Court Settles Fecal Matter

A Chicago man on trial for drug charges said sorry for spreading his feces around the courtroom. He had been found guilty previously with the importation of a controlled substance, cocaine (no, feces is not a controlled substance, although I think it should be), and two other charges.

The suspect, who took matters into his own hands, is 28, and was sentenced to more than 10 years in prison.

"Im going to take full responsibility for everything I did in Duluth," he told the court. "I want to apologize for everything I did in court. I'm sorry, your Honor... and by the way, you missed a spot," he said, pointing; "right there, on your left cheek."

His lawyer said defending the man, "...has been a real crap-shoot."

He requested that the Judge place him on probation; the judged ruled against the defendant on the drug charges, but wiped the slate clean on the feces charges. "I think everyone was hoping the Judge would throw out that evidence," his attorney said, still clutching a Lysol wipe.

The suspect's mother was in attendance, dutifully providing everyone in the courtroom the wipes from her handbag. "You should've seen what he did when I told him he had to move out of my house," she said. "I'm still disinfecting."

For her generosity, the Mayor erected a statue outside the courthouse in her honor. The work is entitled, "The Lysol Lady."