he ascended, causing what experts call the bends-a sometimes fatal affliction.

They filled the balloon with helium from a filler truck nearby and as it began to rise, the small crowd gathered to witness the event began to cheer. Meanwhile, the Mayor of North Battleford, Julian Sadlowski proudly exclaimed, "This will put us on the map!"

"Official statements made to the press like that always seem to jinx any chance for success-ay, as the passengers of the "unsinkable" Titanic can attest," said one spectator. "This is why I voted against him-ay."

This was Fournier's third-and possibly last attempt to break the record. He has used his own money and is practically bankrupt. He asked if we could buy him an Egg McMuffin and Hash Brown prior to the launch. "I'm famished!" he pleaded.

It was a tragic accident. The man in charge of attaching the $100,000 balloon to the capsule left his post and went into the crowd to twist balloons into fun animal shapes for the kids, and had just forgotten to complete the job of securing the capsule. "The kids were cranky because of the early hour, and he thought he could help cheer them up," said one witness.

The ground around the runway was littered with the tattered remains of the high altitude balloon-and the macabre remains of balloon dogs, bears, and giraffes.

If this story has deflated your spirits...visit Humor-Blogs.com

Memorial Day Remembrance of Greatest American Hero

2008-05-26T06:21:00.008-04:00

(GTN)-Did you know Memorial Day was originally called 'Decoration Day'?

No-we didn't either.

Traditional observance of Memorial Day has diminished over the years.

Many Americans nowadays have forgotten the meaning and traditions of Memorial Day.

So take a moment this Memorial Day to honor our Greatest American Hero.

Happy Memorial Day from all of us At Gelotology Today!

Humor-Blogs.com celebrates Memorial day!

Americans Having Fits With Wii Fit

2008-05-24T06:30:00.012-04:00

Thanks to the Nintendo Wii video game system and their popular new Wii Fit video game, Americans of all shapes and sizes are quickly shedding the pounds.

"I was so fat last week, I was E-mailing the FCC asking when they were coming out with High Definition T.V. dinners," said Barbara Lemp of Lickskillet Ohio, who has lost 32lbs. this past week. "Thank you Wii Fit!"

Barbara is not alone. Thousands around the country are dropping pounds like Presidential candidates are dropping Reverends. The problem is, it's not because of the Wii Fit game and it's cute collection of mini-games or it's ground-breaking wireless balance board that you stand on. It's because they are running around town in an attempt to find the game.

"The little bastard at Wal-Mart informed me he just got in a shipment, so I ran as fast as I could to the store, only to find them sold out when I got there," said Brighton Early of New Hope, Pa. "Same thing at Best Buy, Toys-R-Us, and Sears." He then pulled up his pant leg and proudly added, "Check out my new calf muscles!"

Penny Dollar, a woman that only 2 weeks ago weighed 132 lbs. and was so excited to be the first woman to claim the Blog name 'Wii Fit Woman', now looks hauntingly like the late Karen Carpenter, and has vowed not to eat until someone gets her a Wii Fit. She then lifted her shirt. "Here, count my ribs," she boasted.

GT News caught up with Michael Nutter, who was weight-training in advance of Game Crazy's next shipment of the elusive game. "Thursday I had my hands on the last one at Target-but was wrestled to the ground by some fanatical Yoga instructor from the valley," he said as he paused between power-squats. "She twisted me up like a pretzel...I guarantee you that's not going to happen to me on Tuesday morning," he vowed.

Izuma Witgamo was one of the lucky ones who got his hands on one of the coveted Wii Fit games. Izuma, a Jujitsu expert and computer programmer from Fresno, Ca., used a highly secretive move to constrict blood flow to his opposing shopper's brain, rendering her unconscious. "I dropped her like a bad habit," he confessed. "I then outran twelve angry customers the two miles to my condo."

We asked Izuma which Wii Fit exercise he likes best. He replied,"Oh no, I sold that puppy on Ebay for $268 dollars."

You can find humor however...on Humor-Blogs.com

Reverends of McCain and Obama in Preach-Off

2008-05-23T08:00:00.011-04:00

Las Vegas, Nevada (GTN)- In a battle reminiscent of 'The Thrilla in Manila', Reverends John Hagee and Jeremiah Wright went head-to-head Thursday night in the first ever 'Presidential Preach-Off' at Circus Circus in Las Vegas.

Rev Hagee (in the red boxers with white swastikas)-5'-7 1/2" and weighing in at 295 lbs., represented the presumptive Republican Presidential candidate John McCain. Rev Wright (in the black boxers with Bin Laden heads)-6'-2" and weighing 208lbs., threw down the word for Democratic Presidential hopeful Barak Obama.

"Pound for pound, Rev Hagee is as ignorant as any preacher in the ring today, but Jeremiah is eager to show the nation he still has what it takes to ruin Obama's bid for the White House," said broadcaster Jim Lampley, seated ringside prior to the bout.

"'Hags' has been training in the gym at the Democratic National Headquarters for 3 months, and he will come out preachin'," said Rev Hagee's trainer Nancy Pelosi.

"America's chickens are coming home to roost again," exclaimed Rev. Wright-as trainer Rush Limbaugh prepared the spit bucket.

Hagee was floored by a big combination from Wright in the second round, when the combatant blamed whites for supporting state terrorism and inventing the Aids virus, but the wiley Hagee picked himself off the canvas and responded with a devastating left hook to the preacher's jaw with an 8 lb. King James Version Life Application Study Bible.

"I'm delighted," Pelosi said. "We had been working on that left hook in training and it just connected perfectly.

"The challenger Hagee continued to pour on the pressure in the final round-testifying that Adolf Hitler had acted as an agent of God to cause the Holocaust to send more Jews to the Holy Land before Wright was spared further punishment by the referee.

Much to the dismay of both parties, the Preach-Off ended in a draw. "This thing is far from over!" Hillary Clinton said.

I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

The Shocking Results of GT Teen Oral Sex Survey

2008-05-21T11:05:00.012-04:00

(GTN)-According to a new survey conducted by the Guttmacher Institute, the perception that teens aged 15-19 frequently substitute oral sex for vaginal intercourse in order to maintain their virginity is a myth.

Slightly more than half (55%) of 15–19-year-olds have engaged in heterosexual oral sex, 50% have engaged in vaginal sex and 11% have had anal sex. However, both oral and anal sex are much more common among teens who have already had vaginal intercourse than among those who have not, suggesting that teens initiate a range of sexual activities around the same time, rather than substitute one for another, the Guttmacher Institute reports.

“There is a widespread belief that teens engage in non-vaginal forms of sex, especially oral sex, as a way to be sexually active while still claiming that technically, they are virgins,” says study author Laura Lindberg. “However, our research shows that this supposed substitution of oral sex for vaginal sex is largely a myth. There is no good evidence that teens who have not had intercourse engage in oral sex with a series of partners.”

GT News, in an effort to verify the veracity of the study, sent out our very own Medical Editor, Dr. Mo Lester to survey students at French Lick High School in French Lick, Indiana to get the scoop.

Dr. Lester polled students aged 15- 19 during 2nd Lunch, asking students if they had had heterosexual oral sex, and if they had, if they had engaged in vaginal or anal sex.

GT News regrets to inform our readers that the results of this survey are incomplete. Our goal was to double the amount of teens that were surveyed in the Guttmacher study.

Unknown to GT News at the time, Dr. Lester had previously been convicted as an Internet predator in 2001, and was registered as a sexual predator in the national registry, and therefor could not be on school grounds.

Chatting under the screen name of "touchytheclown63" in the summer of 1999, he was apprehended at the Hansberry Mall in Tupelo, Mississippi in an Internet sting operation.

GT News lawyers are now pouring over his application to verify his credentials.

Dr. Lester is currently awaiting his court date in the French Lick County Correctional Facility.

GT News will make every effort to complete the study, and bring you the results, after the hearing.

I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

U.S. Ranked 97th on Global Peace Index

2008-05-20T06:24:00.007-04:00

(GT News)-Seria is a more peaceful nation than the United States of America. So is Kazakhstan, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Cuba, Libya, Nicaragua, Vietnam and South Korea.

These are the findings of the Institute for Economics and Peace as published in the Global Peace Index.

The Global Peace Index is a ground-breaking milestone in the study of peace. It is the first time that an Index has been created that ranks the nations of the world by their peacefulness and identifies some of the drivers of that peace. Experts from all fields fought like cats and dogs to decide which factors carried the most weight.

The Global Peace Index (or GPI) ranks 121 nations in 24 categories ranging from a country's military expenditure, to it's relations to neighbouring countries and the level of respect for human rights.

The United States currently ranks 97th on the GPI, down from 96th in 2007. Comparisons are difficult due to 19 new nations being added this year, eight of which are rated higher than the U.S., for an overall +7 net gain over 2007. Mexico, - 7 from last year, still outranks the U.S. in peacefulness at 93rd. I knew that plan for a border fence was a bad idea.

Topping the list of most peaceful nations is Iceland, with a population of about 300,00 people- one of which is currently in jail. Iceland is a new country on the GPI's list. Ironically, Iceland's government approved on Monday the commercial hunting of whales this year, a move that drew quick criticism from conservationists. "They're friggin' whale killers!," said a GT News government source in Denmark, who is second on the list. It makes you wonder where they would be on the list if it had come out in the winter, when there is only four hours of sunlight per day.

Iceland is home to the Icelandic Phallological Museum and it's collection of penises. It is unclear at this time whether this was a determining factor by the Institute.

The GPI ranks countries in numerous categories such as internal and external peace, with internal peace comprising 60% of the score to 40% for external peace. Clearly, charity begins at home. Scores for each category range from 1 being the best score, to 5, the worst score a country can receive.

China-a country that doesn't give one a warm, fuzzy feeling and is criticized for it's human rights record, ranks 67th with a score of 1.981. Compare that to the United States- 97th with a score of 2.227, and you begin to get an idea of how other countries view Americans.

President Bush looked like he was ready to kill someone when handed the list. When the President was informed it was an Aussie who founded the organization he said, "Australia, when I'm finished with Iraq-your next".

War-torn Iraq finished last on the list of peaceful nations with a score of 3.514.

I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

Want To Go Green? - Get Lean

2008-05-19T03:22:00.010-04:00

by Dave-Editor of Gelotology Today

Do overweight people contribute to global warming? Are the obese responsible for the increasingly worrying world food crisis? Do fat people smell? According to a team from the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine-or just in my opinion, yes.

"The obesity epidemic arose with the gradual weight gain of the population," explains Professor James Hill, Professor of Pediatrics and Director of the Clinical Research Unit at the University of Colorado's Center for Nutrition. "The average American adult gains about 1.8 to 2 lbs. of weight a year, which equates to 18-20 pounds over a decade. The first step in addressing the obesity epidemic is stopping this gradual weight gain".

Obese individuals, due to the fact that they eat more, and tend to eat with their mouths open thus swallowing more air, fart more than the average. The average person produces about half a liter of fart gas a day, distributed over an average of about fourteen farts a day. Some farts contain methane, a dangerous greenhouse gas. More dangerous than CO2, this gas allows sunlight to enter the atmosphere freely. When sunlight strikes the Earth’s surface, some of it is reflected back towards space as infrared radiation (heat). Greenhouse gases absorb this infrared radiation and trap the heat in the atmosphere. A solution to this growing environmental crisis is for overweight people to wear fartypants, available by clicking the link here.

Fat people walk less, and drive more. According to researchers at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Cha mpaign and Virginia Commonwealth University, Americans are now pumping 938 million more gallons of fuel annually than they were in 1960 as a result of extra weight in vehicles. And when gas prices average $3.77 a gallon, the tab for overweight people in a vehicle amounts to over $8 million a day. In the journal The Engineering Economist, scientists concluded that each extra pound of body weight in all of today’s vehicles results in the need for more than 39 million gallons of extra gasoline each year. Tell all these gas-asses to take a walk or at least visit America on the Move located here.

Obese individuals consume on average 20 percent more calories than those of normal weight. America, long considered the world's breadbasket, is now implementing food rationing. Major retailers in New York, New England, and on the West Coast are limiting purchases of flour, rice, and cooking oil as demand outstrips supply. At some Costco Warehouses, shoppers grew frustrated and occasionally uttered expletives as they searched in vain for the large sacks of rice they usually buy. "Due to the limited availability of rice, we are limiting rice purchases based on your prior purchasing history," a sign above the dwindling supply said. I recently visited Costco.com and couldn't find any food available.

In 2003, Red Lobster fired CEO Edna Morris and lost millions due an "endless crablegs" promotion. They had grossly underestimated how many pounds of crab legs Americans can eat in one sitting.

All tolled, this adds up to a major environmental crisis. So while you're installing those solar panels on the roof or buying that new hybrid car, think about that second helping at dinner or that sweet snack at midnight-and for the sake of all of us on this precious, blue ball we call Earth...buy a few pairs of Fartypants.

I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

Hillary Goes Obamacidal

2008-05-18T01:39:00.009-04:00

EUGENE, Ore. (GTN)-Hillary has finally lost it. No, it's not the Democratic Primary, but her mind.

Sen. Hillary Clinton emerged from the crowd in which Sen. Barak Obama was giving a campaign speech in Oregon Saturday wielding a knife-a very large Butcher's knife-assuring Sen. Barak Obama that this race is far from over.

"The bitch has lost her freakin' mind," Obama said after the freakish incident.

Obama has built a solid lead in Democratic National Convention delegates over Clinton, and is working overtime to cast an image of inevitability to his campaign for the nomination. In recent days, he has spent more time focused on his differences with certain Republican nominee John McCain than sparring with Clinton, which may have prompted her bizarre behavior.

Obama, apparently unfazed said, "She went on and on about West Virginia. I couldn't understand her. Who the hell cares about West Virginia?"

Senator John Kerry, who was backstage after the fracas-and openly wept for his beloved Democratic Party said, "Hillary has been a fighter who has overcome adversity again and again with courage, grit, and determination...but she's nuttier than my wife."

After recovering from multiple tranquilizer darts fired into her neck by Obama's security detail, Hillary mumbled, "Is it over? Did I win the nomination? Did they count Florida? The last thing I remember, I was pinned down by sniper fire and.."

She was then redarted.

"She doesn't scare me. She is going to keep calling me the same names, making the same cheap shots, using the same fear tactics she's used for the last four months. I had crazier bitches tryin' to crash me when I was doin' blow," said Obama.

Obama then grabbed the dart gun from his security and quickly dosed himself. "Aah, that's wat's up," Obama said as he was whisked away.

I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

Giambi's Magical Thong

2008-05-17T09:49:00.006-04:00

BY MARK FEINSAND, CHRISTINA BOYLE and CORKY SIEMASZKO DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITERS
Saturday, May 17th 2008, 2:11 AM
Cataffo/News Jason Giambi wears a gold thong when he's trying to break out of a slump.

The key to turning the Yankees season around could be under Jason Giambi's pinstriped pants. The Yankee slugger revealed Friday he slips on a gold lamé thong with a flame-line waistband when he's trying to get out of a hitting slump - and he's shared it with his teammates.

"It works every time," Giambi told the Daily News after his secret was outed on Portfolio.com. Derek Jeter agreed that Giambi's thong works, although "it's so uncomfortable running around the bases."

"I had it over my shorts and stuff," he said. "I was 0-for-32 and I hit a homer on the first pitch. That's the only time I've ever worn it."

Johnny Damon also admitted donning the golden panties "probably three times." "I may need to wear it again soon," said Damon, who is batting a mediocre .255.

What is the secret of Giambi's golden thong?

"You're not worrying about your hands or your balance at the plate," Damon said. "You're worried about the uncomfortable feeling you're receiving."

In the earlier interview with Portfolio.com, Giambi claimed he also hung his thong in the lockers of teammates Bernie Williams, Robin Ventura and Robinson Cano when they had trouble generating runs.

"I only put it on when I'm desperate to get out of a big slump," Giambi said.

The News showed its support for the sagging Yankees by delivering 26 golden thongs to the clubhouse - one for every player on the team and manager Joe Girardi. Damon accepted his with a smile, saying, "I will definitely wear it if I can."

The Yanks need something - they scored just six runs so far this week and are mired in the cellar despite having the biggest payroll in baseball.

Giambi - whose 2008 salary, $23.4 million, is the second highest in the majors - is struggling. He's hitting .181 with 7 homers and just 20 RBI.

While Giambi's silky secret may come as a shock to his fans, it wasn't news to his teammates.
"Whoever is on slumps, puts it on," catcher Jorge Posada admitted yesterday. "I don't know if it works. I haven't worn it yet."

Posada added that "a lot of players have worn it," but he didn't name names. Asked if the thong got washed between wearings, he gave a cringe-worthy answer. "Ask Jason," said Posada. "Jason is a little strange."

Yankee outfielder Bobby Abreu recoiled and threw his arms up in the air when a reporter waved a variation of Giambi's shiny underwear in his face.

"I don't know anything about that," Abreu insisted, though his bulging eyes said otherwise.
The question that appeared to get Abreu's boxers in a bunch made Mets catcher Brian Schneider chuckle before last night's Subway Series opener was rained out.

"There's no thongs being passed around the Mets," Schneider said. "Everybody's got their own lucky charm."

Giambi said the thong gets washed between wearings and he's had it since 1996, when he played for the Oakland Athletics. He said the company that provided him with undergarments made it for him as a joke - and he's been sharing the joke with his teammates ever since. The lucky undies were hanging in his locker yesterday.

"You've got to come and ask for it," he said. "That's the way it works."

Giambi's performance-enhancing trick ranks as one of the flashiest in a sport rife with superstitions, but the 37-year-old slugger is probably not the first ballplayer to boost his game by wearing offbeat undergarments.

Baseball lore is rife with stories about superstitious players wearing lucky boxers, or lucky T-shirts, or lucky socks - over and over again.

In the movie "Bull Durham," up-and-coming pitcher Nuke LaLoosh (played by Tim Robbins) was talked into wearing a black garter belt. That way, LaLoosh explained, he can "keep one side of my brain occupied when I'm on the mound, thus keeping the other side slightly off-center, which is where it should be for artists and players."

In the Portfolio.com interview, Giambi didn't explain his thinking behind the thong, but then that's not his style. The hard-partying, heavy-metal-loving, strip-joint-frequenting, Penthouse-reading Giambi said he is a Yankee cut from the Mickey Mantle mold.

Giambi bragged that his teammates called him a "modern-day Mick because I could play all day and party all night."

I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

Icelandic Museum of Penis Growing

2008-05-16T09:53:00.023-04:00

Husavik, Iceland (GTN)-There is one specimen that Sigurdur Hjartarson would love to add to his Icelandic Phallological Museum. "It's been the hardest penis to get my hands on," Hjartarson said.

But if one of four men get their way, Sigurdur will get what he's looking for-a man's penis.

An Icelander, a German, a Brit, and an American would love to become a lifelong member of his museum when they die. They have all pledged their manhood to the museum.

The American, Stan Underwood, 52, has written a letter to Sigurdur describing his penis-which he has nick-named "Elmo", and would donate his penis after his death, provided it is not harvested here in the states (he has a donor symbol on his state driver's licence).

Hjartarson said the Icelandic donor, a 93-year-old from nearby Akureyri, was a womanizer in his youth who thought having his penis in the collection might bring him eternal fame. But Hjartarson would like to have a specimen that looks more human, and is less well known in the area. More than 60% of his visitors are women.

He has received specimens from fishermen, hunters and scientists, and if not required to be kept in glass jars of formaldehyde, he'll mount them for all his visitors to enjoy.

What started out as a hobby in the mid seventies with a single bull penis has grown to over 250 penises from 90 different species.

The museum, originally opened in Reykjavik in 1977, has now been erected in the fishing village of Husavik, 300 miles northeast of the capital.

Hjartarson says he never pays for penises, with the exception of an elephant penis nearly 1 meter long that hangs, stuffed and mounted on a wooden board, in the museum's "Size Does Matter" section. Other sections include the "Hanging Gardens", "Our Phallic Overlords", and the rapidly growing "please touch" section.

Hjartarson is always looking for new members and is cocksure the museum will be a success. "I hope visitors leave the museum in a better mood than when they arrived," he said.

I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

Mississipi Teacher Gives Students Strange Assignment

2008-05-15T11:11:00.018-04:00

Mississippi (GTN)-A sixth-grade science teacher at a Jackson, Mississippi Middle School could face disciplinary action for forcing a class to list the students most likely to die before 19, most likely to get the aids virus, and most likely to get pregnant before they graduate from high school.
The Teacher , Ms. Brucilla Willis (pictured left), told the students to fill out a paper with questions such as who in the class is most likely to contract AIDS/HIV, go to jail and be poor, one of the student's parent said.

Jackson Public Schools apologized to students and parents Wednesday, saying an "inexperienced teacher" used "poor professional judgment."

"The district shares the concern of the parents and students and extends an apology to those who were subjected to this experience. In an effort to address this matter with the teacher and to express our displeasure regarding this act, we have recommended disciplinary action," JPS said in a news release.

School officials said they approved the lesson plan but did not approve the assignment. The school in Jackson serves students in grades 6-8.

One student's parent said the class of about 19 students did not want to do the assignment, but the die-hard teacher insisted. After the students gave the teacher the answers, she tallied the totals and put them on the wall, he said.

The parent said his daughter was listed as the fifth most likely to become pregnant in high school. "That's when they began to make fun of each other," he said. "This is just ignorant. It shows that not only is there a need to educate our students, but we need to better educate our teachers." He added,"I've always taught her to be number one, so she's really confused."

He said it was not clear if the assignment was meant to motivate students to do better or if it was meant as a joke. He said the assignment could negatively impact the students' performance on the Mississippi Curriculum Test, which began Tuesday.

GT News has obtained the complete assignment and photos of the students traumatized by this exam. Shown are a few examples:

Little Johnny Denver, voted by classmates to be the first to work in a chocolate factory.

Caitlin Upshaw squeaked out Amy Lippincott for most likely to hold her man captive with duct tape.

Patrick Hitchcock was voted first in class to get the rare avian influenza.

Poor Adolfo Gonzalos elected most likely to join the circus.

Chuck Jaeger. According to his classmates-most likely to snap a bungee cord.

Carrie (Scary Carrie) Elkington was voted first girl in her class to be
mocked at the Junior Prom

Norbert Lumpkin-most likely to get beat up right after class.

Stay tuned to GT News for more on this developing story.

I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

Edwards and Elmo Endorse Obama

2008-05-15T03:59:00.014-04:00

GT News World Exclusive

Washington (GTN) -Former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards and beloved Sesame Street character Elmo both endorsed Sen. Barack Obama on Wednesday at a campaign event in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

"The reason We're here tonight is because the Democratic voters have made their choice, and so have we," Edwards told the boisterous crowd.

"Hello everybody!," added Elmo.

"There is one man who knows and understands that this is a time for bold leadership. Obviously, this is not me. I've kept silent until I was sure Hillary Clinton could not win! There is one man that knows how to create the change, the lasting change, that you have to build from the ground up, and surely this is not me. I am a spineless jellyfish!" Edwards said. "There is one man who knows in his heart there is time to create one America, not two ... and that man is um... Barack Obama."

Then to a roaring crowd Elmo said, "Barack Obama...Elmo loves you!"

"What she has shown ... is strength and character, and what drives her is something that no man in this room could possibly understand. Admit it. There is no man in this room that would have stayed in this race as long as Hillary." Edwards said. "She is a woman who, in my judgment, has balls of steel, and she's a leader in this country not because of her husband but because of what she is-and that is...frightening. Please don't hurt me Hillary! I was pressured into this by party leaders"

The Count, a caped, purple vampire-looking figure, also from Sesame Street, who oddly looks like the presidential hopeful, got the crowd going from the front row with a thunderous "How many delegates has Obama won?...let me count them...ONE!... one delegate!...TWO!...two delegates!" He was cut short at 137.

Edwards said that when the nomination battle is over, "and it will be over soon, brothers and sisters ... we must come together as Muppets as well as Democrats."

On the big screen behind the trio was shown Ernie and Bert, from the bedroom they share on Sesame street.

The scene-Ernie and Bert, clad in pajamas and donning their familiar nightcaps-Both in their monogrammed beds, Ernie sitting up and Bert trying to sleep as usual. "Hey...um Bert....Bert...are you awake?" "I am now Ernie what is it?" "Um Bert...I was just thinking...Hillary Clinton is a mean meanie...". "Yes Ernie, she is...now go to sleep". "...and Bert..." "Yes Ernie". " You know what I was also thinking Bert?" "No Ernie, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING! We have been sleeping together for thirty some odd years Ernie, and I still don't know what you are thinking. PLEASE GO TO SLEEP!" "I was thinking, Bert, that I am going to stick it to that Hillary Clinton and support Senator Barack Obama Bert" "Ok Ernie can we please go to sleep NOW?"... "Ok Bert"..............."Um Bert, is Obama anti-gay?" "AARRGHH!"

"I am so grateful ... for John Edwards and this....um...Elmo......I don't know his last name...to come to Michigan tonight. ... I'm grateful for their support ... but more importantly, I want to thank John for everything that he has already done to make us one America, and all his white middle-class voters" Obama said.

After the announcement, Republican National Committee Chairman Robert Duncan released a statement asking, "Why didn't Edwards and Elmo endorse sooner?" "Edwards' endorsement of a candidate he previously blasted as inexperienced, hypocritical and lacking substance will not help get him the Vice Presidential nod, and anyone with half a brain knows Elmo's girlfriend Zoe supports Hillary," he said.

Clinton campaign Chairman Terry McAuliffe said Wednesday that "We respect John Edwards, and Elmo is adorable but as the voters of West Virginia showed last night, this thing is far from over."

I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

MoD Realeases British UFO Files

2008-05-14T16:00:00.012-04:00

Top-secret UFO files have been released to the public by the British Ministry of Defense in response to the nation's continuing freedom of information requests and Brits fascination with the UFO subject. The files, 160 in total, will take three years to be released.

The MoD has received reports of over 10,000 UFO sightings since the UFO project was set up in 1950.

One celebrated event- as reported by Mary Malouf Teabaggy of 4 Twatt, Orkney describes her 2 year relationship with an alien from Zeta Reticuli- a wide-binary system located around 39.4 light-years from Earth.

"I was just putting on the kettle for tea when out the window I saw this strange looking chap smelling my Madam "Poppy" Pomfreys in the the garden." said Mary

"Well, as anyone on Twat knows, nobody messes with my Madam "Poppy" Pomfreys!"

"I was cheesed off as you can imagine, so I come running out into the garden and tripped on the stoop-going arse over elbow into the Moaning Myrtles, knocking myself unconience ."

"When I awoke, I was on the kitchen floor and the bloody thing was hovering over me-healing my broken hip." she exclaimed.

"I thought I'd gone barmy! I had no choice but to offer the stranger tea and crumpets-with orange marmalade, and Bob's your uncle!"

"Boy that alien thought orange marmalade was the dog's bollocks! I couldn't keep enough of it in. It made him blow off like you can't imagine," she said.

"He stayed with me for two years," she said. Then in reflection added,"Do you know the little guy didn't have any front bits?" "So of course there was no rumpy pumpy... My pussy didn't like him at all. She'd hiss and scat behind the settee every time she saw him." she said.

"Eventually, his health went to shambles and his teeth started to fall out and he died-so I just buried him in the garden, next to the Madam "Poppy" Pomfreys of course." she said.

When the MoD made the announcement to go public with the reports, she dug up the remains- showing for the first time the skull of her other-worldly companion.

I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

Time to Ditch the Doctor? Try Google instead.

2006-11-10T12:08:00.000-05:00

Internet users are finding a much better way of diagnosing their illnesses than the painfully slow method of doctors, referrals, medical exams and an expert diagnosis. Just Google it.

Typing in your symptoms in a Google search window and finding out what ails you has become so popular among the infirmed, the popular search engine has now added a new category of search – Google Diseases.

Doctors are finding their patients are coming into their offices already sure of the particular disease that they are afflicted with, and the course of treatment that is recommended. "We are slowly but surely being put out of a job," said Dr. Yerma Weinstein of the Gutstein Institute in Junta, California. "This has already cost me a few thousand dollars in referral business."

We put the new Google Diseases search engine to the test. Thankfully, that particular day I was suffering from anal itching, so I Googled it.

In less than a second, this is what I discovered.

Anal itching is a common but annoying problem. Anal itching occurs more often in men, and, most of the time, no cause can be identified. Anal itching occurs around and near the anus, which is the opening for the bowels.

The diagnosis was spot-on.

1. It is very annoying.

2. I am a man.

3. I can't figure out where it came from.

4. It is occurring around and near my anus.

What an exciting time we live in! Let's take a look at the remedies I was offered, and their effectiveness.

--Change to a plain, soft, unscented toilet paper.

-- If toilet paper feels too abrasive, try cleaning with baby wipes or cotton moistened with mineral oil. Dry with cotton afterward to remove any moisture.

-- Wear loose-fitting cotton underwear that allow sweat to evaporate. Do not wear panty hose.

--Do not apply any creams or ointment without consulting a doctor.

--Avoid food irritants and eat a high-fiber diet.

I immediately went shopping and picked up the few suggested items.

Some soft, unscented toilet paper. It was on sale. Cost -- 59 cents

Baby wipes. I don't know how I've lived without these. Cost -- $2.69

Loose fitting cotton underwear, size 42, that allows my sweat to evaporate. I splurged here. Cost $6.99

Bran muffins -- $1.99

Loss of two pairs of panty hose -- $7.23

Cessation of my anal itching -- PRICELESS

I called my Doctor's office immediately to cancel my appointment, saving hundreds of dollars billed to my medical insurance.

I think I'm going to be using Google Diseases from now on!

Now I'm off to Google some other body part which I will not mention here.

Does Your Baby Suffer From Depression?

2006-11-04T05:31:00.000-05:00

GT News Medical Report

Understanding Baby Depression Age 0 - 3
If you are age 0-3, and you've been diagnosed with baby depression, you may wonder why it had to happen to you. Don't cry! The fact is that any baby can get depression.
The first step in fighting baby depression is to understand what it is, how it affects you, and what causes it. This section covers the basics, and you'll find features even a baby can understand.

Baby Depression Questionnaire
The following BABY DEPRESSION QUESTIONNAIRE has 15 simple questions that may help identify common symptoms of baby depression. The results can be a helpful way to discuss your condition with your Mommy and Daddy and actually help talk Mommy and Daddy into taking you into our center where we can diagnose your condition. After answering the questions provided, print the completed questionnaire, making sure you don't use sticky fingers or spit up on the paper before you give it to Mommy or Daddy. Don't cry! Remember, Mommy and Daddy will believe anything you say, and we're here to help.

As with any medical illness or condition, only a doctor or other qualified healthcare professional can provide a diagnosis of baby depression. When it comes to diagnosing a baby under three, Jonnah's Treehouse is the only place willing to try. The following questionnaire is intended to help you discuss your symptoms with Mommy and Daddy and help us convince them you have a problem. This questionnaire is not intended to serve as a substitute for a diagnosis of baby depression by a 'so called' qualified healthcare professional like the people you'll meet at Jonnah's Treehouse. If you think you may have baby depression, you should crawl to Mommy and Daddy crying right this second and say in your cutest voice, "Mommy and Daddy...baby depressed... me go to Jonnah's Treehouse now." Best of all, we have a slide!

Complete the questionnaire below and take the results to your stupid parents.

Choose the items that best describe you over the last 7 days.

Falling Asleep:
I never cry longer than 30 minutes, and then fall asleep.
I cry at least 30 minutes, and then fall asleep, less than half the time.
I cry at least 30 minutes, and then fall asleep, more than half the time.
I cry more than 60 minutes and then fall asleep, more than half the time.

Sleep During the Night:
I do not wake up at night.
I have a restless, light sleep with a few brief awakenings each night.
I wake up at least once a night, but I go back to sleep easily.
I awaken more than once a night and cry like a baby for 20 minutes or more, more than half the time.

Waking Up Hungry:
Most of the time, I awaken no more than 30 minutes hungry.
More than half the time I awaken more than 30 minutes hungry.
I always awaken at least one hour and I'm really hungry, but go back to sleep hungry
I awaken at least one hour and I'm really hungry, and can't go back to sleep until I eat.

Sleeping Too Much:
I sleep no longer than 7-8 hours/night, without napping during the day.
I sleep no longer than 10 hours in a 24-hour period including naps.
I sleep no longer than 12 hours in a 24-hour period including naps.
I sleep longer than 12 hours in a 24-hour period including naps.

Feeling Sad:
I do not cry.
I cry less than half the time.
I cry more than half the time.
I cry like a baby.

Decreased Appetite:
There is no change in my usual appetite.
I eat strained peas somewhat less often than strained bananas.
I eat much less strained peas than I do strained bananas.
I rarely eat my strained peas, and make funny faces when others persuade me to eat them.

Dirty Diapers:
There is no change in my diapering preferences.
I occasionally feel a need to be diapered more frequently than usual.
I regularly feel a need to be diapered more frequently than usual.
I feel driven to be diapered every time I fill it.

Decreased Weight (Within the Last Two Weeks):
I have not had a change in my weight.
I feel as if I've had a slight weight loss.
I have lost 1/2 pound or more.
I have lost 1 pound or more.

Increased Weight (Within the Last Two Weeks):
I have not had a change in my weight.
I feel as if I've had a slight weight gain.
I have gained 1/2 pound or more.
I have gained 1 pound or more.

Concentration/Decision-Making:
There is no change in my usual capacity to concentrate or make decisions.
I occasionally feel indecisive or find that my attention wanders.
Most of the time, I struggle to focus my attention even with my TMX Elmo.
I cannot concentrate well enough to make even minor decisions.

View of Myself:
I see myself as equally worthwhile and as deserving as other babies.
I am more self-blaming than usual.
I largely believe that I cause problems for Mommy and Daddy.
I think almost constantly about defects in myself and can stare at my hands for hours.

Thoughts of SIDS
I do not think of SIDS or death.
I feel that life is empty or wonder if it's worth living.
I think of SIDS several times a week for several minutes.
I think of SIDS several times a day in some detail, or have made specific plans to have SIDS.

Energy Level:
There is no change in my usual level of energy.
I get tired after play.
I have to make a big effort to keep my eyes open when I am tired.
I really cannot hold my head up for long periods of time.

Thumb sucking:
I suck my thumb occasionally.
I find myself sucking my thumb regularly.
Sometimes I put my whole fist in my mouth.
I am always putting everything I find in my mouth.

Feeling Restless:
I do not feel restless.
I'm often fidgety, moving to and fro, or need to kick my legs.
I have impulses to move about and grab things I find on the floor and low tables.
At times, I am unable to stay seated and need to crawl around.

Many things can trigger debilitating baby depression. Feelings of depression are caused by a chemical change that affects how the brain functions.

A normally functioning baby brain is a giant messaging system that controls everything from your heartbeat, to crawling, to babbling, to your emotions. The brain is made up of billions of nerve cells called neurons. These neurons send and receive messages from the rest of your body, using brain chemicals called neurotransmitters. Can you say NEW-RO-TRANS-MIT-TERS? Great!

These brain chemicals-in varying amounts-are responsible for our emotional state. Baby depression happens when these chemical messages aren't delivered correctly between brain cells, disrupting communication.

Think of a Jack-in-the box: if your Jack-in-the-box doesn't pop up when you turn the handle, you start to cry. Your baby-depressed brain is a lot like that broken jack-in-the-box. You could say you've lost your handle on life.

The good news is, at Jonnah's Treehouse, there are many forms of treatment that can help you cope with baby depression, including medications that can strengthen weak signals by raising the levels of certain neurotransmitters, or by improving the neurons' ability to process signals. This ensures that the brain's vital messages are delivered-and your jack-in-the-box pops up when it should.

So stop acting like a baby and tell Mommy and Daddy to call Jonnah's Treehouse at 1-800-SAD-BABY today!

Or Visit us on the web at www.gullibleparenttechnologies.org

Jonnah's Treehouse, the best solution when your baby is driving you up a tree!

One Day Before Premiere Borat has Bird Flu

2006-11-01T23:54:00.000-05:00

GT News World Exclusive Report

Unless you've been living in a cave in Afghanastan, you've heard of Kazakhstani television's top media personality and the creator of "Borat's Guide To Britain", Borat Sagdiyev. What you don't know is the man who plays the Kazakh reporter, Sacha Baron Cohen, has been diagnosed with the avian influenza virus H5N1, or avian bird flu.

Our source close to the actor told GT News the 34 year-old comedian was diagnosed with the disease late Tuesday after being treated for flu symtoms at a local hospital over the weekend. Health officials suspect the source of the infection to be an old suitcase full of live poultry the actor carries with him. According to our source, Borat closed the case prematurely, decapitating one of the birds, thus exposing himself to the deadly virus.

"It couldn't have come at a worse time," admitted our source. The World Premiere of "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan" opens in theaters tomorrow. GT News Editor Dave caught Borat online on his MySpace page and sent the Kazakh an Instant Message asking how he felt. "Borat is feeling not well due to American prostitue not cleared by exam of doctor prior to sex," he IM'd the Editor.

We spoke to Kazakhstani health officials Wednesday about the future superstar's condition. "It's clear he fights for life to continue. He must not be naked fighting outside now and must not like sex too much. Rest my friend, rest." said Zharmakhan Tuyakbai, who added that the authorities' efforts would focus on raising awareness among the population. "Although the beating of woman is fun for sport, he must conserve energy for fight of this bird flu."

Sacha Baron Cohen, who plays Borat, has millions of fans all over the world. A google search of 'Borat' returns 23.3 million hits, but he is not as popular in Kazakhstan. Borat has told the world that Kazakhs are addicted to horse urine, enjoy shooting dogs, view rape and incest as respectable hobbies and are fond of "running of the Jew" festivals.

Svetlana Chuikina, an anchorwoman on Kazakh television, said Borat didn't even look the part.
"He might look like a Turk, but definitely not like a Kazakh," she said. "Maybe this illness is a Kazakh curse."

Get the "Scoop on Poop" and Take the GT News Quiz

2006-10-31T12:25:00.000-05:00

Would you give a crap if I told you there's an exhibit, co-created by Chad Peeling, called "The Scoop on Poop" at the Miami Zoo, and that it may be coming to a city near you?

Would you take a crap if I told you it was an educational exhibit showing pictures of animals taking dumps--and it's suitable for the whole family?

Would you say I'm full of crap if I created a poo test just for you?

Well I made! And here it is. So take a squat and let 'er rip!

Post your answers... and don't forget to wash your hands after you finish!

1. This fossilized feces is actually called a coprolite or fecal pellet. Most do not exceed 4 cm or about 1.5 inches in length. Get this one right and you really know your shit.
A. It's from a Velociraptor's ass
B. It's definitely shark shit
C. A pterodactyl let this one fly
D. I don't give a crap

2. Can you kooky kids catagorize this crazy crustacean crap correctly?
A. I think it's crawdad crud. Definitely crawdad crud.
B. I've seen this before at my local Red Lobster restaurant. It's lobster crap for sure.
C. Holy hermit crap Batman! It's hermit crab crap!
D. You're a sick man.

3. Does a bear shit in the woods? Sure it does, and as evidenced by this mess, so does this woodland creature.
A. Elementary, my dear Watson. It's deer droppings.
B. That's possum poo. I'd recognize it anywhere.
C. I'm a wildlife rehabilitator, and I'm positive that's squirrel poop.
D. You're lower than snake shit. I'm outta here!

4. This one is hard (at least it won't stick to your shoe).
A. I went to college at the University of Houston, fool. That's cougar crap! Go Cougars!
B. Call me odd, but I have a funny feeling that came out of a wombat anus.
C. The color and texture are a dead giveaway! It's dog crap!
D. You're full of shit, that's fake poo!

5. This animal had a really big meal recently, then had to scat. Name it.
A. I'm not shitting you. That's racoon shit.
B. The moose is loose! But his stool isn't. It's actually quite firm.
C. Everything will come out OK if that's Armadillo excrement.
D. This shit is for the birds. Later.

6. If you've come this far, you're as sick as I am, or you really like this crap.
A. I can practically taste this one! That was left by a lemur.
B. Don't badger me, and don't badger poop me either.
C. Caribou poo. How do you do do?
D. I'm tired of all your crap.

7. The color alone should give you the drop on these droppings.
A. Easy. Giant panda poo!
B. Sheesh... that's Sloth shit if ever was a shit.
C. You sack of sheep shit, it's sheep shit. Say that thrice!
D. You're a chicken shit and I'm going to kick the crap outta you!

8. Stick your neck out and guess what animal left this mess.
A. I see. It's sea turtle turds.
B. I was a camel jockey back in Saudi Arabia, and I know camel crud when I see it.
C. I could be wrong, but that looks a lot like giraffe shit.
D. This crap is a real pain in the neck.

9. In some places, this shit is actually a delicacy.
A. Yum, that's alligator crap!
B. You're batty! Thats a big plate of bat guano.
C. I'll pass on the baboon poo poo platter!
D. That's General Tso's Chicken you shithead!

Halloween Haunts at McDonald's Drive-Thru Sends Reporter McRunning

2006-10-30T13:02:00.000-05:00

Halloween time is upon us; the Eve of All Hallows, also known by Pagan Celts and Wiccans as 'Samhain' (pronounced, 'Sow'-an'). It's the season for witches and goblins, ghouls and ghosts. A time for tricks and treats, and drive-thru windows that go bump in the night.

That's the claim of patrons at a McDonald's drive thru window in Lawrence, Kansas.

The macabre reports include strange, incomprehensible voices coming from the drive thru menu speaker, bags of fast-food, that when taken home, are not even close to what you originally ordered, incorrect change being given to patrons, and reports of missing time experienced by customers in the drive thru while waiting to be served.

In the parking lot of the McDonald's, we met paranormal researcher Agnes Bumgartner--a full figured woman in her 60's, with jet-black hair, less a shock of white hair down the center, clad from head to toe in black, and wearing more silver jewelry on her body than the restaurant has McNuggets. Agnes thinks she may know the cause of the not-so-happy meals.

"Ten years ago this month, Susan Hargrave sent her husband Matthew, to this very McDonald's drive thru to pick her up a Big Mac and a large coffee. She told her husband to make sure to order it with no pickles and no onions. When he returned with the sandwich, she discovered it did in fact have pickles and onions, and in a fit of rage, she murdered him. Police found his lifeless body covered in blood and special sauce, and a McDonald's coffee stirrer embedded in his skull," Agnes said. "It was a horrifyingly gruesome crime scene; forensics had a hard time distinguishing what was Matt, and what was Mac. Susan was later found not guilty by reason of insanity, and took her own life one week later. According to officials at the psychiatric hospital where she was committed, the only thing Susan ever said was, 'no pickles and no onions'."

GT News asked customers exiting the drive thru if they were familiar with the recent haunting, and if they sensed anything out of the ordinary.

"I haven't heard anything about it, but now that you mention it, these french fries are ice cold," said David Goode, holding up a limp fry. Agnes, the full time ghost hunter who was in attendance, quickly added, "Sudden temperature fluctuations are a common occurrence of paranormal activity, so it doesn't surprise me at all." Mr. Goode quickly sped away.

Marge McCurdy, 81, of nearby Kanwaka, was as white as a sheet, and nearly ran us over, as we flagged her down. "Look at this garden salad," she screamed. Clearly spelled out in cheddar cheese, atop the lettuce, were the words 'Rest in Peace'. McCurdy left the scene without taking back the salad. Our GT News photographer Brad, removed the cheese and ate the greens for lunch, and besides a little indigestion, suffered no ill effects. When asked if he was afraid of the cheddar cheese, and therefore removed it, he replied, "No, I'm just lactose intolerant."

We took our expert, Agnes Bumgartner, along the drive thru route with us, and we witnessed what parapsychologists refer to as a 'psychic cleansing', which is a less ritualized form of exorcism, whereby a dwelling or site is purified and malevolent influences are banished through prayers spoken as the petitioner moves through the area.

A chill ran down the spines of the entire GT News crew as Bumgardner, in an attempt to contact the spirit of Susan Hargrave, and calling on the powers of psychometric healing and telekinesis that are ascribed to the chakras in her hands, ordered the meal Susan never got a chance to eat on this physical plane: a Big Mac with 'no pickles and no onions', and a large coffee. Brad and I were starving and added a #3 with a diet coke, a filet-o-fish with extra tartar, and a large Hi-C. We kept our fingers crossed as the otherworldly voice on the other end directed us to the second drive thru window. I nearly McPeed my pants when our food order totaled $13.13, which is also the street address of the restaurant.

Agnes' eyes were now rolling into the back of her head, her chanting almost too much to bear as we approached window number three to pick up the order. I tried to answer when the employee asked, "salt, pepper, ketchup?" but the words would not form. I was now wishing I had never volunteered to cover this story.

I screamed in horror as Agnes removed the Big Mac from the bag, slowly unwrapped the sandwich, and two pickles fell into the psychic's lap. The drink carrier Brad was holding then gave way, sending hot coffee, diet coke and orange drink throughout the interior of the van.

Agnes suddenly became a woman possessed. She repeated the mantra spoken ten years prior by the homicidal Susan Hargrave; "no pickles and no onions, no pickles and no onions."

She then raised the Big Mac in one hand and the coffee stirrer in the other, and like a scene out the movie Psycho, attacked Brad with a ferociousness that would have made the Hamburglar cry for his mommy. Agnes screamed out in pain as I, acting on instinct alone, smeared tartar sauce in her eyes, temporarily blinding the malign entity, and buying us enough time for Brad to push the possessed psychic out of the van. She fell with a thud to the asphalt as Brad stepped on the accelerator, leaving the possessed woman and the haunted Mcdonald's in the rear-view mirror. The two small napkins included in the bag were barely enough to clean the secret sauce off of Brad's face so he could drive us to safety.

We never found out what happened next, and frankly we don't care. From now on, when I visit a McDonald's, I'm eating it in the Mcdining room provided.

Passengers Without Toilets on Cruise Ship That Has Nowhere to Go

2006-10-25T14:05:00.000-04:00

Around 1,450 passengers on a luxury cruise ship have been left without toilets for three days, according to panic-stricken passengers on board.

A series of blockages in the plumbing system is said to have led to "mayhem" on board "Drop Anchor" cruise ship.

Tour operator Hugo Deficate' admitted that there have been problems with the vacuum system of the toilets, confessing they sometimes work in reverse, launching human waste in all directions. The Company who owns the Drop Anchor said it was bringing in a team of "super-technicians", in full protective suits, to fix the system overnight.

A spokeswoman said: "We've already lost 3 crew members and 11 passengers due to slip and fall accidents. We're collecting samples as we speak for insurance purposes, and we hope to identify the parties responsible and have them thrown in the can."

She was unable to confirm how long the toilets had been out of action; the passenger's bloated abdomens and bulging eyeballs belied the assumption it occurred recently.

The huge 11-deck ship is on a seven-day voyage around the Canary Islands and Morocco. The ship is having difficulties getting permission to dock, and rightfully so. We could smell the ship up to 2 nautical miles away, depending on wind conditions and ocean currents.

One couple, Tom and Di Ahrea, from West Yorkshire, boarded the doomed liner as a birthday treat. What they got was anything but a pleasant surprise. "Everywhere you look, there's a reminder of just how bad it has gotten onboard."

Mrs. Ahrea, 51, said,"I'm not holding it in any longer! The ship has been without toilets for three days and hot water for at least 24 hours." In the company's defense GT found plenty of delicious food at the six buffet tables scattered throughout the vessel.

Di said that she and her husband had planned to swim in the Olympic-sized swimming pool today, provided it was not being emptied and disinfected again.

The tension onboard the ship was palpable; we passed by ballrooms filled with passengers in a horrifying mock dance, that if you didn't know any better, would look like any other dance floor, onboard any other cruise ship. The passengers on the Drop Anchor, which is filled to capacity, planned a protest meeting for later on in the day, provided they can find a safe place.

Mr. Ahrea's 60th birthday has been ruined by the plumbing faults, she added. The only bright spot, if you can call it that, is that her husband has a bladder control problem, so fortunately, they brought Depends Adult Undergarments onboard, but he's using them at an alarming rate, and they fear if other passengers catch wind of them, their cabin will be looted. She then mentally broke down as she caught herself mid-sentence, excusing herself from the interview to use the ladies room. "I'm going crazy...this is like that movie, The Perfect Storm, only instead of a hurricane, it's a 'shit storm'. Wait until they hear from our attorney, then the shit is really going to hit the fan," she said.

The Drop Anchor is the largest ship in the fleet, with two swimming pools, six restaurants, three bars, and unfortunately, 737 unusable toilets and 1450 malodorous, and soon to be mutinous, passengers.

We asked the Captain why he hasn't given the order to evacuate. "Are you kidding me?"

We wish to thank our sponsors Charmin, Lysol, Atlas Medical Supply and the brave men and women of the United States Coast Guard, for their generous contributions to help Gelotology Today bring you this report.

GT News is going along with the passengers, and will bring you the all the latest as it happens.

GT Needles Seattle's New Slogan -- Metronatural

2006-10-22T00:10:00.000-04:00

GT News Editorial by Editor Dave

For all those travel bugs who put their plans to visit the beautiful state of Washington on hold until they announced their new slogan, pack your bags.

The Seattle tourism board is proud to announce their new slogan, "Seattle metronatural".

No, my spellchecker is not on the fritz (I had to teach it this hip new word; just hit 'Add' on the spellchecker menu).

Seattle's Convention and Visitors Bureau spent $200,000 coming up with this gem and plans to spend another $300,000 marketing the slogan, which is targeted at generating business for the Washington Convention and Trade Center.

Real estate tycoons are frothing at the mouth to get in on this deal. I can hear the conversation now.

(Star wipe to the real estate developer's meeting at Donald Trump's new Trump University )

Trump: I'm not saying I'm smarter, and richer, and better looking than everyone else to be braggadocios. It's just being honest. It is what it is.

Merv Griffin: True, but you don't own the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills, and have 15 Emmy Awards.

Trump: Wait until they see the new season of The Apprentice, you fat bastard.

Merv Griffin: So what now Trump, I'm bored.

Trump: I'm reading here Seattle has got a fly new slogan targeted at generating new business.

Merv: What is it?

Trump: It says here, Seattle metronatural. I wonder what it means.

Merv: Does that mean we're allowed to walk around the city naked?

Trump: I guess.

Merv: Well it's about time. I haven't done that since Vanna White threatened me with sexual harassment on the set of Wheel of Fortune.

Trump: (Trump buzzes secretary desk)

Secretary: Yes Sir?

Trump: Get my jet ready, Merv and I are buying the Space Needle.

(Star wipe back to blog)

Heck, for half of what they spent on that turd, I can come up with five better sitting on the crapper.

How about these:

Seattle, the suicide Capitol, and so much more!

Welcome to Seattle. Free umbrellas for everyone!

Don't go to California, you might get E-coli.

Seattle, where runaway children living in the street outnumber horny businessmen 5 to 1.

(Spoken in Mafia accent) Lakes? We got your lakes right here.

Watch, I'll get an email from the board tomorrow.

Mr. GT Editor,

The Seattle tourism board is pleased to inform you of our decision to change our most recent slogan 'Seattle metronatural' to one that you suggested in your GT Editorial column with some revisions.

We spent another $250,000 and our new slogan now reads, 'Don't go to California, come to Seattle, we won't give you E-coli.'

Expect a check in the mail for $200,00 and thank you for the great, new slogan!

Yours truly,
The Smacked Asses at the Seattle Tourism Board

P.S. We had an idea for your next editorial -- Merv Griffin has a really small weenie!

Psychologists Discover 'Stereotype Threat'

2006-10-20T12:28:00.000-04:00

Psychologists have discovered what they call 'stereotype threat' -- a phenomenon in which individuals from stereotyped groups often "choke" in situations where those stereotypes are put to the test. It also contends people of contrasting groups, when told of this stereotype, unwittingly help prove the stereotype.

That's the claim of Psychologist Ima Jackoff, who has spent most of her career studying this effect.

For example women, who were told that men were better equipped genetically to solve math problems, performed worse on math tests than women not exposed to this notion. "In this way, theories about how people behave can end up influencing how they behave," said co-author Phil Mianus, an associate professor of cultural psychology at the National University of Electro Complex Homeopathy, Kanpur.

A "stereotype" is a generalization about a person or group of persons. In the absence of the "total picture," stereotypes in many cases allow us to "fill in the blanks." Our society often innocently creates and perpetuates stereotypes, but these stereotypes sometimes lead to unfair discrimination and persecution when the stereotype is unfavorable; however some stereotypes are not without merit. If, for instance, a study were released stating Japanese men have huge penises, you probably wouldn't believe it, even if you've never seen a Japanese penis.

"Our latest experiment took place at Thursday's NBA preseason matchup between the Tel Aviv Maccabi Elite and the Toronto Raptors at the Air Canada Centre," remarked Mianus. "At halftime, we informed Israel's most successful basketball club that African Americans are much better athletes than Israeli athletes. The Maccabi Elite team had led by as many as 13 points in the first half, but after we made the 'stereotype threat', the Tel Aviv team went on to have one of their most lopsided defeats in team history - 84 to 118."

GT News probed Mianus for more proof. "We entered a Chi Chi's mexican restaurant in New Jersey, and handed out pamphlets informing the patrons that Mexican food causes severe diarrhea. There was an immediate stampede to the restrooms. What a mess that was. They closed down after that study"

Does this prove that Mexican food really does cause loose, watery stools? Mianus directed us to Jackoff for the answer. "Don't put down that Chimichanga just yet," Jackoff said. "Because I think, at some level, they suspected what was written in the pamphlet, it had a profound effect on their bowels. Unfortunately, some ideas can have very undesirable consequences."

This seems to us to be a powerful tool, perhaps even a weapon, if used improperly by someone wanting to do us harm. Mianus visibly quivered at the thought. "I never looked at it that way." GT news suggested Jackoff 'n Mianus speak to Homeland security about implementing a color-coded warning similar to our terror threat level for this newly discovered 'stereotype threat'. The psychologists agreed to set up a meeting immediately.

GT will stay in touch with Mianus and Jackoff when they return from the high level meeting; and you, our readers, will be the first to know the outcome.

Muslim Match Makers

2006-10-19T02:27:00.000-04:00

So much of the news today is negative with repects to our relationship with the Muslim community. GT would like to extend an olive branch to our Muslim friends by offering, free of charge, The GT Express Muslim Match Maker Service. This week: Muslim Women seeking Muslim Men between the ages of 21 and 50. May we all find peace and understanding and may you find love.

GT Express Muslim Match Makers

PhotoUser IDAge

GT Express Ad

WarWidow43 27

Widowed black Muslim female seeking a stay at home man. I want a lover not a fighter. Non smoker and drinker/ Non Jihadist

Run4AllahGirl31

Come run with me in Basra. Must be physically fit and not like large crowded marketplaces. Can you keep up with me? Halalalalalala!

ReEntry4U38

First muslim woman in space seeks down to Earth Muslim man for long term relationship. I'm spontaneous, and can pack up and be in another country overnight. Must have pick-up truck or simalar vehicle.

IEDeanna22

Tired of head games. Looking for serious Muslim gentleman to become first, or even second wife. If you're looking for a virgin, strap a bomb to your belt and martyr yourself. Serious replies only.

DesertChef42

Mecca Chef is looking for a hungry Muslim man to share hot days and cold nights. Seeking a man who loves to dominate his Muslim queen. Sweep my heart away into your sandstorm of love! Extremist ok.

Islamababe25

I think my best feature is my eyes. I'm looking for a Dentist who specializes in total mouth reconstruction. Must enjoy shepparding and the nomadic life.

jump4jihad 36

I'd like a funny, kind hearted man that I can really fall for. I love the outdoors, I'm an expert plane spotter and enjoy long walks in the sand, or just lying around the tent, watching alJazeera.

Have a Ball -- Turkey Testicle Festival is on!

2006-10-18T01:02:00.001-04:00

If you happen to be hanging out at Ft. Myers Beach, Florida, why not stop by the forth-annual Turkey Testicle Festival.

That's the message the Surf Club Bar wants to get out, now that the Fort Myers Beach Council voted 4-1 Monday to allow the Surf Club bar to use the Turkey Testicle Festival name.

Planners were left hanging while councilmen Bill Shenko and Garr Reynolds grappled with the issue. "Who cares what the name is," Mayor Dennis Boback said. "Money is going for a worthy cause." The festival has raised $3,000 a year on average for the Harry Chapin Food Bank. Says event planner Harry Satchels, "next year, in Mayor Boback's honor, we'll be changing the location and calling the event the fifth annual Boback Mountain Testicle Festival."

Fort Myers Beach residents were going nuts, placing over 300 'testicalls' into council headquarters. Even the military was polarized on the issue. Marines were calling for a boycott, while Seamen splurged for tickets.

Testicle Festivals are more popular than you might imagine. The Rock creek Lodge in Clinton, MT served up Bull Balls in their 24th annual Testicle Festival this past September; Buzzard's Cowboy Cuisine in Calgary, Alberta, Canada serves up, for a few weeks every summer, an unusual cowboy dish--prairie oysters (that's calves' testicles to you and me), and everyone's favorite breakfast--Biscuits, Balls and Gravy (shown). Not to be outdone, Frank and Carol's famous Turkey Testicle Festival in Union St. Station, Byron, IL serves up scrumptious scrotum to raise money for various charities, including Operation Santa Claus. Now that takes balls. Tired of this testicular testimonial? Don't start bawling, take a load off and listen to the Turkey Testicle Festival Song.

Psychic Cat Starts Fire, Fire Dog Saves Owner

2006-10-16T20:07:00.000-04:00

Betty Fussenhouser, 49, of Rhine, Wisconsin, who is recovering in a Sheboygan hospital tonight, considers herself lucky after her cat started a house fire and her dog called for help.

The woman was taken to Sheboygan Memorial Hospital and her injuries are said to be non-life threatening.

The incident occurred Sunday night, when Salem, the woman's psychic cat, knocked a candle onto a chair during a weekly seance her pets hold in the dining room; you may recall the cat from a story reported on in September by our sister network, Pet Seances Today.

"Salem, through her powers of precognition, actually foresaw this disaster months ago," the proud pet owner said. "So far, she has been 100% accurate." GT News has yet to verify the woman's claim, but this we do know for sure: her dog Nunya saved her life. We asked Betty what the story was behind her heroic dog's name. "Nunya business," she replied. You got us Betty.

"When the fire first broke out, I panicked. I looked over to Salem but she was at a loss, unable to contact her spirit guides for assistance," Betty said. "But Nunya sprang into action. He picked up the phone, dialed 911 and handed it to me, and by the time I had hung up, he had the extinguisher in his mouth and was fighting back the flames. It was horrible," she recalled.

Nunya is a trained emergency technician and local volunteer firedog, and often came to the aid of Betty, who lost a leg in a car accident. He will be buried in the backyard, wearing the fire badge that became his trademark.

"Salem and I got out safely, Nunya stayed to fight the fire," she stammered. "Then all of the sudden Salem dashed back into the house. I assume she went back for her I-Ching coins, she loves those coins."

Firefighters never recovered the remains of the Psychic cat and Betty is still holding out hope. "We'll know by Saturday night," she said. "She has two readings scheduled."

U.S. Population to Hit 300 Million Tuesday

2006-10-15T05:10:00.000-04:00

The U.S. Census Bureau today reported that the nation's population will reach the historic milestone of 300 million on Oct. 17 at about 7:46 a.m. (EDT). This comes almost 39 years after the 200 million mark was reached on Nov. 20, 1967.

The estimate is based on the expectation that the United States will register one birth every seven seconds and one death every 13 seconds between now and Oct. 17, while net international migration is expected to add one person every 31 seconds. The result is an increase in the total population of one person every 11 seconds

Gelotology Today Editor Dave adds: What haunts me is not food shortages from overpopulation, but rather the fact that the more people we have in the country, the closer we have to live to these freaks. Take for example, these "people", all vying to get famous from America's 300 millionth citizen.

Cooter and Hattie Farnsworth are expecting any day now, but Cooter has a plan. "I'm gonna make 'er work the hub cap farm in the front yard all mornin' Tuesday til she gives up dat baby! I'll gits me a 300 billion baby," Cooter said. Hattie quickly corrected him, "it's 300 Million you piece of crap, now gits me another berr."

We asked Cooter if Hattie was always a nagger.

"Naw, she's a little ol' white gal, but the last youngen' she had was a nagger. That's why I wants me one dem dayvorces."

We found this cute little whip outside the U.N building in New York on Saturday. Abdur Rahman, a 7-year-old from war torn Beruit, Lebanon, will become a U.S. citizen Tuesday morning. "God willing, I will become the 300 millionth citizen of this land of the great Satan," he said in that innocent, child-like manner. " Then I will strike like a theif in the night, sending the population back down to 200 million, when the Infidels feel the power of the true believers of the Prophet!" Aw, isn't he just the cutest thing you ever seen? Good Luck Abby!

Janet Werner, 31, of Oklahoma City, was discovered as we surfed the online auction site, ebay. She's taking bids all week for advertising space on her huge stomach. "Think of the exposure your company will receive when your ad is placed on the belly of the mother of our nation's 300 millionth person!" Janet said. We asked the soon-to-be-mom how she's so sure she'll gain the title. "At exactly 7:46 am, on my webcam at www.300m-baby.com/csection/webcam, I'm going to give myself a C-Section LIVE!" EDITOR: Maybe we should have told her about the time difference. ;)

"How this little fetus knows he's got 2 days to go is astounding!" That's what Dr. Chatam Patel told us at the ultrsound exam we attended at St. Mary Medical Center in Newtown, Pa. "I think we may have the country's 300 millionth citizen," he proclaimed, "or he's a tree-hugging liberal, we're just not 100% sure right now." Regardless, the Hospital is planning a big celebration. "We've ordered 300 million mylar balloons, so let's keep our fingers crossed." EDITOR: We will Dr. Chatam, we will.

In the years since the first "test tube baby" was born in 1978, physicians and scientists from RTY Hospital have been working to develop a viable technique for the successful impregnation of male individuals. Illustrated to the left is a photo taken this weekend of Edward Studman III, the first human subject to attempt this procedure, which shows the healthy fetus developing in his abdominal cavity. What better way for the first man ever to have a baby, than to have the 300 millionth.

"Men, as they grow older," Dr. Wilson observed playfully, "have already learned to cope with a steadily expanding waistline. Granted, well, this is a bit different." GT asked Ed if he was excited about the landmark birth. "My back aches, I've got bad acne, and my feet have swollen to a size 17, so what do you think?"

EDITOR: This one we just threw in as a joke!

Disney Character Minnie Mouse in Internet Sex Video

2006-10-14T13:05:00.001-04:00

Move over Janet Jackson and Pamela Anderson, Minnie Mouse has the latest raunchy Internet video.

The Walt Disney Company publicly stated on Thursday that "appropriate action" has been taken against it's euro-trash employees who took time out from their jobs as costumed Disney characters to have a backstage 'Minnie-menage a trois', and it was all captured on video.

It is unknown at this time if any of the employees at the Paris Disneyland have been dismissed, or what action will be taken. The poor quality video, shot backstage in the employee dressing room, shows Goofy grabbing Minnie from behind, and simulating 'doggie style' sex with the mouse. Minnie then struggles to free herself from the assault, only to be rolled over by the giant Snowman character, in a cold-blooded attempt at anal insertion; it was only by the grace of God that the Snowman was ill equipped for the sexual assault.

"The behavior shown on the video is unacceptable and inexcusable," Disney said in a statement. "We've had employees cross the line of what is considered acceptable in the past, but this is fu*king goofy," he said. "Walt is turning over in his grave right now."

The Disneyland debauchery continues as Mickey Mouse, in a scene reminiscent of Brokeback Mountain, mounts the Snowman, and the balling begins. If this doesn't chill you to the bone, the sound of Disney's trademark chipmunks, Chip and Dale, squealing with delight at the depravity will.

"Executives at the park are outraged," our source inside the theme park revealed. "The organization never tolerates any behavior that could taint its spotless image. They will be desperate to get to the bottom of this."

Goofy then grabs one of the chipmunks from behind and he becomes the latest victim. It is not clear in the video which of the two critters is on the receiving end.
"Dale is certainly the more capricious and flutter-witted of the two, and the slightly more logical Chip frequently has to bring him back in line, even if by force," our source told us.

Gelotology Today got some of the other Disney characters to go on record about the incident.

We tried to wake Snow White so she could comment but to no avail. Her filthy trailer was in a deplorable state and littered with apple cores and feces from all the woodland creatures that surrounded her.

We did, however, reach Bambi by cell phone and asked the fawn for her reaction. "I haven't seen the video...was Thumper there?" she asked. We assured her he was not present in the video. "Thank goodness," she gasped. "The very survival of the forest may hang in the balance."

Cinderella was furious. "Why wasn't I invited?" she exclaimed. "My f'in stepmother is behind this!" She then quickly hung up.

Count on Gelotology Today to bring you the latest developments in this ongoing investigation.

Ad -- New Mark Foley CD Instant Messages

2006-10-12T20:06:00.000-04:00

Catagory: Hot New Releases

Instant Messages Mark Foley
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1. Instant Messages*
2. You've Got Male*
3. Come to My Window
4. Turn the Page
5. You Really Got Me Now
6. You Text'd Me, You Sex'd Me*
7. Measure Your Love (Long Version)*
8. Yung Joc -- Its Goin Down
9. Pastor in my Past*
10. The Boys are Back in Town
11. I'm in the White Pages*
12. Closed Door Session*
includes the bonus remix -- You got the Lotion? (Rock the Vote)
* original track

Archaeologist Discover 18th Century Store

2006-10-08T10:55:00.000-04:00

A five-year-long archaeological project in Fort Edward, N.Y. that has yielded everything from musket balls to human remains has unearthed an unusual discovery.A 250-year-old Starbucks.

The find, to be published in the November issue of Archaeology Today, includes among other things, cups, menus, and a 3-foot wide storefront sign.

"I thought that Starbucks were everywhere, but this is ridiculous," said Steven Grepner, the lead archaeologist at the Hudson River site.

By mid-2004, Starbucks had more than 8,000 retail outlets worldwide and was opening new stores at the rate of about three every day. The company planned to open about 1,500 new stores in 2005, including 425 to be located outside the United States. Starbucks has set an eventual goal of 25,000 Starbucks outlets around the world, putting the company on a par with McDonalds and its 30,000 locations. In fact, as soon as the dig is completed, this site too will become a Starbucks.

"One of the most interesting artifacts uncovered is the menu," Grepner boasted. Choices included a 'Decaf Aristocrat', a 'Radical Whig White Chocolate Mocha', and a 'Loyalist Caffe Latte' and came in Apprentice, Patriot, and Revolutionary sizes. "They weren't cheap," Grepner said. "A Revolutionary Radical Wig White Chocolate Mocha set a colonist back the equivalent of $63 at the current rate of inflation."

The most startling discovery was the unsanitary condition of the 18th century Starbucks bathroom. Remarked Grepner, "Some things just never change."

Court Settles Fecal Matter

2006-10-07T06:41:00.000-04:00

A Chicago man on trial for drug charges said sorry for spreading his feces around the courtroom. He had been found guilty previously with the importation of a controlled substance, cocaine (no, feces is not a controlled substance, although I think it should be), and two other charges.

The suspect, who took matters into his own hands, is 28, and was sentenced to more than 10 years in prison.

"Im going to take full responsibility for everything I did in Duluth," he told the court. "I want to apologize for everything I did in court. I'm sorry, your Honor... and by the way, you missed a spot," he said, pointing; "right there, on your left cheek."

His lawyer said defending the man, "...has been a real crap-shoot."

He requested that the Judge place him on probation; the judged ruled against the defendant on the drug charges, but wiped the slate clean on the feces charges. "I think everyone was hoping the Judge would throw out that evidence," his attorney said, still clutching a Lysol wipe.

The suspect's mother was in attendance, dutifully providing everyone in the courtroom the wipes from her handbag. "You should've seen what he did when I told him he had to move out of my house," she said. "I'm still disinfecting."

For her generosity, the Mayor erected a statue outside the courthouse in her honor. The work is entitled, "The Lysol Lady."

GT Quickies

2006-10-04T01:41:00.000-04:00

Republican congressman Mark Foley of Florida was denounced today by Gay groups across the nation for sexually explicit AOL Instant Messages and E-mails he sent to 16 and 17-year-old males who worked as pages at the U.S. Capitol. That's pretty bad when the degenerates nationwide think you're a pervert. During a search of his home investigators found all the incriminating crap in his Foley Bag.
Can you believe this guy had the nerve to blame his Roman Catholic priest, with claims the priest molested him as a teenager. They didn't even have Instant Messaging back then. What next, blaming Al Gore because he invented the Internet? Oh yeah, and he admitted he was gay...Well Duh!
Hindsight being 20/20, AOL feels they may have exaserbated his addiction, and is considering changing the famous, "You've Got Male" anouncement so popular on the service.

Tennessee Titans defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth finally got the chance Oct. 3 to personally apologize to Andre Gurode for tearing open the Dallas Cowboys center's face with a cleat. Along with the apology Haynesworth is sending front row tickets for the whole family to attend the Musical 'Stomp'.

Convicted terrorists locked up in U.S. prisons can still use mail and instant messaging to conduct terrorist or criminal activities, according to a report issued Tuesday by the Department of Justice's inspector general. That's great news. Who are the idiots letting them use E-mail? A red flag should have gone up when the user ID name: 'I_will_ kill_all_americans' was logged into the prison E-mail server. Turns out that Richard Reid aka the mad shoe bomber was posing as a 16-year-old page on AOL Instant Messenger and having cyber sex with Rep. Mark Foley.

The Philadelphia Eagles will be hiding all the sharp objects and putting away all the pill bottles at the Link this week when T.O. and the Dallas Cowboys come to town for their matchup this Sunday in Philadelphia, Pa.
"T.O. is killing himself in practice this week," an unidentified source on the Cowboys said.

GT Consumer Corner

2006-10-03T21:15:00.000-04:00

Now if your mobile telephone is stolen, you can scream _ and your phone can, too. A new service launched Monday is designed to deter mobile phone theft by equipping telephones with an ear-piercing scream.

The screaming won't stop unless the battery is removed. Even if the thief replaces the phone's SIM card, the handset will not work.

All customers' information is centrally stored, so contacts, ringtones, pictures, texts and other data can be retrieved when a new handset is purchased. The service costs about $18 a month.

The goal of the service is to make mobile phones useless to anyone but the rightful owner.
"We'll see the market for stolen handsets stamped out once and for all," the inventor said.

Other inventions being prepared for market are a refrigerator that insults you when you eat too much, a home computer that snitches on family members with undesirable computing habits, and a toilet that begs to be cleaned.

The refrigerator, being marketed under the name "Smart Aspirations", utilizes facial recognition technology and RFID tags embedded in food products to determine not only who is raiding the fridge, but also what they are removing from it.

Enter your family members' names, weights and dietary restrictions, and let the monitoring begin. Going for the 'Chunkey Monkey' one too many times prompts the unit to say, "Your so fat, your idea of a balanced diet is a ham in both hands." Other weight loss motivators include "that's your third soda today, you get any heavier and we'll have to take your picture from outer space", "your so fat when you turn around, friends hold a welcome back party", and "eat anymore of that cheese my friend, and you'll be bound up for a week." Look for this item in December.

The Cyber-Snitch XPS will change the way the family uses the home computer forever.
The intuitive set-up is a snap and you'll soon be wondering how you got along without it.
Have the kids been surfing where they ought not be surfing? It will snitch the minute the parents log on. The husband hiding the Internet porn window under his financial website? Snagged. The teenaged daughter meeting who she thinks is a 15 year old from a chat room at the mall? This computer will recall verbatim the whole chat session. This computer keeps the whole family honest, and safe.

'Johnny The Clean Latrine' is now on the scene. Did you ever have guests over and someone makes a disgusting mess in the bathroom and despite your best investigative skills, you can't figure out who was the culprit? Well end the excrement exploratory process because this tell-tale toilet talks.

Sensors in the bowl, seat, and two-foot square area surrounding the unit sense a mess and at first, 'Johnny' will issue a warning. Say, for instance, you miss and piddle on the floor; well 'urine' for a shock! 'Johnny' warns, "You missed the bowl, please clean the floor...failure to comply will lead to documentation of this event."

Blue-Tooth technology enables the Administrator to print out reports and incriminating photographs with just a push of the "Who Did What" bio-scan button. With the optional 'Peg, the Paper Roll" installed, it will even inform the young ones when tissue paper in the bowl has reached maximum capacity, forever ending those annoying clogs and overflows. Set it for 'overhand' or 'underhand' bath tissue installation and 'Peg' will make sure guests know which way you like the paper hung. "Johnny The Clean Latrine" is available now at a home improvement center near you.

The Mob and Al-Qaida...Perfect Together

2006-10-02T02:21:00.000-04:00

A GT News Exclusive

The FBI's top counterterrorism official harbors lots of concerns: weapons of mass destruction, undetected homegrown terrorists and the possibility that old-fashioned mobsters will team up with al-Qaida for the right price.

Though there is no direct evidence yet of organized crime collaborating with terrorists, the first hints of a connection surfaced in a recent undercover FBI operation. Agents stopped a man with alleged mob ties from selling missiles to an informant posing as a terrorist middleman.

That case and other factors are heightening concerns about a real-life episode of the Sopranos teaming with Osama bin Laden's followers.

GT News has an undercover reporter embedded with the mob and secretly recorded this high level meeting between the two groups. Note the names and locations have been ommitted to protect the identity of our man on the inside.

This should send a chill down the spine of every American who hears it.

Start tape

Mob boss: Hey Joey, send in that sand flea, you f*in babbo

Underling: Right boss

(al-Qaida opererative enters)

Mob boss: So you da towel head wants us to wack somebody?

al-Qaida: God willing. We cannot overstate our hatred for infidels.

Mob boss: We aint got no Zinfendel, We got a nice Merlot.

al-Qaida: I do not know of this man, is he a strong fighter?

Mob boss: Listen ali Babba, you wanna make a marrige or wat?

al-Qaida: I already have enough wives, Praise Allah; but you are very kind Mr. Godfather.

Mob boss: Ok, funny guy,I'll give you a pass this time. Now we was thinkin', you f*in camel jockeys got some oil right. Now here's da deal, you get what you want; we get what we want. We wanna skim of this oil action, say ten a barrel, and we'll hit the mattress with whoever you want.

al-Qaida: We do not want you to lay with anyone. There is some misunderstanding. This is Jihad.

Mob boss: Hey Joey, look that word up.

Underling: Where boss?

Mob boss: In the f*in Arab to Mafia dictionary right here on my desk you goombah.

al-Qaida: Are you familiar with the use of IED's?

Mob boss: Are you f*in kiddin' me? My girl's got one in her; keeps her from gettin' knocked up.

al-Qaida: May she meet Allah quickly when she detonates.

Mob boss: Joey, get ready to take a walk with this pyramid pushin pri*k.
Underling: Where to boss?

Mob boss: To the middle of the the dessert you F*ck head. Then wack yourself.

end tape

FBI estimates say they should be on the same page by sometime in late 2009 and will be the greatest threat the free world has ever faced.

Avril Lavigne's Spitting Image

2006-09-30T07:06:00.000-04:00

The paparazzi is spitting mad at Avril Lavigne.

The punk rock star has issued an apology in response to reports that she spit at the paparazzi Wednesday while out in Hollywood celebrating her 22nd birthday; and again the evening before that, when she supposedly hocked one up at a cameraman outside of hotspot Hyde Lounge.

"I'd like to sincerely apologize for my behavior with the paparazzi," Lavigne said Friday in a statement. "It's trying at best dealing with their insistent intrusions. I meant no offense to my fans, whose relationship I truly value. I have and will always go out of my way for my fans. My lugies were a reaction to the persistent attack from the paparazzi."

Spit is a clear liquid that's made in your mouth 24 hours a day, every day. It's made up mostly of water, with a few other chemicals. The slippery stuff is produced by the salivary glands. These glands are found on the inside of each cheek, on the bottom of the mouth, and under the jaw at the very front of the mouth. They secrete, or ooze, about 2 to 4 pints of spit into your mouth every day.

The Let Go singer did exactly that this week, exchanging gastroesophageal reflux with her husband, Sum 41 frontman Deryck Whibley, on Tuesday in a black SUV parked outside of Hyde. She then reportedly let go a lump of lung batter as photographers tried to capture the moment.

On Wednesday Lavigne was spied exiting the same club when she let loose a torrent of F-bombs directed at both the paparazzi and autograph-seekers, going so far as to scribble a few F-word laden phrases on some of the pictures handed to her to sign. This time she was videotaped forcing a phlegm fetus out the window of her SUV; just when you thought the mucus missile launching pop-star was gaining some class when she traded in her men's shirt and tie for a Vera Wang gown when she wed Whibley in July .

According to the singer's Website, her as-yet untitled third album will be released sometime during the first half of 2007. I can think of a few titles reflective of her talents:

Throat Missiles
Sidewalk Pizza Volume 1
Lung Chum and Love Songs
Clearing My Throat
Pavement Asterisks
Lateral Lung Lunch Lullaby
"It's really upbeat. I have a few love songs--it's so funny," Lavigne said. "Of course, I still have my boy-bashing songs, but they're very playful. So the record is really fun and cool and different, and honestly I think it's my best record yet. I can say that with confidence. Hgggggggh Thooooo!"

GT Now Offers "GT Separation Service"

2006-09-28T13:40:00.000-04:00

Gelotology Today is proud to announce a new service to it's readers!

Is your relationship with someone over, and you just don't know how to end it?

Are you currently seeing someone else on the down-low and want to make it "official"?

Introducing "GT Separation Service". A service that takes the anxiety of telling that significant other to hit the bricks...and the best part, it's totally free!

We asked our boss, and Editor, Dave, who came up with the idea, why in the world he would want to get involved in such a hard, and sometimes dangerous undertaking. "I think it's fun!", he said, standing next to his three burly, personal bodyguards.

"There are three different methods of 'mate disposal' we are offering: first there's 'Thoughtful', for those who hold no ill feelings towards the soon to be jilted. Second is 'Logical', for those analytical types, containing indisputable facts, pie charts, and witness testimonies. Then my personal favorite, 'Vindictive' , where we really get creative!", he said, with that patented, evil grin we have all come to know.

Look for a "GT Separation Service" web form on the sidebar soon! If you really can't wait to drop the bomb, comment to this post with the future ex's name, E-mail adress (we don't share E-mail adresses with any partner or third party), the type of service required; 1- Thoughtful, 2- Analytical, 3- Vindictive along with all the pertinent facts and consider the job done. No further contact with the recipient is required! So stop worrying, and start living!

Need more convincing that using GT Separation is right for you? Below is just a few of the test market testimonials we recieved:

"I was skeptical you could get the job done, but he's gone for good! He doesn't even drive by my parent's house anymore thanks to the included Restraining Order...GT, you're a lifesaver!" - Tess H., homemaker, Hoboken, NJ

"I thought I'd never be able to see Bob in public, but Susan is history now thanks to that incredibly indisputable bar graph! Thanks GT- Steven Q., accountant, San Fransisco, Ca

"I chose 'Vindictive', and I'm so glad I did! Good riddence to that fat,(expletive deleted), smelly (expletive deleted) man and his ugly, (several expletives deleted) mother!" - name on file, Little Rock, AK

Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Lie

2006-09-28T01:03:00.000-04:00

The man who co-wrote the song "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" had the unsettling experience this week of reading his own obituary; the result of an impostor who went through life claiming to be the author of the 1960s smash hit.

On Tuesday, The Associated Press reported on the death of a 68-year-old man named Paul Van Valkenburgh of Ormond Beach, Fla., who claimed to have written the song under the name Paul Vance. The story cited the man's wife as the source for that claim.

But the music industry's real Paul Vance, a 76-year-old man from Coral Springs, Fla., is alive and well, and says the other Paul Vance appears to have made the whole thing up.

"Do you know what it's like to have grandchildren calling you and say, `Grandpa, you're still alive?"' he said in a telephone interview from Coral Springs. "This is not a game. I am who I am and I'm proud of who I am. But these phones don't stop with people calling thinking I'm dead."

The Paul Vance who wrote the songs ; and provided proof with royalty payments he is still receiving for the hit, said he has been inundated with calls from people who think he died. An owner of racehorses, Vance said two of his horses were scratched from races Wednesday because people thought he had died.

Rose Leroux, the widow of the man who died, said her husband told her that he never got any royalties because he sold the rights when he was young, around 19. She said that by the time they met almost 40 years ago, he was making his living as a salesman.

To prove he is the real songwriter, Vance provided royalty statements showing dozens of payments for the tune sent to his address in Westbury, N.Y., where he lived before moving to Florida.

Leroux said she wished the other Paul Vance had never spoken up. "It's such a long time ago. To have it come out now, I'm kind of devastated," she said. "If this man is getting the royalties why wouldn't he be happy? The more you stir this up the more you'll smell. Paul can't hurt him now --he's dead. And we're not going after him for the royalties."

Editor GT News: I felt sorry for this widow, Rose Leroux, when this story landed on my desk, so I quickly penned a version Rose can call her own. Rose, I give you permission to steal this version, OK Babe?

Click here to play the music, and sing along with the widow!

Rose Leroux thought hubby wrote the lyrics
And that he sold the song rights stupidly
Rose Leroux thought hubby wrote the lyrics
So she put it in his obituary

It was a teenie weenie little lie, a salesman told before he died
That Vance had heard for the first time today
A teenie weenie little lie, a salesman told before he died
And the grandkids thought he passed away

Paul Vance showed the royalty payments
And the plan that Valkenburgh had hatched
Paul Vance showed the royalty payments
But his racehorses still all got scratched

It was a teenie weenie little lie, a salesman told before he died
That Vance had heard for the first time today
A teenie weenie little lie, a salesman told before he died
Vance had to gamble in some other way

Leroux wanted Vance to be quiet
Keep hubby"s lie that he wanted to tell
Leroux wanted Vance to be quiet
"The more you stir this up the more you'll smell"

It was a teenie weenie little lie, a salesman told before he died
That Vance had heard for the first time today
A teenie weenie little lie, a salesman told before he died
She's still mad at Paul Vance to this day

(From the lyrics to the payments)
(From the payments to the horse)
(From the horse to the smell)
Yes, there isn't any more

Dalai Lama vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger...You Decide

2006-09-27T02:29:00.000-04:00

The Dalai Lama was in Long Beach on Tuesday to address a conference of women presided over by California's first lady Maria Shriver. He also met privately with Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger for a secret battle on an undisclosed beach to decide a long running feud the two have had via E-mail.

"Arnold has been secretly training for this match for quite some time now," said a spokesperson close to the brawler.

When GT News asked the other combatant, his Holiness, what, if any, training he had done for this historic clash he paused, prior to his reply: "In one sense, we can say that other sentient beings are really the principal source of all our experiences of joy, happiness, and prosperity, and not only in terms of our day-to-day dealings with people. We can see that all the desirable experiences that we cherish or aspire to attain are dependent upon cooperation and interaction with other sentient beings", he said. When asked to simplify for our readers' benefit he said,"I'm gonna kick his ass."

In the GT office pool, wagerers are divided. "I don't see how he can lose. Arnold is pretty buff," said Sally, office manager. "Yeah, but the Dalai Lama can reincarnate after being killed," remarked Hsu, our graphic designer, "and can keep coming back for more."

The Dalai Lama has distilled his personal belief system to a simple phrase: "I kill with kindness," to which Arnold replied, "You're such a girly-man, you are going to wish you never came to cal-e-fornia!"

Throughout the interview, the Dalai Lama advocated a compassion "that is not based on the positive attitude of others toward you, but rather on the conviction that others are human beings and thus have every right to compassionate treatment, even if they are steroid-mutated politicians."

The Governor was physically knocked back by the verbal jab, but quickly recovered. "That's it Dah-lee LLama! Right here! Right now!" Arnold finally backed off when Maria threatened to punish him when they got home.

So, will we ever know who will prevail in this unprecedented battle? Who do our readers think will be victorious? Stay tuned to GT for more. D.

Teddy Bear Trout Killer on the Loose

2006-09-26T05:29:00.000-04:00

MILFORD, N.H. - A teddy bear has been implicated in 2,500 deaths. Of trout, that is. State officials say a teddy bear dropped into a pool at a Fish and Game Department hatchery earlier this month clogged a drain. The clog blocked the flow of oxygen to the pool and fish suffocated.

Hatcheries supervisor Joe Carpenter said the bear, who was dressed in yellow raincoat and hat , is believed to be the first stuffed bear to cause fatalities at the facility.

"We've had pipes get clogged, but it's usually with more naturally occurring things like a frog or even a dead muskrat or family dog," he said. "This one turned out to be a teddy bear, as security cameras clearly show."
The deaths prompted Carpenter to release a written warning and post it to every tree in the area: "RELEASE OF ANY TEDDY BEARS into the fish hatchery water IS NOT PERMITTED." "That should do the trick," he said proudly.

He said it's not known who the little girl caught on camera is, but clearly it was done with criminal intent. "If I ever run into this murderer, I'll...I'll...," Carpenter stopped short of threatening the child. He offered this advise to the public." I urge anyone whose bear ends up in a hatchery pool to find a worker to remove it. They might save your teddy bear, and keep it from becoming a killer," he said.

Rick Bassinger, an employee at the hatchery, sided with the bear. "He got beat up pretty good," he said yesterday, holding the toy carefully, a telltale weed poking out from the bear's hat. "Somebody's going to see him on TV and say, 'Hey, that's Susie's bear.'"

Build a Bear Workshop has posted a $10,000 reward and a certificate good for one stuffed toy to the person that provides the lead Fish and Game Wardens need to make an arrest.

In the meantime, Bassinger is suggesting a simple piece of advice to parents who allow their children to bring toys with them to the hatchery.

"Tie a string on them," he said. (The bear, not the child)

"It's kind of a cute little teddy bear and people wouldn't think that a cute little teddy bear would be able to kill fish so efficiently, but this little guy is as deadly as he is cute", Carpenter admitted. When asked if he would return the bear if the child was ever found,the supervisor was adament. "No way! This is going into my collection, next to the frog, dead muskrat, and family dog."

UK Drug Use Up - Tony Blair Comments on GT

2006-09-24T22:25:00.000-04:00

GT News Contributor Jonathan Crocker Reporting from London

New figures show the number of workers caught in Britain with cocaine in their systems has increased by 3,000 percent over the last decade.

The Independent reported that the new figures represent an ongoing trend among British workers. The decade also saw an 18 percent rise in employees failing drug tests, now about 5 percent of the country's entire workforce.

In 2005 alone, Medscreen reported that almost 7,000 workers in Britain were found to have illegal drugs such as heroin or cannabis in their systems at the time of the testing.

Most drugs, particularly cocaine, leave the system quickly, suggesting their discovery in workers' bodies was cause by recent prevalent use, the report said.

The newspaper said such frequent use undoubtedly involves the work week, not just on the weekends.

GT rang up Mr. Blair for a video phone- in and he was kind enough to take time out from holiday to answer a few questions.

GT: Welcome to the programme Mr. Blair
TB: Thank you for having me Jonathan. Wow! Look! I can see you on this phone!

GT: Yes Sir, it's a video phone um..I can see you too, Mr. Prime Minister.
TB: Coool

GT: Yes Sir...well anyway...um.. what do you make of reports that drug use is up 3,000% in the UK in the last decade?
TB: 3,000 %...(laughs) I thought you couldn't go any higher than 100%. I mean, isn't that like, the most something can be?

GT: Um.. right...so are you planning to start more testing for illegal drug use?
TB: I don't need to take a drug test, I'm the Prime Minister, you git. (nervous laugh)

GT: No Sir, that's not wha..(sigh)...Sir, reports are Brits are using cocaine and cannabis during the week now as well as weekends and it's effecting job performance. What's your view?
TB: Well Jonathan, I must say, for the record, that I do not agree with any kind of drug use AT ALL during the work week. I want to be totally clear on that issue.

GT: Ok, fair enough...I..
TB: Damn straight

GT: Right...um...Mr. Blair, I can see you making faces at me, this is a video phone.
TB: (clears throat) Um, no.. it's..um, I have something in my eye.

GT: Are you feeling OK Sir...you look a...um, a little tired..or...something.
TB: What are you saying Jonathan?

GT: Oh, nothing... it's just tha-
TB: I'm fine Jonathan, are you insinuating I'm... on something now? ( Blair looking irritated)

GT: Umm...no.. uh...yes, yes I am Sir. Sorry Sir...(clears throat)
TB: Preposterous... look here Jonathan...look, see this? (Tony Blair holds up a swab to the camera phone)

GT: Yes I do...
TB: (In front of the camera, Mr. Blair undergoes a mouth-swab drug test for cocaine and heroin. As he dips it in a glass of liquid the results shown are negative.) See! Hah Ha!
GT: Uh, Mr. Prime Minister...that's a Q-Tip and your dipping it in a brandy..... aren't you?...Mr. Blair? (emphasis)
TB: (no reply)

GT: Mr. Blair?
TB: (camera shows the prime minister reaching around to back of video phone, pulling wires out, then laughing as he inserts a small spoon into his nose and snorts)

GT: Mr. Blair, we can still see you.
TB: Aaaargh! ( goes insane attacking video phone)

(blue screen)

end interview

This is Jonathan Crocker, reporting from London.

Back to you Dave...

Thank you Jonathan. I hope he's gonna be ok. And Jonathan... are you still there?

Yes sir, I am.

Charge him for that phone
.

Video Phone Capture of Tony Blair on GT

The Maduro Story From Venezuela - Translated!

2006-09-24T12:16:00.000-04:00

Just to fair for our reporting, the organism at GT, for our readers wanted to give the change to see the side from a story differently, and this case, the happened things of relations to Foreign Minister Nicolas Maduro of Venezuela was unusually debated to U.S. authorities at J.F.K. Airstation in New York. Following is the story, unmovable by electronic devices in spite of it is translated for English. Enjoy

The U.S.A. apologizes by the happened thing to Maduro New York. -
The chancellor was accompanied by his woman and one of its daughters when, according to his own declarations, it was retained around 90 minutes and prevented its exit, >in spite of identifying itself like member of government of high rank.

Maduro it had participated in the debate of the General Assembly of the UN and it was arranged to return to Caracas. The American newspaper "New York Times" mentions in its edition of today a spokesman of the Secretariat of State of the country, Galician Gonzo, that affirms that the organism laments the happened thing and that "the government of the United States apologizes before the Maduro chancellor and the Venezuelan government".

The CNN informed, mentioning an identified worker of the White House, that Maduro arrived only 30 ahead minutes before the exit of its flight, did not pay its tickets in metalist and later it was arranged to happen through the security controls. When the workers requested to him that he happened for the second time through the metal detector, the chancellor refused and instead of it he made a call by the movable telephone, according to the transmitter.

Maduro then it was lead to a small room to continue with his registry and it was requested to him that the clothes took off. In a press conference that it gave later, it assured that the security civil employees were aggressive when he recognized to be the head of the diplomacy of Venezuela, that insulted to him and threatened striking it. Of unofficial form one said from the White House that Maduro it presented his identity diplomatic later, when their documents of trip were asked for to him.

Average Americans related the event to the words of Venezuelan president, Hugo Chávez, before the General Assembly of the UN of some days ago, when she said that the American president, George W. Bush, were the personification of the devil. Also they reported that after the retention and the delay of one hour and average before the civil employees American to receive the permission of trip, Maduro he later decided to remain in New York.

The reason alleged for the halting was an investigation by its apparent participation in the attempt coup d'etat of a group of the military in 1992 against then president Carlos Andrés Perez and in "terrorist activities".

I can be understanding now more to his laments due to our security controls... D.

French Daily Reports Usama bin Laden Dead

2006-09-23T13:16:00.000-04:00

Listen to Steven Hawking read this article

Usama bin Laden is dead.

That is the claim of The daily L”est Republicain, a French newspaper, citing a French secret service report, that Saudi Arabia was convinced bin Laden died of typhoid in Pakistan in late August.

The daily quoted “usually reliable sources” (most likely Saudi Arabian) that Usama bin Laden had died of typhoid fever, and French authorities are investigating the bin Laden ‘death’ leak.

French President Jacques Chirac said on Saturday he would investigate the source of the leak of the confidential French defense ministry documents, and stressed the report had been in no way confirmed.

“I was rather surprised to see that a confidential note from the DGSE (General Directorate for External Security) was published and I have asked the minister of Defense to start an investigation immediately and to reach whatever conclusions are necessary,” Chirac said.

Typhoid fever is a life-threatening illness caused by the bacterium Salmonella Typhi. In the United States about 400 cases occur each year, and 75% of these are acquired while traveling internationally. Typhoid fever is still common in the developing world, where it affects about 21.5 million persons each year.

In a videotaped message airing on the Arabic-language television network Al Jazeera today, second in command Ayman al-Zawahiri cautioned all Mujahedeen fighters across the Middle-East and in particular the mountainous regions surrounding the Afganistan-Pakistan border, to take precautions to prevent the spread the deadly bacterium.

GT has obtained a written transcript of the al-Zawahiri message:
'In the name of God, praise be to God, and praise and blessings be upon the Messenger of God, his family, his Companions, and all those who follow him. I want to reassure you about our situation. The fall has started hot with operations escalating in Afghanistan. The enemy struck a blow against us with this so called Typhoid fever. The Infidels will not succeed in this effort, God willing.

My brothers in this struggle, I have Googled 'Typhoid fever', and compiled a list of precautions that can be taken to save you from this martydom, praise Allah.

First, for those fighters in the caves of the White Mountains: this Crusader Fever, as we call it, can be ingested from sewage contaminated foodstuffs. You must not, I repeat NOT, evacuate near your food and water supply. I can not stress this enough my brothers. Set up one cave for evacuating both your solid and liquid wastes, and one cave for your food and water. This is important, praise Allah.

Second, to those freedom fighters in Tora Bora and elsewhere, may God bless you and grant you superiority over the idolatrous infidels. But heed my warning to you.

Good Muslims with this fever carry the bacteria in their bloodstream and intestinal tract. In addition, a small number of followers of the Prophet, called 'Carriers' , recover from this Crusader Fever but continue to carry the bacteria. Both ill fighters that are striken or the Holy Carriers of this plague by the idolatrous infidels, traitorous apostates, and those turncoat deviants, shed this abomination in their feces.

A victory in Islam will never take place until all freedom fighters wash there hands after evacuating. To this end, I am sending out liquid hand sanitizer to all fighters on the Peninsula, it dries quickly and leaves no sticky residue, and kills 99.99% of the germs that cause this Crusader curse. Praise be to Him!

This is my opinion, which I do not preach as infallibile, but I have reviewed the top 50 returns on Google search engine and I am sure this will aid in our victory. We ask God that He send down his victory upon us that he promised to his faithful worshipers.'

Arrest Made in Spinach Death

2006-09-23T01:24:00.000-04:00

A Gelotolgy Today Exclusive

Listen to Steven Hawking read this article

Los Angeles- Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber always had a moral message in their long-running "VeggieTales" video series, but they weren't talking when asked to comment on news that an arrest has been made in the death of one person and the sickening of 166 others from E. Coli infected spinach.

Arrested late last night on an undisclosed spinach farm somewhere near Los Angeles, California was Kale The Spinach, 33 , of Garden Grove, California.

The investigation into the source of the nationwide epidemic took an unexpected turn Wednesday when police recieved a tip call from ex-lover and longtime co-star of the hit children's television series, Larry The Cucumber, 27 of South Central.

Sources close to the investigation tell GT that Kale and Larry had an on-again - off-again homosexual relationship going back to 1996, and that stories published in the news media of Larry The Cucumber's troubles with the religous right, when a battery-operated Larry The Cucumber toy was pulled from store shelves and banned after choking incidents involving 3 children and a 63 year old minister from Wisconsin, put a strain on their relationship. But lately it's reports of bar-hopping and rumors of a secret affair with Paris Hilton that may have been too much for the leafy-green star.

Kale The Spinach is charged with one count of first degree murder and numerous counts of attempted murder, conspiracy to commit murder, and various food tampering charges after DNA samples taken by police tested positive for the E. Coli strain responsible for the attacks. Police deny rumors of ties to al-Qaeda or any other terrorist groups. Kale The Spinach spent six months in Pakistan in 2004, insisting his visit was part of a U.N. food relief program there.

Police are interrogating the part human- part vegetable suspect to determine where and when he spread the E. Coli and what other Vegetable-Americans he may have come in contact with. Files recovered from The Spinach's home computer led investigators to the 22nd floor apartment of Laura Carrot, were they found her lifeless body dangling from her own stalk to the balcony below. Authorities launched a seperate investigation into whether the death was a suicide or if foul play was involved and if Laura played any part in the E. Coli attacks. Being called in for questioning and testing, among others, are 5 year old Junior Asparagus, Petunia Rhubarb, the imfamous Madame Blueberry, and due to FDA concerns over the impending fall harvest, the comic duo of Jimmy and Jerry Gourd.

On Friday, officials said spinach grown anywhere outside that area is safe to eat — but the industry needs to figure out how to let consumers know the origin of what they're buying before the green can return to sale, said Dr. David Acheson of the FDA's Center for Food Safety and Applied Nutrition.

Gelotology Today reporters were waiting outside the courthouse when sheriff's deputies transported Kale The Spinach to his arraignment hearing yesterday. He appeared whithered and limp as he approached the courthouse.

We got a chance to ask the suspect if he was bitter over being turned in by his co-star turned homosexual lover and if he had anything to say to him......"Eat me", he said.

Stay tuned to GT News for more on this developing story.

Help Find The Pope!

2006-09-22T12:23:00.000-04:00

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
***click on the photo for an expanded view***

Pope Benedict XVI will meet on Monday with the ambassadors of Muslim countries and the leaders of the Muslim community in Italy amid the uproar over his remarks seen as linking Islam to violence, the Ansa news agency said.

The meeting is to take place at Castel Gandolfo, the pope's summer residence outside of Rome, the agency said on Friday.

Italian newspapers have recently mentioned the possibility of such a meeting to allow the pope to explain his recent controversial remarks.

The comments sparked several days of protests in Muslim countries, prompting the pontiff to say he was "deeply sorry" for any offence and attributing Muslim anger over his speech to an "unfortunate misunderstanding".

Now, unfortunately for the pontiff, due to recent threats, he must try to blend in with the crowd and Gelotology Today needs bloggers help.

Can you find Pope Benedict XVI at this anti-Muslim extremist rally?

Click on the photo for a greatly expanded view of the crowd. Feel free to post below if you think you've found him. We've added an A -Z grid at the bottom of the photo to help you describe his location. For example, you could say he is located in column D between the woman in red and the man in the hooded sweatshirt. To ensure the pope's safety we ask that you don't divulge his whereabouts to any terrorist networks.

Thanks for your help and Happy Hunting !

The Staff @ Gelotology Today

Eat a Roach?...Don't make me puke!

2006-09-22T03:33:00.000-04:00

Why wait in line when you can just eat a cockroach? That's the question Six Flags Great America is asking its thrill seekers during its Halloween-themed FrightFest. The amusement park is daring customers to eat a live Madagascar hissing cockroach in exchange for unlimited line-jumping privileges.
If you ask me (and I'm aware- for all you smarty pants out there -that you didn't) the daring thing would be getting on a ride next to anyone who would eat a hissing cockroach. Especially before being spun, tumbled, and flipped upside down.

If there's one thing worse than eating a Madagascar hissing cockroach, it's being yacked on by some line-jumping FrightFest Fruitcake hurling chunks of GASTRIC CAECEA ( little sacks inside a cockroach that keep germs and enzymes available to help a cockroach digest its food) in your face!

...I mean think about it~ some Ragin' Cajun ridin', Madagascar eatin' mental midget, blowing chunks of Madagascar MIDGUT (that’s the middle part of the intestine where the cockroach absorbs nutrients so it doesn't explode) all over the enormous novelty hat you just spent $32 to win at the arcade.

Imagine, if you can, the true horror as little Joey, who begged and pleaded with you to ride the Giant Drop, finds himself slathered with giant drops- of vomitous MALPIGHIAN TUBULES (you say malpighian tubules, I say cockroach kidney). Either way, to little Joey, and his newly found lifetime supply of emotional baggage, it's the same thing.

The promotion starts Oct. 7. If you go, watch your back (and your front). BWAHAHAHAH!

Religous Leaders Cross With Madonna

2006-09-21T18:09:00.000-04:00

Madonna has released a statement explaining her reasoning behind the controversial "crucifix scene" on her Confessions Tour. In the statement, she says, "I am very grateful that my show was so well received all over the world. But there seems to be many misinterpretations about my appearance on the cross and I wanted to explain it myself once and for all." ... Phew!... What a relief. I've been to six chat rooms, polled thousands of concerned citizens, and attended a Town Hall meeting in Czestochowa trying to sort out exactly what she was trying to convey to me.
"There is a segment in my show where three of my dancers 'confess' or share harrowing experiences from their childhood that they ultimately overcame. I then absolve them of all sin and only then are they able to simultaneously fondle me throughout the next stanza.
My 'confession' follows and takes place on a Crucifix that I ultimately come down from, to the relief of most of the audience, who are worried I will see it through until I "give up the ghost".
This is not a mocking of the church. It is no different than a person wearing a Cross or 'Taking Up the Cross' as it says in the Bible. I have to agree here, I can't go a day in public without bumping into one of those "cross wearers", (and I have the scars to prove it).
My performance is neither anti-Christian, sacrilegious or blasphemous...
Can I get a Hallelujah!?
Rather, it is my plea to the audience to encourage mankind to help one another and to see the world as a unified whole. I believe in my heart that if Jesus were alive today he would be doing the same thing." Yes, it is a shame that Jesus is dead, I'm sure he could have straightened out this whole debacle.
The song ends with a quote from the Bible's Book of Matthew: 'For I was hungry and you gave me food. I was naked and you gave me clothing. I was sick and you took care of me,' and God replied, 'Whatever you did for the least of my brothers... you did it to me."'
My quote to Madonna, "For I was hungry, and you made me lose my appetite. I was naked and you gave me that pointy cone-shaped bra thingy. I was sick and you made me projectile vomit."

Kids Play Nice...or No Butts on Ice!

2006-09-21T05:03:00.000-04:00

A book of rhymes handed out to kindergarten classes across Maine are being criticized by some parents as inappropriate. "Schoolyard Rhymes" is a compilation of 50 verses included in bags given to 18,000 pupils through the Read With ME literacy project supported by Gov. John Baldacci and his wife.

His wife, who is a former kindergarten teacher, spearheads Maine Reads, the nonprofit umbrella organization for Read With ME that is funded by Verizon, the Bangor Daily News reported. The group receives no state money.
A few of the rhymes have raised some eyebrows. For example, one says, "Ladies and gentlemen, Take my advice, Pull down your pants And slide on the ice." Another one says, "Girls go to Mars to get candy bars. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider."
Thank goodness they couldn't figure out a rhyme for Uranus.
A mother of a 5-year-old son who goes to the McGraw School, said the book is "completely inappropriate.""It's rude. There are words in there that I don't allow in my house."
I don't know, this winter, I may just take that advice. Bare butts on ice... ooh that's nice.

Belly Aiken?

2006-09-21T04:29:00.000-04:00

Clay Aiken has fallen short of denying rumors that he is gay.
In an interview in the new issue of People, the 27-year-old singer dodged a direct question about his sexuality."What do you say (to that question)? … It's like when I was 8. I remember something would get broken in the house, and Mom and Dad would call me in and say, 'Did you do this?' "Well, it didn't matter what I said. The only thing they would believe was yes,” he told the magazine. “People are going to believe what they want."

I disagree Clay, I wanted to believe you were straight, and you've totally changed my mind. D.

The Devil and Mr. Bush...

2006-09-21T02:53:00.000-04:00

"...Yesterday, the devil came here,"Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez said, referring to Bush's address before the U.N. General Assembly on Tuesday. "Right here. Right here. And it smells of sulfur still today, this table that I am now standing in front of."
He then made the sign of the cross, brought his hands together as if praying and looked up at the ceiling.
He later went on to say, "An Alfred Hitchcock movie could use it as a scenario. I would even propose a title: `The Devil's Recipe,'"
Chavez's words drew tentative giggles at times from the audience, but also applause at the end of the speech and when he called Bush the devil, a word he used no fewer than eight times.
We caught up with The Prince of Darkness at the home of actor Tom Cruise and actress Katie Holmes and when asked to comment on the story, Satan forcefully repeated his denial, saying, "I did not possess that man, Mr. Bush." Then placing baby Suri back on the altar said, "Why do people always say I smell like sulfur? Do you smell sulfur? I don't ... I smell Axe Voodoo!"

Chavez stressed the need to improve Tehran-Caracas ties. He stressed that Venezuela favors strengthened ties with Iran in various fields, particularly in auto and tractor manufacturing.
His new automobile, the Hu-Go Jihadi SE, is set to roll out in time for the big Ramadan travel season, and features Allah-wheel drive, Mecca-Star Navigation, seating for six extremists, and the head room to accomodate the highest wrapped Hijabs... or leave the spider hole in a hurry in the speedy, Limited Edition Jihadi Dictator with luxurious prayer rug interiors and a bullet proof exterior.

In the news...

2006-09-20T11:10:00.000-04:00

Chinese doctors say they successfully transplanted a penis on a man who lost his own in an accident, but had to remove it two weeks later "because of the wife's psychological rejection as well as the swollen shape of the transplanted penis.” Lucky for her they allow exchange for size.
All kidding aside, this is terrible news for the poor guy; he was by far, for those few days, the most well endowed Chinese guy on the planet.
I can kind of sympathize…my penis has been rejected in the past…although not because it was swollen.
Doctors say other risks involved are rejection of the transplanted organ and the need to take rejection-suppressing medications for the rest of your life. The first hand transplant recipient stopped taking his medication and later requested the hand be amputated. You can just imagine how difficult it must be for the first hand AND penis transplant recipient, Pee-wee Herman.

Speaking of hands, a doctor has pleaded not guilty to stealing a hand from a New Jersey medical school cadaver and giving it to an exotic dancer.
The exotic dancer, Carla Matlin, kept the hand in a jar of formaldehyde in her bedroom and called the hand “Freddie.”
Along with the hand, police found six human skulls. Her mother believed the skulls were bought from a mail order catalog. I can just imagine how that conversation went. ‘Linda! Those skulls better not have been stolen from a cadaver!’…‘No mama, I ordered them out of that ‘Harriet Carter’ catalog in the bathroom! So stop accusing me of unlawful disposal of human remains and help me into this thong!’
In her defense, Matlin admitted it was the first time the stripper was given a hand for her performance. In the doctor’s defense, he confessed at the time of the gifting, he was out of singles…I wonder if there’s room in her collection for a recently available second hand penis named “Hung Nomo”?

This news from Great Britain, hospitals are now offering Muslim women burka-style gowns for their patients. The turquoise colored “inter-faith” gown is hoped to help Muslim women (who would otherwise die of their infirmities rather than wear the sexy, standard issue garb) seek medical treatment. So far it seems to be catching on. The hospital burka reveals nothing but the eyes and ass.