If Cigarettes Cause Dimentia, These Ads Will Make You Insane

GTN New York- A study by the University of Cambridge, Britain's Peninsula Medical School and the University of Michigan published on Feb. 13th in the British Medical Journal links exposure to second hand smoke with an increased risk of dementia, the progressive decline in cognitive function due to damage or disease in the body beyond what might be expected from normal aging.

Gelotology Today discovered several vintage pro-smoking ads and if second hand smoke doesn't drive you mad, these ads might just do the trick.

A brand new idea in smoking-mentholated cigarettes! As the perforated cut out section below promises-nothing tastes more like springtime than a menthol smoke! Whoever penned this gem must have spent springs near a coal burning factory.

Why we wonder, would you want to cut this portion out, unless you need something later to hack up a lung into?

"He's one of the busiest men in town. While his door may say Office Hours 2-4, he's on call 24 hours a day."

The doctor is a scientist, a diplomat, and a friendly, sympathetic human being all in one, no matter how long and hard his schedule."

"More doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette"

I can imagine the dinner table discussion as this ad was read...

Harold, as long as we're choosing a doctor to treat little Jimmy's asthma, why not choose that one with the ashtray breath that chain-smokes camels?

Sympathetic Human Being? Hey Doc; How 'bout putting that thing out before you treat my open head wound!

After the drag of a long oceanic expedition hunting new, enigmatic denizens of the deep, nothing is better than the deep drag of a Winston cigarette.

Jill likes to hold hers up in front of her face so she can safely witness the upcoming solar eclipse, while Jacques is devising a plan to convert this newly discovered species of squid into a Winston-burning Turkish water pipe.

Gather the kids round the fireplace, daddy is going to read this special holiday message from Santa!

Santa: Ho Ho HO! (Ho's added for authenticity)

smoke PALL MALL the cigarette whose mildness you can measure"

Little Timmy on Christmas morn: WOW! Look Ma! Santa came! And he brought me a carton of Pall Malls!

Lucy (also on Christmas morn-for those too demented from second hand smoke to follow along):Santa brought me a 'Mildness Measuring' device and this neat-o puff chart! YAY! Can we measure the mildness mom, PLEASE!

"After careful examination of your teeth, I find them to be way too healthy and white. Just one look at your gum line and it's plain to see, absolutely no receding!

"As your Dentist, I would recommend Viceroys"

"now open up wide...and get ready to enter flavor country"

This, according to Chesterfields' elite 'Flavor Panel':

"Science discovered it- YOU can prove it"

"No unpleasant after-taste "

Ironic that their panel found their cigarettes the winner!

What this study has to do with with a high- powered microscope we are still looking into, but of one thing we are certain: This scientist is not suffering from embarrassing ashtray breath!

So smoke up and tongue-kiss awaaaaaay!

This was our 'Editors Choice' for cutest cancer causing killer ad!

"Gee Dad, you always get
the best of everything
Marlboro !"
"Aww, look Karen-isn't that the cutest thing! Little Kenneth said his first words!!"

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Coming Out Planned for Polar Bear Couple

GTNews Puzzled Japanese zookeepers have cleared up a mystery over a lack of chemistry between a couple of polar bears as both turn out to be female, a Japanese zoo said Wednesday.

Tsuyoshi, a four-year-old "male" polar bear, and his 11-year-old female partner, Kurumi, have been living together since June at the Kushiro Municipal Zoo in Hokkaido, northern Japan.

But much to the frustration and puzzlement of zookeepers, the bear couple, on a breeding mission, showed no signs of breeding, and Tsuyoshi has never gone into rut even during "his" mating period.

"Observing his behaviors, we got suspicious as to whether Tsuyoshi was really a male," the zoo said in a statement.The zoo put Tsuyoshi under an anesthetic earlier in the month for a gender checkup, and learned he was a she."My first thought was we gotta split these two up," said Yoshio Yamaguchi, head of the zoo.

But gay rights protesters had other plans.

The angry, vocal protests by gays and lesbians heartbroken by the passage of Proposition 8 showed up at the zoo in full force. "We had the signs already made up and a trip to the zoo sounded fun!", said Barry Gay, spokesman for the group. "It's apparent the bears are used to the idea they can't mate and are very comfortable with each other".

A coming out party for the bears is scheduled for next month.



Mystery of Stonehenge Solved

Salisbury, England (GTN)-The mystery of Stonehenge has finally been solved.

What researchers once thought was a center for religious worship or an ancient astronomical observatory has now turned out to be something much more exciting.

New research on the Salisbury Plain in England shows that Stonehenge was the site of an ancient talent contest experts are now dubbing 'Stonehenge Idol'.

" It's now clear that the enigmatic stone circle was a huge sound stage, complete with judges table," said Richard Mehard, chief archaeologist at the site.

New radio carbon dating from human burials and around the circle indicates the contest ran from 3000 B.C. until after the stone stage was erected around 2500 B.C. "What a successful run the show had," said Dick.

"What's interesting about the contestants is when they were eliminated from the competition, they were quite literally eliminated-killed and buried right here near the stage, entombed with stone slabs carved with their standing in the competition embedded right in their skulls," he said. He then proudly displayed a smashed human skull for the cameras. "Look! This guy was first runner-up!"

Fox Television is considering the idea of filming next season's Idol here at Stonehenge.To lend authenticity and in keeping with ancient tradition, Idol lawyers are exploring whether or not it is legal to kill and bury on site at least the first few weeks of American Idol 'rejects' that are such a popular part of the show. "I think it's doable!" said one attorney.

Host Ryan Seacrest is excited about the possibility of dressing as a Druid. "We could even have a 'Stone Temple Pilots' Week!" he said.

The Mystery of Humor has also been solved at Humor-Blogs.com

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Balloon Leaves Without Deflated Jumper

(GTN)-Ballon Dysfonctionnement is French for my balloon has left without me. Well, not quite-but that's what happened in Saskatchewan, western Canada today.

Former French paratrooper Michel Fournier, 64,was hoping to shatter four World records-but that was not to be, as the capsule that was to take him aloft to a height of 130,000 feet (that's the equivalent of 130,000 common school rulers stacked end-to-end), then drop him into a 15 minute free-fall, was never attached to the balloon.

Fournier was wearing a fluorescent green pressurized suit like an astronaut on a space walk, and had entered the capsule around 2:30 a.m., breathing pure oxygen which cleanses the bloodstream and body tissues of dissolved nitrogen that might vaporize into a gas as he ascended, causing what experts call the bends-a sometimes fatal affliction.

They filled the balloon with helium from a filler truck nearby and as it began to rise, the small crowd gathered to witness the event began to cheer. Meanwhile, the Mayor of North Battleford, Julian Sadlowski proudly exclaimed, "This will put us on the map!"

"Official statements made to the press like that always seem to jinx any chance for success-ay, as the passengers of the "unsinkable" Titanic can attest," said one spectator. "This is why I voted against him-ay."

This was Fournier's third-and possibly last attempt to break the record. He has used his own money and is practically bankrupt. He asked if we could buy him an Egg McMuffin and Hash Brown prior to the launch. "I'm famished!" he pleaded.

It was a tragic accident. The man in charge of attaching the $100,000 balloon to the capsule left his post and went into the crowd to twist balloons into fun animal shapes for the kids, and had just forgotten to complete the job of securing the capsule. "The kids were cranky because of the early hour, and he thought he could help cheer them up," said one witness.

The ground around the runway was littered with the tattered remains of the high altitude balloon-and the macabre remains of balloon dogs, bears, and giraffes.

If this story has deflated your spirits...visit Humor-Blogs.com

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Memorial Day Remembrance of Greatest American Hero

(GTN)-Did you know Memorial Day was originally called 'Decoration Day'?

No-we didn't either.

Traditional observance of Memorial Day has diminished over the years.

Many Americans nowadays have forgotten the meaning and traditions of Memorial Day.

So take a moment this Memorial Day to honor our Greatest American Hero.

Happy Memorial Day from all of us At Gelotology Today!

Humor-Blogs.com celebrates Memorial day!

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Americans Having Fits With Wii Fit

Izuma Witgamo runs for his life from crazed shoppers in Fresno.
Thanks to the Nintendo Wii video game system and their popular new Wii Fit video game, Americans of all shapes and sizes are quickly shedding the pounds.

"I was so fat last week, I was E-mailing the FCC asking when they were coming out with High Definition T.V. dinners," said Barbara Lemp of Lickskillet Ohio, who has lost 32lbs. this past week. "Thank you Wii Fit!"

Barbara is not alone. Thousands around the country are dropping pounds like Presidential candidates are dropping Reverends. The problem is, it's not because of the Wii Fit game and it's cute collection of mini-games or it's ground-breaking wireless balance board that you stand on. It's because they are running around town in an attempt to find the game.

"The little bastard at Wal-Mart informed me he just got in a shipment, so I ran as fast as I could to the store, only to find them sold out when I got there," said Brighton Early of New Hope, Pa. "Same thing at Best Buy, Toys-R-Us, and Sears." He then pulled up his pant leg and proudly added, "Check out my new calf muscles!"

Penny Dollar, a woman that only 2 weeks ago weighed 132 lbs. and was so excited to be the first woman to claim the Blog name 'Wii Fit Woman', now looks hauntingly like the late Karen Carpenter, and has vowed not to eat until someone gets her a Wii Fit. She then lifted her shirt. "Here, count my ribs," she boasted.

GT News caught up with Michael Nutter, who was weight-training in advance of Game Crazy's next shipment of the elusive game. "Thursday I had my hands on the last one at Target-but was wrestled to the ground by some fanatical Yoga instructor from the valley," he said as he paused between power-squats. "She twisted me up like a pretzel...I guarantee you that's not going to happen to me on Tuesday morning," he vowed.

Izuma Witgamo was one of the lucky ones who got his hands on one of the coveted Wii Fit games. Izuma, a Jujitsu expert and computer programmer from Fresno, Ca., used a highly secretive move to constrict blood flow to his opposing shopper's brain, rendering her unconscious. "I dropped her like a bad habit," he confessed. "I then outran twelve angry customers the two miles to my condo."

We asked Izuma which Wii Fit exercise he likes best. He replied,"Oh no, I sold that puppy on Ebay for $268 dollars."

You can find humor however...on Humor-Blogs.com

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Reverends of McCain and Obama in Preach-Off

Las Vegas, Nevada (GTN)- In a battle reminiscent of 'The Thrilla in Manila', Reverends John Hagee and Jeremiah Wright went head-to-head Thursday night in the first ever 'Presidential Preach-Off' at Circus Circus in Las Vegas.

Rev Hagee (in the red boxers with white swastikas)-5'-7 1/2" and weighing in at 295 lbs., represented the presumptive Republican Presidential candidate John McCain. Rev Wright (in the black boxers with Bin Laden heads)-6'-2" and weighing 208lbs., threw down the word for Democratic Presidential hopeful Barak Obama.

"Pound for pound, Rev Hagee is as ignorant as any preacher in the ring today, but Jeremiah is eager to show the nation he still has what it takes to ruin Obama's bid for the White House," said broadcaster Jim Lampley, seated ringside prior to the bout.

"'Hags' has been training in the gym at the Democratic National Headquarters for 3 months, and he will come out preachin'," said Rev Hagee's trainer Nancy Pelosi.

"America's chickens are coming home to roost again," exclaimed Rev. Wright-as trainer Rush Limbaugh prepared the spit bucket.

Hagee was floored by a big combination from Wright in the second round, when the combatant blamed whites for supporting state terrorism and inventing the Aids virus, but the wiley Hagee picked himself off the canvas and responded with a devastating left hook to the preacher's jaw with an 8 lb. King James Version Life Application Study Bible.

"I'm delighted," Pelosi said. "We had been working on that left hook in training and it just connected perfectly.

"The challenger Hagee continued to pour on the pressure in the final round-testifying that Adolf Hitler had acted as an agent of God to cause the Holocaust to send more Jews to the Holy Land before Wright was spared further punishment by the referee.

Much to the dismay of both parties, the Preach-Off ended in a draw. "This thing is far from over!" Hillary Clinton said.

I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

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The Shocking Results of GT Teen Oral Sex Survey

(GTN)-According to a new survey conducted by the Guttmacher Institute, the perception that teens aged 15-19 frequently substitute oral sex for vaginal intercourse in order to maintain their virginity is a myth.

Slightly more than half (55%) of 15–19-year-olds have engaged in heterosexual oral sex, 50% have engaged in vaginal sex and 11% have had anal sex. However, both oral and anal sex are much more common among teens who have already had vaginal intercourse than among those who have not, suggesting that teens initiate a range of sexual activities around the same time, rather than substitute one for another, the Guttmacher Institute reports.

“There is a widespread belief that teens engage in non-vaginal forms of sex, especially oral sex, as a way to be sexually active while still claiming that technically, they are virgins,” says study author Laura Lindberg. “However, our research shows that this supposed substitution of oral sex for vaginal sex is largely a myth. There is no good evidence that teens who have not had intercourse engage in oral sex with a series of partners.”

GT News file photo of Dr. Mo Lester

GT News, in an effort to verify the veracity of the study, sent out our very own Medical Editor, Dr. Mo Lester to survey students at French Lick High School in French Lick, Indiana to get the scoop.

Dr. Lester polled students aged 15- 19 during 2nd Lunch, asking students if they had had heterosexual oral sex, and if they had, if they had engaged in vaginal or anal sex.

GT News regrets to inform our readers that the results of this survey are incomplete. Our goal was to double the amount of teens that were surveyed in the Guttmacher study.

Unknown to GT News at the time, Dr. Lester had previously been convicted as an Internet predator in 2001, and was registered as a sexual predator in the national registry, and therefor could not be on school grounds.

Chatting under the screen name of "touchytheclown63" in the summer of 1999, he was apprehended at the Hansberry Mall in Tupelo, Mississippi in an Internet sting operation.

GT News lawyers are now pouring over his application to verify his credentials.

Dr. Mo Lester, if that is his real name, is arrested shortly after beginning the GT News survey
Dr. Lester is currently awaiting his court date in the French Lick County Correctional Facility.

GT News will make every effort to complete the study, and bring you the results, after the hearing.

I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

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