French Daily Reports Usama bin Laden Dead

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Usama bin Laden is dead.

That is the claim of The daily L”est Republicain, a French newspaper, citing a French secret service report, that Saudi Arabia was convinced bin Laden died of typhoid in Pakistan in late August.

The daily quoted “usually reliable sources” (most likely Saudi Arabian) that Usama bin Laden had died of typhoid fever, and French authorities are investigating the bin Laden ‘death’ leak.

French President Jacques Chirac said on Saturday he would investigate the source of the leak of the confidential French defense ministry documents, and stressed the report had been in no way confirmed.

“I was rather surprised to see that a confidential note from the DGSE (General Directorate for External Security) was published and I have asked the minister of Defense to start an investigation immediately and to reach whatever conclusions are necessary,” Chirac said.

Typhoid fever is a life-threatening illness caused by the bacterium Salmonella Typhi. In the United States about 400 cases occur each year, and 75% of these are acquired while traveling internationally. Typhoid fever is still common in the developing world, where it affects about 21.5 million persons each year.

In a videotaped message airing on the Arabic-language television network Al Jazeera today, second in command Ayman al-Zawahiri cautioned all Mujahedeen fighters across the Middle-East and in particular the mountainous regions surrounding the Afganistan-Pakistan border, to take precautions to prevent the spread the deadly bacterium.

GT has obtained a written transcript of the al-Zawahiri message:
'In the name of God, praise be to God, and praise and blessings be upon the Messenger of God, his family, his Companions, and all those who follow him. I want to reassure you about our situation. The fall has started hot with operations escalating in Afghanistan. The enemy struck a blow against us with this so called Typhoid fever. The Infidels will not succeed in this effort, God willing.

My brothers in this struggle, I have Googled 'Typhoid fever', and compiled a list of precautions that can be taken to save you from this martydom, praise Allah.

First, for those fighters in the caves of the White Mountains: this Crusader Fever, as we call it, can be ingested from sewage contaminated foodstuffs. You must not, I repeat NOT, evacuate near your food and water supply. I can not stress this enough my brothers. Set up one cave for evacuating both your solid and liquid wastes, and one cave for your food and water. This is important, praise Allah.

Second, to those freedom fighters in Tora Bora and elsewhere, may God bless you and grant you superiority over the idolatrous infidels. But heed my warning to you.

Good Muslims with this fever carry the bacteria in their bloodstream and intestinal tract. In addition, a small number of followers of the Prophet, called 'Carriers' , recover from this Crusader Fever but continue to carry the bacteria. Both ill fighters that are striken or the Holy Carriers of this plague by the idolatrous infidels, traitorous apostates, and those turncoat deviants, shed this abomination in their feces.

A victory in Islam will never take place until all freedom fighters wash there hands after evacuating. To this end, I am sending out liquid hand sanitizer to all fighters on the Peninsula, it dries quickly and leaves no sticky residue, and kills 99.99% of the germs that cause this Crusader curse. Praise be to Him!

This is my opinion, which I do not preach as infallibile, but I have reviewed the top 50 returns on Google search engine and I am sure this will aid in our victory. We ask God that He send down his victory upon us that he promised to his faithful worshipers.'