5.31.2008

Mystery of Stonehenge Solved


Salisbury, England (GTN)-The mystery of Stonehenge has finally been solved.



What researchers once thought was a center for religious worship or an ancient astronomical observatory has now turned out to be something much more exciting.


New research on the Salisbury Plain in England shows that Stonehenge was the site of an ancient talent contest experts are now dubbing 'Stonehenge Idol'.


" It's now clear that the enigmatic stone circle was a huge sound stage, complete with judges table," said Richard Mehard, chief archaeologist at the site.




New radio carbon dating from human burials and around the circle indicates the contest ran from 3000 B.C. until after the stone stage was erected around 2500 B.C. "What a successful run the show had," said Dick.



"What's interesting about the contestants is when they were eliminated from the competition, they were quite literally eliminated-killed and buried right here near the stage, entombed with stone slabs carved with their standing in the competition embedded right in their skulls," he said. He then proudly displayed a smashed human skull for the cameras. "Look! This guy was first runner-up!"






Fox Television is considering the idea of filming next season's Idol here at Stonehenge.To lend authenticity and in keeping with ancient tradition, Idol lawyers are exploring whether or not it is legal to kill and bury on site at least the first few weeks of American Idol 'rejects' that are such a popular part of the show. "I think it's doable!" said one attorney.


Host Ryan Seacrest is excited about the possibility of dressing as a Druid. "We could even have a 'Stone Temple Pilots' Week!" he said.




The Mystery of Humor has also been solved at Humor-Blogs.com

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5.27.2008

Balloon Leaves Without Deflated Jumper



(GTN)-Ballon Dysfonctionnement is French for my balloon has left without me. Well, not quite-but that's what happened in Saskatchewan, western Canada today.


Former French paratrooper Michel Fournier, 64,was hoping to shatter four World records-but that was not to be, as the capsule that was to take him aloft to a height of 130,000 feet (that's the equivalent of 130,000 common school rulers stacked end-to-end), then drop him into a 15 minute free-fall, was never attached to the balloon.


Fournier was wearing a fluorescent green pressurized suit like an astronaut on a space walk, and had entered the capsule around 2:30 a.m., breathing pure oxygen which cleanses the bloodstream and body tissues of dissolved nitrogen that might vaporize into a gas as he ascended, causing what experts call the bends-a sometimes fatal affliction.


They filled the balloon with helium from a filler truck nearby and as it began to rise, the small crowd gathered to witness the event began to cheer. Meanwhile, the Mayor of North Battleford, Julian Sadlowski proudly exclaimed, "This will put us on the map!"


"Official statements made to the press like that always seem to jinx any chance for success-ay, as the passengers of the "unsinkable" Titanic can attest," said one spectator. "This is why I voted against him-ay."


This was Fournier's third-and possibly last attempt to break the record. He has used his own money and is practically bankrupt. He asked if we could buy him an Egg McMuffin and Hash Brown prior to the launch. "I'm famished!" he pleaded.


It was a tragic accident. The man in charge of attaching the $100,000 balloon to the capsule left his post and went into the crowd to twist balloons into fun animal shapes for the kids, and had just forgotten to complete the job of securing the capsule. "The kids were cranky because of the early hour, and he thought he could help cheer them up," said one witness.







The ground around the runway was littered with the tattered remains of the high altitude balloon-and the macabre remains of balloon dogs, bears, and giraffes.













If this story has deflated your spirits...visit Humor-Blogs.com

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5.26.2008

Memorial Day Remembrance of Greatest American Hero

(GTN)-Did you know Memorial Day was originally called 'Decoration Day'?

No-we didn't either.

Traditional observance of Memorial Day has diminished over the years.

Many Americans nowadays have forgotten the meaning and traditions of Memorial Day.

So take a moment this Memorial Day to honor our Greatest American Hero.




Happy Memorial Day from all of us At Gelotology Today!

Humor-Blogs.com celebrates Memorial day!

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5.24.2008

Americans Having Fits With Wii Fit

Izuma Witgamo runs for his life from crazed shoppers in Fresno.
Thanks to the Nintendo Wii video game system and their popular new Wii Fit video game, Americans of all shapes and sizes are quickly shedding the pounds.



"I was so fat last week, I was E-mailing the FCC asking when they were coming out with High Definition T.V. dinners," said Barbara Lemp of Lickskillet Ohio, who has lost 32lbs. this past week. "Thank you Wii Fit!"



Barbara is not alone. Thousands around the country are dropping pounds like Presidential candidates are dropping Reverends. The problem is, it's not because of the Wii Fit game and it's cute collection of mini-games or it's ground-breaking wireless balance board that you stand on. It's because they are running around town in an attempt to find the game.



"The little bastard at Wal-Mart informed me he just got in a shipment, so I ran as fast as I could to the store, only to find them sold out when I got there," said Brighton Early of New Hope, Pa. "Same thing at Best Buy, Toys-R-Us, and Sears." He then pulled up his pant leg and proudly added, "Check out my new calf muscles!"



Penny Dollar, a woman that only 2 weeks ago weighed 132 lbs. and was so excited to be the first woman to claim the Blog name 'Wii Fit Woman', now looks hauntingly like the late Karen Carpenter, and has vowed not to eat until someone gets her a Wii Fit. She then lifted her shirt. "Here, count my ribs," she boasted.



GT News caught up with Michael Nutter, who was weight-training in advance of Game Crazy's next shipment of the elusive game. "Thursday I had my hands on the last one at Target-but was wrestled to the ground by some fanatical Yoga instructor from the valley," he said as he paused between power-squats. "She twisted me up like a pretzel...I guarantee you that's not going to happen to me on Tuesday morning," he vowed.



Izuma Witgamo was one of the lucky ones who got his hands on one of the coveted Wii Fit games. Izuma, a Jujitsu expert and computer programmer from Fresno, Ca., used a highly secretive move to constrict blood flow to his opposing shopper's brain, rendering her unconscious. "I dropped her like a bad habit," he confessed. "I then outran twelve angry customers the two miles to my condo."



We asked Izuma which Wii Fit exercise he likes best. He replied,"Oh no, I sold that puppy on Ebay for $268 dollars."





You can find humor however...on Humor-Blogs.com

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5.23.2008

Reverends of McCain and Obama in Preach-Off






Las Vegas, Nevada (GTN)- In a battle reminiscent of 'The Thrilla in Manila', Reverends John Hagee and Jeremiah Wright went head-to-head Thursday night in the first ever 'Presidential Preach-Off' at Circus Circus in Las Vegas.

Rev Hagee (in the red boxers with white swastikas)-5'-7 1/2" and weighing in at 295 lbs., represented the presumptive Republican Presidential candidate John McCain. Rev Wright (in the black boxers with Bin Laden heads)-6'-2" and weighing 208lbs., threw down the word for Democratic Presidential hopeful Barak Obama.

"Pound for pound, Rev Hagee is as ignorant as any preacher in the ring today, but Jeremiah is eager to show the nation he still has what it takes to ruin Obama's bid for the White House," said broadcaster Jim Lampley, seated ringside prior to the bout.

"'Hags' has been training in the gym at the Democratic National Headquarters for 3 months, and he will come out preachin'," said Rev Hagee's trainer Nancy Pelosi.

"America's chickens are coming home to roost again," exclaimed Rev. Wright-as trainer Rush Limbaugh prepared the spit bucket.

Hagee was floored by a big combination from Wright in the second round, when the combatant blamed whites for supporting state terrorism and inventing the Aids virus, but the wiley Hagee picked himself off the canvas and responded with a devastating left hook to the preacher's jaw with an 8 lb. King James Version Life Application Study Bible.

"I'm delighted," Pelosi said. "We had been working on that left hook in training and it just connected perfectly.

"The challenger Hagee continued to pour on the pressure in the final round-testifying that Adolf Hitler had acted as an agent of God to cause the Holocaust to send more Jews to the Holy Land before Wright was spared further punishment by the referee.

Much to the dismay of both parties, the Preach-Off ended in a draw. "This thing is far from over!" Hillary Clinton said.


I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

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5.21.2008

The Shocking Results of GT Teen Oral Sex Survey

(GTN)-According to a new survey conducted by the Guttmacher Institute, the perception that teens aged 15-19 frequently substitute oral sex for vaginal intercourse in order to maintain their virginity is a myth.


Slightly more than half (55%) of 15–19-year-olds have engaged in heterosexual oral sex, 50% have engaged in vaginal sex and 11% have had anal sex. However, both oral and anal sex are much more common among teens who have already had vaginal intercourse than among those who have not, suggesting that teens initiate a range of sexual activities around the same time, rather than substitute one for another, the Guttmacher Institute reports.


“There is a widespread belief that teens engage in non-vaginal forms of sex, especially oral sex, as a way to be sexually active while still claiming that technically, they are virgins,” says study author Laura Lindberg. “However, our research shows that this supposed substitution of oral sex for vaginal sex is largely a myth. There is no good evidence that teens who have not had intercourse engage in oral sex with a series of partners.”

GT News file photo of Dr. Mo Lester

GT News, in an effort to verify the veracity of the study, sent out our very own Medical Editor, Dr. Mo Lester to survey students at French Lick High School in French Lick, Indiana to get the scoop.


Dr. Lester polled students aged 15- 19 during 2nd Lunch, asking students if they had had heterosexual oral sex, and if they had, if they had engaged in vaginal or anal sex.


GT News regrets to inform our readers that the results of this survey are incomplete. Our goal was to double the amount of teens that were surveyed in the Guttmacher study.


Unknown to GT News at the time, Dr. Lester had previously been convicted as an Internet predator in 2001, and was registered as a sexual predator in the national registry, and therefor could not be on school grounds.



Chatting under the screen name of "touchytheclown63" in the summer of 1999, he was apprehended at the Hansberry Mall in Tupelo, Mississippi in an Internet sting operation.


GT News lawyers are now pouring over his application to verify his credentials.


Dr. Mo Lester, if that is his real name, is arrested shortly after beginning the GT News survey
Dr. Lester is currently awaiting his court date in the French Lick County Correctional Facility.

GT News will make every effort to complete the study, and bring you the results, after the hearing.










I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

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5.20.2008

U.S. Ranked 97th on Global Peace Index

Americans are furious over their ranking in the Global Peace Index
(GT News)-Seria is a more peaceful nation than the United States of America. So is Kazakhstan, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Cuba, Libya, Nicaragua, Vietnam and South Korea.


These are the findings of the Institute for Economics and Peace as published in the Global Peace Index.


The Global Peace Index is a ground-breaking milestone in the study of peace. It is the first time that an Index has been created that ranks the nations of the world by their peacefulness and identifies some of the drivers of that peace. Experts from all fields fought like cats and dogs to decide which factors carried the most weight.


The Global Peace Index (or GPI) ranks 121 nations in 24 categories ranging from a country's military expenditure, to it's relations to neighbouring countries and the level of respect for human rights.


The United States currently ranks 97th on the GPI, down from 96th in 2007. Comparisons are difficult due to 19 new nations being added this year, eight of which are rated higher than the U.S., for an overall +7 net gain over 2007. Mexico, - 7 from last year, still outranks the U.S. in peacefulness at 93rd. I knew that plan for a border fence was a bad idea.


Topping the list of most peaceful nations is Iceland, with a population of about 300,00 people- one of which is currently in jail. Iceland is a new country on the GPI's list. Ironically, Iceland's government approved on Monday the commercial hunting of whales this year, a move that drew quick criticism from conservationists. "They're friggin' whale killers!," said a GT News government source in Denmark, who is second on the list. It makes you wonder where they would be on the list if it had come out in the winter, when there is only four hours of sunlight per day.


Iceland is home to the Icelandic Phallological Museum and it's collection of penises. It is unclear at this time whether this was a determining factor by the Institute.


The GPI ranks countries in numerous categories such as internal and external peace, with internal peace comprising 60% of the score to 40% for external peace. Clearly, charity begins at home. Scores for each category range from 1 being the best score, to 5, the worst score a country can receive.


China-a country that doesn't give one a warm, fuzzy feeling and is criticized for it's human rights record, ranks 67th with a score of 1.981. Compare that to the United States- 97th with a score of 2.227, and you begin to get an idea of how other countries view Americans.


President Bush looked like he was ready to kill someone when handed the list. When the President was informed it was an Aussie who founded the organization he said, "Australia, when I'm finished with Iraq-your next".


War-torn Iraq finished last on the list of peaceful nations with a score of 3.514.
I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

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5.19.2008

Want To Go Green? - Get Lean

by Dave-Editor of Gelotology Today


Do overweight people contribute to global warming? Are the obese responsible for the increasingly worrying world food crisis? Do fat people smell? According to a team from the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine-or just in my opinion, yes.


"The obesity epidemic arose with the gradual weight gain of the population," explains Professor James Hill, Professor of Pediatrics and Director of the Clinical Research Unit at the University of Colorado's Center for Nutrition. "The average American adult gains about 1.8 to 2 lbs. of weight a year, which equates to 18-20 pounds over a decade. The first step in addressing the obesity epidemic is stopping this gradual weight gain".


Obese individuals, due to the fact that they eat more, and tend to eat with their mouths open thus swallowing more air, fart more than the average. The average person produces about half a liter of fart gas a day, distributed over an average of about fourteen farts a day. Some farts contain methane, a dangerous greenhouse gas. More dangerous than CO2, this gas allows sunlight to enter the atmosphere freely. When sunlight strikes the Earth’s surface, some of it is reflected back towards space as infrared radiation (heat). Greenhouse gases absorb this infrared radiation and trap the heat in the atmosphere. A solution to this growing environmental crisis is for overweight people to wear fartypants, available by clicking the link here.


Fat people walk less, and drive more. According to researchers at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and Virginia Commonwealth University, Americans are now pumping 938 million more gallons of fuel annually than they were in 1960 as a result of extra weight in vehicles. And when gas prices average $3.77 a gallon, the tab for overweight people in a vehicle amounts to over $8 million a day. In the journal The Engineering Economist, scientists concluded that each extra pound of body weight in all of today’s vehicles results in the need for more than 39 million gallons of extra gasoline each year. Tell all these gas-asses to take a walk or at least visit America on the Move located here.



Obese individuals consume on average 20 percent more calories than those of normal weight. America, long considered the world's breadbasket, is now implementing food rationing. Major retailers in New York, New England, and on the West Coast are limiting purchases of flour, rice, and cooking oil as demand outstrips supply. At some Costco Warehouses, shoppers grew frustrated and occasionally uttered expletives as they searched in vain for the large sacks of rice they usually buy. "Due to the limited availability of rice, we are limiting rice purchases based on your prior purchasing history," a sign above the dwindling supply said. I recently visited Costco.com and couldn't find any food available.


In 2003, Red Lobster fired CEO Edna Morris and lost millions due an "endless crablegs" promotion. They had grossly underestimated how many pounds of crab legs Americans can eat in one sitting.


All tolled, this adds up to a major environmental crisis. So while you're installing those solar panels on the roof or buying that new hybrid car, think about that second helping at dinner or that sweet snack at midnight-and for the sake of all of us on this precious, blue ball we call Earth...buy a few pairs of Fartypants.




I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

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5.18.2008

Hillary Goes Obamacidal



EUGENE, Ore. (GTN)-Hillary has finally lost it. No, it's not the Democratic Primary, but her mind.

Sen. Hillary Clinton emerged from the crowd in which Sen. Barak Obama was giving a campaign speech in Oregon Saturday wielding a knife-a very large Butcher's knife-assuring Sen. Barak Obama that this race is far from over.

"The bitch has lost her freakin' mind," Obama said after the freakish incident.

Obama has built a solid lead in Democratic National Convention delegates over Clinton, and is working overtime to cast an image of inevitability to his campaign for the nomination. In recent days, he has spent more time focused on his differences with certain Republican nominee John McCain than sparring with Clinton, which may have prompted her bizarre behavior.

Obama, apparently unfazed said, "She went on and on about West Virginia. I couldn't understand her. Who the hell cares about West Virginia?"



Senator John Kerry, who was backstage after the fracas-and openly wept for his beloved Democratic Party said, "Hillary has been a fighter who has overcome adversity again and again with courage, grit, and determination...but she's nuttier than my wife."



After recovering from multiple tranquilizer darts fired into her neck by Obama's security detail, Hillary mumbled, "Is it over? Did I win the nomination? Did they count Florida? The last thing I remember, I was pinned down by sniper fire and.."

She was then redarted.

"She doesn't scare me. She is going to keep calling me the same names, making the same cheap shots, using the same fear tactics she's used for the last four months. I had crazier bitches tryin' to crash me when I was doin' blow," said Obama.

Obama then grabbed the dart gun from his security and quickly dosed himself. "Aah, that's wat's up," Obama said as he was whisked away.





I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

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5.17.2008

Giambi's Magical Thong

GT News rendering of thong Giambi wears for good luck.
BY MARK FEINSAND, CHRISTINA BOYLE and CORKY SIEMASZKO DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITERS
Saturday, May 17th 2008, 2:11 AM
Cataffo/News Jason Giambi wears a gold thong when he's trying to break out of a slump.

The key to turning the Yankees season around could be under Jason Giambi's pinstriped pants. The Yankee slugger revealed Friday he slips on a gold lamé thong with a flame-line waistband when he's trying to get out of a hitting slump - and he's shared it with his teammates.

"It works every time," Giambi told the Daily News after his secret was outed on Portfolio.com. Derek Jeter agreed that Giambi's thong works, although "it's so uncomfortable running around the bases."

"I had it over my shorts and stuff," he said. "I was 0-for-32 and I hit a homer on the first pitch. That's the only time I've ever worn it."

Johnny Damon also admitted donning the golden panties "probably three times." "I may need to wear it again soon," said Damon, who is batting a mediocre .255.

What is the secret of Giambi's golden thong?

"You're not worrying about your hands or your balance at the plate," Damon said. "You're worried about the uncomfortable feeling you're receiving."

In the earlier interview with Portfolio.com, Giambi claimed he also hung his thong in the lockers of teammates Bernie Williams, Robin Ventura and Robinson Cano when they had trouble generating runs.

"I only put it on when I'm desperate to get out of a big slump," Giambi said.

The News showed its support for the sagging Yankees by delivering 26 golden thongs to the clubhouse - one for every player on the team and manager Joe Girardi. Damon accepted his with a smile, saying, "I will definitely wear it if I can."

The Yanks need something - they scored just six runs so far this week and are mired in the cellar despite having the biggest payroll in baseball.

Giambi - whose 2008 salary, $23.4 million, is the second highest in the majors - is struggling. He's hitting .181 with 7 homers and just 20 RBI.

While Giambi's silky secret may come as a shock to his fans, it wasn't news to his teammates.
"Whoever is on slumps, puts it on," catcher Jorge Posada admitted yesterday. "I don't know if it works. I haven't worn it yet."

Posada added that "a lot of players have worn it," but he didn't name names. Asked if the thong got washed between wearings, he gave a cringe-worthy answer. "Ask Jason," said Posada. "Jason is a little strange."

Yankee outfielder Bobby Abreu recoiled and threw his arms up in the air when a reporter waved a variation of Giambi's shiny underwear in his face.

"I don't know anything about that," Abreu insisted, though his bulging eyes said otherwise.
The question that appeared to get Abreu's boxers in a bunch made Mets catcher Brian Schneider chuckle before last night's Subway Series opener was rained out.

"There's no thongs being passed around the Mets," Schneider said. "Everybody's got their own lucky charm."

Giambi said the thong gets washed between wearings and he's had it since 1996, when he played for the Oakland Athletics. He said the company that provided him with undergarments made it for him as a joke - and he's been sharing the joke with his teammates ever since. The lucky undies were hanging in his locker yesterday.

"You've got to come and ask for it," he said. "That's the way it works."

Giambi's performance-enhancing trick ranks as one of the flashiest in a sport rife with superstitions, but the 37-year-old slugger is probably not the first ballplayer to boost his game by wearing offbeat undergarments.

Baseball lore is rife with stories about superstitious players wearing lucky boxers, or lucky T-shirts, or lucky socks - over and over again.

In the movie "Bull Durham," up-and-coming pitcher Nuke LaLoosh (played by Tim Robbins) was talked into wearing a black garter belt. That way, LaLoosh explained, he can "keep one side of my brain occupied when I'm on the mound, thus keeping the other side slightly off-center, which is where it should be for artists and players."

In the Portfolio.com interview, Giambi didn't explain his thinking behind the thong, but then that's not his style. The hard-partying, heavy-metal-loving, strip-joint-frequenting, Penthouse-reading Giambi said he is a Yankee cut from the Mickey Mantle mold.

Giambi bragged that his teammates called him a "modern-day Mick because I could play all day and party all night."
I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

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5.16.2008

Icelandic Museum of Penis Growing

Sigurdur Hjartarson, on the museum's dictation equipment.



Husavik, Iceland (GTN)-There is one specimen that Sigurdur Hjartarson would love to add to his Icelandic Phallological Museum. "It's been the hardest penis to get my hands on," Hjartarson said.





But if one of four men get their way, Sigurdur will get what he's looking for-a man's penis.


An Icelander, a German, a Brit, and an American would love to become a lifelong member of his museum when they die. They have all pledged their manhood to the museum.


The American, Stan Underwood, 52, has written a letter to Sigurdur describing his penis-which he has nick-named "Elmo", and would donate his penis after his death, provided it is not harvested here in the states (he has a donor symbol on his state driver's licence).


Hjartarson said the Icelandic donor, a 93-year-old from nearby Akureyri, was a womanizer in his youth who thought having his penis in the collection might bring him eternal fame. But Hjartarson would like to have a specimen that looks more human, and is less well known in the area. More than 60% of his visitors are women.


He has received specimens from fishermen, hunters and scientists, and if not required to be kept in glass jars of formaldehyde, he'll mount them for all his visitors to enjoy.

What started out as a hobby in the mid seventies with a single bull penis has grown to over 250 penises from 90 different species.


The museum, originally opened in Reykjavik in 1977, has now been erected in the fishing village of Husavik, 300 miles northeast of the capital.


Hjartarson says he never pays for penises, with the exception of an elephant penis nearly 1 meter long that hangs, stuffed and mounted on a wooden board, in the museum's "Size Does Matter" section. Other sections include the "Hanging Gardens", "Our Phallic Overlords", and the rapidly growing "please touch" section.


Hjartarson is always looking for new members and is cocksure the museum will be a success. "I hope visitors leave the museum in a better mood than when they arrived," he said.











I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

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5.15.2008

Mississipi Teacher Gives Students Strange Assignment

Mississippi (GTN)-A sixth-grade science teacher at a Jackson, Mississippi Middle School could face disciplinary action for forcing a class to list the students most likely to die before 19, most likely to get the aids virus, and most likely to get pregnant before they graduate from high school.
Brucilla Willis, in her EHarmony photo, in which she describes herself as a dudishly sexy educator. The Teacher , Ms. Brucilla Willis (pictured left), told the students to fill out a paper with questions such as who in the class is most likely to contract AIDS/HIV, go to jail and be poor, one of the student's parent said.

Jackson Public Schools apologized to students and parents Wednesday, saying an "inexperienced teacher" used "poor professional judgment."


"The district shares the concern of the parents and students and extends an apology to those who were subjected to this experience. In an effort to address this matter with the teacher and to express our displeasure regarding this act, we have recommended disciplinary action," JPS said in a news release.

School officials said they approved the lesson plan but did not approve the assignment. The school in Jackson serves students in grades 6-8.

One student's parent said the class of about 19 students did not want to do the assignment, but the die-hard teacher insisted. After the students gave the teacher the answers, she tallied the totals and put them on the wall, he said.

The parent said his daughter was listed as the fifth most likely to become pregnant in high school. "That's when they began to make fun of each other," he said. "This is just ignorant. It shows that not only is there a need to educate our students, but we need to better educate our teachers." He added,"I've always taught her to be number one, so she's really confused."

He said it was not clear if the assignment was meant to motivate students to do better or if it was meant as a joke. He said the assignment could negatively impact the students' performance on the Mississippi Curriculum Test, which began Tuesday.

GT News has obtained the complete assignment and photos of the students traumatized by this exam. Shown are a few examples:




Little Johnny Denver, voted by classmates to be the first to work in a chocolate factory.
















Caitlin Upshaw squeaked out Amy Lippincott for most likely to hold her man captive with duct tape.


















Patrick Hitchcock was voted first in class to get the rare avian influenza.













Poor Adolfo Gonzalos elected most likely to join the circus.

















Chuck Jaeger. According to his classmates-most likely to snap a bungee cord.

















Carrie (Scary Carrie) Elkington was voted first girl in her class to be
mocked at the Junior Prom















Norbert Lumpkin-most likely to get beat up right after class.




Stay tuned to GT News for more on this developing story.




I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

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Edwards and Elmo Endorse Obama



GT News World Exclusive


Washington (GTN) -Former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards and beloved Sesame Street character Elmo both endorsed Sen. Barack Obama on Wednesday at a campaign event in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Presidential candidate John Edwards and Elmo with their last minute endorsement of Barack Obama in Michigan
"The reason We're here tonight is because the Democratic voters have made their choice, and so have we," Edwards told the boisterous crowd.

"Hello everybody!," added Elmo.

"There is one man who knows and understands that this is a time for bold leadership. Obviously, this is not me. I've kept silent until I was sure Hillary Clinton could not win! There is one man that knows how to create the change, the lasting change, that you have to build from the ground up, and surely this is not me. I am a spineless jellyfish!" Edwards said. "There is one man who knows in his heart there is time to create one America, not two ... and that man is um... Barack Obama."

Then to a roaring crowd Elmo said, "Barack Obama...Elmo loves you!"

"What she has shown ... is strength and character, and what drives her is something that no man in this room could possibly understand. Admit it. There is no man in this room that would have stayed in this race as long as Hillary." Edwards said. "She is a woman who, in my judgment, has balls of steel, and she's a leader in this country not because of her husband but because of what she is-and that is...frightening. Please don't hurt me Hillary! I was pressured into this by party leaders"

The Count, a caped, purple vampire-looking figure, also from Sesame Street, who oddly looks like the presidential hopeful, got the crowd going from the front row with a thunderous "How many delegates has Obama won?...let me count them...ONE!... one delegate!...TWO!...two delegates!" He was cut short at 137.

Edwards said that when the nomination battle is over, "and it will be over soon, brothers and sisters ... we must come together as Muppets as well as Democrats."

On the big screen behind the trio was shown Ernie and Bert, from the bedroom they share on Sesame street.

The scene-Ernie and Bert, clad in pajamas and donning their familiar nightcaps-Both in their monogrammed beds, Ernie sitting up and Bert trying to sleep as usual. "Hey...um Bert....Bert...are you awake?" "I am now Ernie what is it?" "Um Bert...I was just thinking...Hillary Clinton is a mean meanie...". "Yes Ernie, she is...now go to sleep". "...and Bert..." "Yes Ernie". " You know what I was also thinking Bert?" "No Ernie, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING! We have been sleeping together for thirty some odd years Ernie, and I still don't know what you are thinking. PLEASE GO TO SLEEP!" "I was thinking, Bert, that I am going to stick it to that Hillary Clinton and support Senator Barack Obama Bert" "Ok Ernie can we please go to sleep NOW?"... "Ok Bert"..............."Um Bert, is Obama anti-gay?" "AARRGHH!"

"I am so grateful ... for John Edwards and this....um...Elmo......I don't know his last name...to come to Michigan tonight. ... I'm grateful for their support ... but more importantly, I want to thank John for everything that he has already done to make us one America, and all his white middle-class voters" Obama said.

After the announcement, Republican National Committee Chairman Robert Duncan released a statement asking, "Why didn't Edwards and Elmo endorse sooner?" "Edwards' endorsement of a candidate he previously blasted as inexperienced, hypocritical and lacking substance will not help get him the Vice Presidential nod, and anyone with half a brain knows Elmo's girlfriend Zoe supports Hillary," he said.

Clinton campaign Chairman Terry McAuliffe said Wednesday that "We respect John Edwards, and Elmo is adorable but as the voters of West Virginia showed last night, this thing is far from over."




I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

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5.14.2008

MoD Realeases British UFO Files

Mary Malouf Teabaggy's alien companion's remains, showing tooth decay

Top-secret UFO files have been released to the public by the British Ministry of Defense in response to the nation's continuing freedom of information requests and Brits fascination with the UFO subject. The files, 160 in total, will take three years to be released.


The MoD has received reports of over 10,000 UFO sightings since the UFO project was set up in 1950.


One celebrated event- as reported by Mary Malouf Teabaggy of 4 Twatt, Orkney describes her 2 year relationship with an alien from Zeta Reticuli- a wide-binary system located around 39.4 light-years from Earth.


"I was just putting on the kettle for tea when out the window I saw this strange looking chap smelling my Madam "Poppy" Pomfreys in the the garden." said Mary


"Well, as anyone on Twat knows, nobody messes with my Madam "Poppy" Pomfreys!"


"I was cheesed off as you can imagine, so I come running out into the garden and tripped on the stoop-going arse over elbow into the Moaning Myrtles, knocking myself unconience ."


"When I awoke, I was on the kitchen floor and the bloody thing was hovering over me-healing my broken hip." she exclaimed.


"I thought I'd gone barmy! I had no choice but to offer the stranger tea and crumpets-with orange marmalade, and Bob's your uncle!"


"Boy that alien thought orange marmalade was the dog's bollocks! I couldn't keep enough of it in. It made him blow off like you can't imagine," she said.


"He stayed with me for two years," she said. Then in reflection added,"Do you know the little guy didn't have any front bits?" "So of course there was no rumpy pumpy... My pussy didn't like him at all. She'd hiss and scat behind the settee every time she saw him." she said.


"Eventually, his health went to shambles and his teeth started to fall out and he died-so I just buried him in the garden, next to the Madam "Poppy" Pomfreys of course." she said.


When the MoD made the announcement to go public with the reports, she dug up the remains- showing for the first time the skull of her other-worldly companion.









I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

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