U.S. Population to Hit 300 Million Tuesday

The U.S. Census Bureau today reported that the nation's population will reach the historic milestone of 300 million on Oct. 17 at about 7:46 a.m. (EDT). This comes almost 39 years after the 200 million mark was reached on Nov. 20, 1967.

The estimate is based on the expectation that the United States will register one birth every seven seconds and one death every 13 seconds between now and Oct. 17, while net international migration is expected to add one person every 31 seconds. The result is an increase in the total population of one person every 11 seconds

Gelotology Today Editor Dave adds: What haunts me is not food shortages from overpopulation, but rather the fact that the more people we have in the country, the closer we have to live to these freaks. Take for example, these "people", all vying to get famous from America's 300 millionth citizen.

Cooter and Hattie Farnsworth are expecting any day now, but Cooter has a plan. "I'm gonna make 'er work the hub cap farm in the front yard all mornin' Tuesday til she gives up dat baby! I'll gits me a 300 billion baby," Cooter said. Hattie quickly corrected him, "it's 300 Million you piece of crap, now gits me another berr."

We asked Cooter if Hattie was always a nagger.

"Naw, she's a little ol' white gal, but the last youngen' she had was a nagger. That's why I wants me one dem dayvorces."

We found this cute little whip outside the U.N building in New York on Saturday. Abdur Rahman, a 7-year-old from war torn Beruit, Lebanon, will become a U.S. citizen Tuesday morning. "God willing, I will become the 300 millionth citizen of this land of the great Satan," he said in that innocent, child-like manner. " Then I will strike like a theif in the night, sending the population back down to 200 million, when the Infidels feel the power of the true believers of the Prophet!" Aw, isn't he just the cutest thing you ever seen? Good Luck Abby!

Janet Werner, 31, of Oklahoma City, was discovered as we surfed the online auction site, ebay. She's taking bids all week for advertising space on her huge stomach. "Think of the exposure your company will receive when your ad is placed on the belly of the mother of our nation's 300 millionth person!" Janet said. We asked the soon-to-be-mom how she's so sure she'll gain the title. "At exactly 7:46 am, on my webcam at www.300m-baby.com/csection/webcam, I'm going to give myself a C-Section LIVE!" EDITOR: Maybe we should have told her about the time difference. ;)

"How this little fetus knows he's got 2 days to go is astounding!" That's what Dr. Chatam Patel told us at the ultrsound exam we attended at St. Mary Medical Center in Newtown, Pa. "I think we may have the country's 300 millionth citizen," he proclaimed, "or he's a tree-hugging liberal, we're just not 100% sure right now." Regardless, the Hospital is planning a big celebration. "We've ordered 300 million mylar balloons, so let's keep our fingers crossed." EDITOR: We will Dr. Chatam, we will.

In the years since the first "test tube baby" was born in 1978, physicians and scientists from RTY Hospital have been working to develop a viable technique for the successful impregnation of male individuals. Illustrated to the left is a photo taken this weekend of Edward Studman III, the first human subject to attempt this procedure, which shows the healthy fetus developing in his abdominal cavity. What better way for the first man ever to have a baby, than to have the 300 millionth.

"Men, as they grow older," Dr. Wilson observed playfully, "have already learned to cope with a steadily expanding waistline. Granted, well, this is a bit different." GT asked Ed if he was excited about the landmark birth. "My back aches, I've got bad acne, and my feet have swollen to a size 17, so what do you think?"

EDITOR: This one we just threw in as a joke!