Get the "Scoop on Poop" and Take the GT News Quiz

Would you give a crap if I told you there's an exhibit, co-created by Chad Peeling, called "The Scoop on Poop" at the Miami Zoo, and that it may be coming to a city near you?

Would you take a crap if I told you it was an educational exhibit showing pictures of animals taking dumps--and it's suitable for the whole family?

Would you say I'm full of crap if I created a poo test just for you?

Well I made! And here it is. So take a squat and let 'er rip!

Post your answers... and don't forget to wash your hands after you finish!

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1. This fossilized feces is actually called a coprolite or fecal pellet. Most do not exceed 4 cm or about 1.5 inches in length. Get this one right and you really know your shit.
A. It's from a Velociraptor's ass
B. It's definitely shark shit
C. A pterodactyl let this one fly
D. I don't give a crap







2. Can you kooky kids catagorize this crazy crustacean crap correctly?
A. I think it's crawdad crud. Definitely crawdad crud.
B. I've seen this before at my local Red Lobster restaurant. It's lobster crap for sure.
C. Holy hermit crap Batman! It's hermit crab crap!
D. You're a sick man.








3. Does a bear shit in the woods? Sure it does, and as evidenced by this mess, so does this woodland creature.
A. Elementary, my dear Watson. It's deer droppings.
B. That's possum poo. I'd recognize it anywhere.
C. I'm a wildlife rehabilitator, and I'm positive that's squirrel poop.
D. You're lower than snake shit. I'm outta here!








4. This one is hard (at least it won't stick to your shoe).
A. I went to college at the University of Houston, fool. That's cougar crap! Go Cougars!
B. Call me odd, but I have a funny feeling that came out of a wombat anus.
C. The color and texture are a dead giveaway! It's dog crap!
D. You're full of shit, that's fake poo!








5. This animal had a really big meal recently, then had to scat. Name it.
A. I'm not shitting you. That's racoon shit.
B. The moose is loose! But his stool isn't. It's actually quite firm.
C. Everything will come out OK if that's Armadillo excrement.
D. This shit is for the birds. Later.











6. If you've come this far, you're as sick as I am, or you really like this crap.
A. I can practically taste this one! That was left by a lemur.
B. Don't badger me, and don't badger poop me either.
C. Caribou poo. How do you do do?
D. I'm tired of all your crap.










7. The color alone should give you the drop on these droppings.
A. Easy. Giant panda poo!
B. Sheesh... that's Sloth shit if ever was a shit.
C. You sack of sheep shit, it's sheep shit. Say that thrice!
D. You're a chicken shit and I'm going to kick the crap outta you!









8. Stick your neck out and guess what animal left this mess.
A. I see. It's sea turtle turds.
B. I was a camel jockey back in Saudi Arabia, and I know camel crud when I see it.
C. I could be wrong, but that looks a lot like giraffe shit.
D. This crap is a real pain in the neck.








9. In some places, this shit is actually a delicacy.
A. Yum, that's alligator crap!
B. You're batty! Thats a big plate of bat guano.
C. I'll pass on the baboon poo poo platter!
D. That's General Tso's Chicken you shithead!

Halloween Haunts at McDonald's Drive-Thru Sends Reporter McRunning

Halloween time is upon us; the Eve of All Hallows, also known by Pagan Celts and Wiccans as 'Samhain' (pronounced, 'Sow'-an'). It's the season for witches and goblins, ghouls and ghosts. A time for tricks and treats, and drive-thru windows that go bump in the night.

That's the claim of patrons at a McDonald's drive thru window in Lawrence, Kansas.

The macabre reports include strange, incomprehensible voices coming from the drive thru menu speaker, bags of fast-food, that when taken home, are not even close to what you originally ordered, incorrect change being given to patrons, and reports of missing time experienced by customers in the drive thru while waiting to be served.

In the parking lot of the McDonald's, we met paranormal researcher Agnes Bumgartner--a full figured woman in her 60's, with jet-black hair, less a shock of white hair down the center, clad from head to toe in black, and wearing more silver jewelry on her body than the restaurant has McNuggets. Agnes thinks she may know the cause of the not-so-happy meals.

"Ten years ago this month, Susan Hargrave sent her husband Matthew, to this very McDonald's drive thru to pick her up a Big Mac and a large coffee. She told her husband to make sure to order it with no pickles and no onions. When he returned with the sandwich, she discovered it did in fact have pickles and onions, and in a fit of rage, she murdered him. Police found his lifeless body covered in blood and special sauce, and a McDonald's coffee stirrer embedded in his skull," Agnes said. "It was a horrifyingly gruesome crime scene; forensics had a hard time distinguishing what was Matt, and what was Mac. Susan was later found not guilty by reason of insanity, and took her own life one week later. According to officials at the psychiatric hospital where she was committed, the only thing Susan ever said was, 'no pickles and no onions'."

GT News asked customers exiting the drive thru if they were familiar with the recent haunting, and if they sensed anything out of the ordinary.

"I haven't heard anything about it, but now that you mention it, these french fries are ice cold," said David Goode, holding up a limp fry. Agnes, the full time ghost hunter who was in attendance, quickly added, "Sudden temperature fluctuations are a common occurrence of paranormal activity, so it doesn't surprise me at all." Mr. Goode quickly sped away.

Marge McCurdy, 81, of nearby Kanwaka, was as white as a sheet, and nearly ran us over, as we flagged her down. "Look at this garden salad," she screamed. Clearly spelled out in cheddar cheese, atop the lettuce, were the words 'Rest in Peace'. McCurdy left the scene without taking back the salad. Our GT News photographer Brad, removed the cheese and ate the greens for lunch, and besides a little indigestion, suffered no ill effects. When asked if he was afraid of the cheddar cheese, and therefore removed it, he replied, "No, I'm just lactose intolerant."

We took our expert, Agnes Bumgartner, along the drive thru route with us, and we witnessed what parapsychologists refer to as a 'psychic cleansing', which is a less ritualized form of exorcism, whereby a dwelling or site is purified and malevolent influences are banished through prayers spoken as the petitioner moves through the area.

A chill ran down the spines of the entire GT News crew as Bumgardner, in an attempt to contact the spirit of Susan Hargrave, and calling on the powers of psychometric healing and telekinesis that are ascribed to the chakras in her hands, ordered the meal Susan never got a chance to eat on this physical plane: a Big Mac with 'no pickles and no onions', and a large coffee. Brad and I were starving and added a #3 with a diet coke, a filet-o-fish with extra tartar, and a large Hi-C. We kept our fingers crossed as the otherworldly voice on the other end directed us to the second drive thru window. I nearly McPeed my pants when our food order totaled $13.13, which is also the street address of the restaurant.

Agnes' eyes were now rolling into the back of her head, her chanting almost too much to bear as we approached window number three to pick up the order. I tried to answer when the employee asked, "salt, pepper, ketchup?" but the words would not form. I was now wishing I had never volunteered to cover this story.

I screamed in horror as Agnes removed the Big Mac from the bag, slowly unwrapped the sandwich, and two pickles fell into the psychic's lap. The drink carrier Brad was holding then gave way, sending hot coffee, diet coke and orange drink throughout the interior of the van.

Agnes suddenly became a woman possessed. She repeated the mantra spoken ten years prior by the homicidal Susan Hargrave; "no pickles and no onions, no pickles and no onions."

She then raised the Big Mac in one hand and the coffee stirrer in the other, and like a scene out the movie Psycho, attacked Brad with a ferociousness that would have made the Hamburglar cry for his mommy. Agnes screamed out in pain as I, acting on instinct alone, smeared tartar sauce in her eyes, temporarily blinding the malign entity, and buying us enough time for Brad to push the possessed psychic out of the van. She fell with a thud to the asphalt as Brad stepped on the accelerator, leaving the possessed woman and the haunted Mcdonald's in the rear-view mirror. The two small napkins included in the bag were barely enough to clean the secret sauce off of Brad's face so he could drive us to safety.

We never found out what happened next, and frankly we don't care. From now on, when I visit a McDonald's, I'm eating it in the Mcdining room provided.

Passengers Without Toilets on Cruise Ship That Has Nowhere to Go

Around 1,450 passengers on a luxury cruise ship have been left without toilets for three days, according to panic-stricken passengers on board.

A series of blockages in the plumbing system is said to have led to "mayhem" on board "Drop Anchor" cruise ship.

Tour operator Hugo Deficate' admitted that there have been problems with the vacuum system of the toilets, confessing they sometimes work in reverse, launching human waste in all directions. The Company who owns the Drop Anchor said it was bringing in a team of "super-technicians", in full protective suits, to fix the system overnight.

A spokeswoman said: "We've already lost 3 crew members and 11 passengers due to slip and fall accidents. We're collecting samples as we speak for insurance purposes, and we hope to identify the parties responsible and have them thrown in the can."

She was unable to confirm how long the toilets had been out of action; the passenger's bloated abdomens and bulging eyeballs belied the assumption it occurred recently.

The huge 11-deck ship is on a seven-day voyage around the Canary Islands and Morocco. The ship is having difficulties getting permission to dock, and rightfully so. We could smell the ship up to 2 nautical miles away, depending on wind conditions and ocean currents.

One couple, Tom and Di Ahrea, from West Yorkshire, boarded the doomed liner as a birthday treat. What they got was anything but a pleasant surprise. "Everywhere you look, there's a reminder of just how bad it has gotten onboard."

Mrs. Ahrea, 51, said,"I'm not holding it in any longer! The ship has been without toilets for three days and hot water for at least 24 hours." In the company's defense GT found plenty of delicious food at the six buffet tables scattered throughout the vessel.

Di said that she and her husband had planned to swim in the Olympic-sized swimming pool today, provided it was not being emptied and disinfected again.

The tension onboard the ship was palpable; we passed by ballrooms filled with passengers in a horrifying mock dance, that if you didn't know any better, would look like any other dance floor, onboard any other cruise ship. The passengers on the Drop Anchor, which is filled to capacity, planned a protest meeting for later on in the day, provided they can find a safe place.

Mr. Ahrea's 60th birthday has been ruined by the plumbing faults, she added. The only bright spot, if you can call it that, is that her husband has a bladder control problem, so fortunately, they brought Depends Adult Undergarments onboard, but he's using them at an alarming rate, and they fear if other passengers catch wind of them, their cabin will be looted. She then mentally broke down as she caught herself mid-sentence, excusing herself from the interview to use the ladies room. "I'm going crazy...this is like that movie, The Perfect Storm, only instead of a hurricane, it's a 'shit storm'. Wait until they hear from our attorney, then the shit is really going to hit the fan," she said.

The Drop Anchor is the largest ship in the fleet, with two swimming pools, six restaurants, three bars, and unfortunately, 737 unusable toilets and 1450 malodorous, and soon to be mutinous, passengers.

We asked the Captain why he hasn't given the order to evacuate. "Are you kidding me?"

We wish to thank our sponsors Charmin, Lysol, Atlas Medical Supply and the brave men and women of the United States Coast Guard, for their generous contributions to help Gelotology Today bring you this report.

GT News is going along with the passengers, and will bring you the all the latest as it happens.

GT Needles Seattle's New Slogan -- Metronatural

GT News Editorial by Editor Dave

For all those travel bugs who put their plans to visit the beautiful state of Washington on hold until they announced their new slogan, pack your bags.

The Seattle tourism board is proud to announce their new slogan, "Seattle metronatural".

No, my spellchecker is not on the fritz (I had to teach it this hip new word; just hit 'Add' on the spellchecker menu).

Seattle's Convention and Visitors Bureau spent $200,000 coming up with this gem and plans to spend another $300,000 marketing the slogan, which is targeted at generating business for the Washington Convention and Trade Center.

Real estate tycoons are frothing at the mouth to get in on this deal. I can hear the conversation now.

(Star wipe to the real estate developer's meeting at Donald Trump's new Trump University )

Trump: I'm not saying I'm smarter, and richer, and better looking than everyone else to be braggadocios. It's just being honest. It is what it is.

Merv Griffin: True, but you don't own the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills, and have 15 Emmy Awards.

Trump: Wait until they see the new season of The Apprentice, you fat bastard.

Merv Griffin: So what now Trump, I'm bored.

Trump: I'm reading here Seattle has got a fly new slogan targeted at generating new business.

Merv: What is it?

Trump: It says here, Seattle metronatural. I wonder what it means.

Merv: Does that mean we're allowed to walk around the city naked?

Trump: I guess.

Merv: Well it's about time. I haven't done that since Vanna White threatened me with sexual harassment on the set of Wheel of Fortune.

Trump: (Trump buzzes secretary desk)

Secretary: Yes Sir?

Trump: Get my jet ready, Merv and I are buying the Space Needle.

(Star wipe back to blog)

Heck, for half of what they spent on that turd, I can come up with five better sitting on the crapper.

How about these:

Seattle, the suicide Capitol, and so much more!

Welcome to Seattle. Free umbrellas for everyone!

Don't go to California, you might get E-coli.

Seattle, where runaway children living in the street outnumber horny businessmen 5 to 1.

(Spoken in Mafia accent) Lakes? We got your lakes right here.

Watch, I'll get an email from the board tomorrow.

Mr. GT Editor,

The Seattle tourism board is pleased to inform you of our decision to change our most recent slogan 'Seattle metronatural' to one that you suggested in your GT Editorial column with some revisions.

We spent another $250,000 and our new slogan now reads, 'Don't go to California, come to Seattle, we won't give you E-coli.'

Expect a check in the mail for $200,00 and thank you for the great, new slogan!

Yours truly,
The Smacked Asses at the Seattle Tourism Board

P.S. We had an idea for your next editorial -- Merv Griffin has a really small weenie!

Psychologists Discover 'Stereotype Threat'

Psychologists have discovered what they call 'stereotype threat' -- a phenomenon in which individuals from stereotyped groups often "choke" in situations where those stereotypes are put to the test. It also contends people of contrasting groups, when told of this stereotype, unwittingly help prove the stereotype.

That's the claim of Psychologist Ima Jackoff, who has spent most of her career studying this effect.

For example women, who were told that men were better equipped genetically to solve math problems, performed worse on math tests than women not exposed to this notion. "In this way, theories about how people behave can end up influencing how they behave," said co-author Phil Mianus, an associate professor of cultural psychology at the National University of Electro Complex Homeopathy, Kanpur.

A "stereotype" is a generalization about a person or group of persons. In the absence of the "total picture," stereotypes in many cases allow us to "fill in the blanks." Our society often innocently creates and perpetuates stereotypes, but these stereotypes sometimes lead to unfair discrimination and persecution when the stereotype is unfavorable; however some stereotypes are not without merit. If, for instance, a study were released stating Japanese men have huge penises, you probably wouldn't believe it, even if you've never seen a Japanese penis.

"Our latest experiment took place at Thursday's NBA preseason matchup between the Tel Aviv Maccabi Elite and the Toronto Raptors at the Air Canada Centre," remarked Mianus. "At halftime, we informed Israel's most successful basketball club that African Americans are much better athletes than Israeli athletes. The Maccabi Elite team had led by as many as 13 points in the first half, but after we made the 'stereotype threat', the Tel Aviv team went on to have one of their most lopsided defeats in team history - 84 to 118."

GT News probed Mianus for more proof. "We entered a Chi Chi's mexican restaurant in New Jersey, and handed out pamphlets informing the patrons that Mexican food causes severe diarrhea. There was an immediate stampede to the restrooms. What a mess that was. They closed down after that study"

Does this prove that Mexican food really does cause loose, watery stools? Mianus directed us to Jackoff for the answer. "Don't put down that Chimichanga just yet," Jackoff said. "Because I think, at some level, they suspected what was written in the pamphlet, it had a profound effect on their bowels. Unfortunately, some ideas can have very undesirable consequences."

This seems to us to be a powerful tool, perhaps even a weapon, if used improperly by someone wanting to do us harm. Mianus visibly quivered at the thought. "I never looked at it that way." GT news suggested Jackoff 'n Mianus speak to Homeland security about implementing a color-coded warning similar to our terror threat level for this newly discovered 'stereotype threat'. The psychologists agreed to set up a meeting immediately.

GT will stay in touch with Mianus and Jackoff when they return from the high level meeting; and you, our readers, will be the first to know the outcome.

Muslim Match Makers

So much of the news today is negative with repects to our relationship with the Muslim community. GT would like to extend an olive branch to our Muslim friends by offering, free of charge, The GT Express Muslim Match Maker Service. This week: Muslim Women seeking Muslim Men between the ages of 21 and 50. May we all find peace and understanding and may you find love.

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Have a Ball -- Turkey Testicle Festival is on!

If you happen to be hanging out at Ft. Myers Beach, Florida, why not stop by the forth-annual Turkey Testicle Festival.

That's the message the Surf Club Bar wants to get out, now that the Fort Myers Beach Council voted 4-1 Monday to allow the Surf Club bar to use the Turkey Testicle Festival name.

Planners were left hanging while councilmen Bill Shenko and Garr Reynolds grappled with the issue. "Who cares what the name is," Mayor Dennis Boback said. "Money is going for a worthy cause." The festival has raised $3,000 a year on average for the Harry Chapin Food Bank. Says event planner Harry Satchels, "next year, in Mayor Boback's honor, we'll be changing the location and calling the event the fifth annual Boback Mountain Testicle Festival."

Fort Myers Beach residents were going nuts, placing over 300 'testicalls' into council headquarters. Even the military was polarized on the issue. Marines were calling for a boycott, while Seamen splurged for tickets.

Testicle Festivals are more popular than you might imagine. The Rock creek Lodge in Clinton, MT served up Bull Balls in their 24th annual Testicle Festival this past September; Buzzard's Cowboy Cuisine in Calgary, Alberta, Canada serves up, for a few weeks every summer, an unusual cowboy dish--prairie oysters (that's calves' testicles to you and me), and everyone's favorite breakfast--Biscuits, Balls and Gravy (shown). Not to be outdone, Frank and Carol's famous Turkey Testicle Festival in Union St. Station, Byron, IL serves up scrumptious scrotum to raise money for various charities, including Operation Santa Claus. Now that takes balls. Tired of this testicular testimonial? Don't start bawling, take a load off and listen to the Turkey Testicle Festival Song.

Psychic Cat Starts Fire, Fire Dog Saves Owner

Betty Fussenhouser, 49, of Rhine, Wisconsin, who is recovering in a Sheboygan hospital tonight, considers herself lucky after her cat started a house fire and her dog called for help.

The woman was taken to Sheboygan Memorial Hospital and her injuries are said to be non-life threatening.

The incident occurred Sunday night, when Salem, the woman's psychic cat, knocked a candle onto a chair during a weekly seance her pets hold in the dining room; you may recall the cat from a story reported on in September by our sister network, Pet Seances Today.

"Salem, through her powers of precognition, actually foresaw this disaster months ago," the proud pet owner said. "So far, she has been 100% accurate." GT News has yet to verify the woman's claim, but this we do know for sure: her dog Nunya saved her life. We asked Betty what the story was behind her heroic dog's name. "Nunya business," she replied. You got us Betty.

"When the fire first broke out, I panicked. I looked over to Salem but she was at a loss, unable to contact her spirit guides for assistance," Betty said. "But Nunya sprang into action. He picked up the phone, dialed 911 and handed it to me, and by the time I had hung up, he had the extinguisher in his mouth and was fighting back the flames. It was horrible," she recalled.

Nunya is a trained emergency technician and local volunteer firedog, and often came to the aid of Betty, who lost a leg in a car accident. He will be buried in the backyard, wearing the fire badge that became his trademark.

"Salem and I got out safely, Nunya stayed to fight the fire," she stammered. "Then all of the sudden Salem dashed back into the house. I assume she went back for her I-Ching coins, she loves those coins."

Firefighters never recovered the remains of the Psychic cat and Betty is still holding out hope. "We'll know by Saturday night," she said. "She has two readings scheduled."

U.S. Population to Hit 300 Million Tuesday

The U.S. Census Bureau today reported that the nation's population will reach the historic milestone of 300 million on Oct. 17 at about 7:46 a.m. (EDT). This comes almost 39 years after the 200 million mark was reached on Nov. 20, 1967.

The estimate is based on the expectation that the United States will register one birth every seven seconds and one death every 13 seconds between now and Oct. 17, while net international migration is expected to add one person every 31 seconds. The result is an increase in the total population of one person every 11 seconds

Gelotology Today Editor Dave adds: What haunts me is not food shortages from overpopulation, but rather the fact that the more people we have in the country, the closer we have to live to these freaks. Take for example, these "people", all vying to get famous from America's 300 millionth citizen.

Cooter and Hattie Farnsworth are expecting any day now, but Cooter has a plan. "I'm gonna make 'er work the hub cap farm in the front yard all mornin' Tuesday til she gives up dat baby! I'll gits me a 300 billion baby," Cooter said. Hattie quickly corrected him, "it's 300 Million you piece of crap, now gits me another berr."

We asked Cooter if Hattie was always a nagger.

"Naw, she's a little ol' white gal, but the last youngen' she had was a nagger. That's why I wants me one dem dayvorces."

We found this cute little whip outside the U.N building in New York on Saturday. Abdur Rahman, a 7-year-old from war torn Beruit, Lebanon, will become a U.S. citizen Tuesday morning. "God willing, I will become the 300 millionth citizen of this land of the great Satan," he said in that innocent, child-like manner. " Then I will strike like a theif in the night, sending the population back down to 200 million, when the Infidels feel the power of the true believers of the Prophet!" Aw, isn't he just the cutest thing you ever seen? Good Luck Abby!

Janet Werner, 31, of Oklahoma City, was discovered as we surfed the online auction site, ebay. She's taking bids all week for advertising space on her huge stomach. "Think of the exposure your company will receive when your ad is placed on the belly of the mother of our nation's 300 millionth person!" Janet said. We asked the soon-to-be-mom how she's so sure she'll gain the title. "At exactly 7:46 am, on my webcam at www.300m-baby.com/csection/webcam, I'm going to give myself a C-Section LIVE!" EDITOR: Maybe we should have told her about the time difference. ;)

"How this little fetus knows he's got 2 days to go is astounding!" That's what Dr. Chatam Patel told us at the ultrsound exam we attended at St. Mary Medical Center in Newtown, Pa. "I think we may have the country's 300 millionth citizen," he proclaimed, "or he's a tree-hugging liberal, we're just not 100% sure right now." Regardless, the Hospital is planning a big celebration. "We've ordered 300 million mylar balloons, so let's keep our fingers crossed." EDITOR: We will Dr. Chatam, we will.

In the years since the first "test tube baby" was born in 1978, physicians and scientists from RTY Hospital have been working to develop a viable technique for the successful impregnation of male individuals. Illustrated to the left is a photo taken this weekend of Edward Studman III, the first human subject to attempt this procedure, which shows the healthy fetus developing in his abdominal cavity. What better way for the first man ever to have a baby, than to have the 300 millionth.

"Men, as they grow older," Dr. Wilson observed playfully, "have already learned to cope with a steadily expanding waistline. Granted, well, this is a bit different." GT asked Ed if he was excited about the landmark birth. "My back aches, I've got bad acne, and my feet have swollen to a size 17, so what do you think?"

EDITOR: This one we just threw in as a joke!

Disney Character Minnie Mouse in Internet Sex Video

Move over Janet Jackson and Pamela Anderson, Minnie Mouse has the latest raunchy Internet video.

The Walt Disney Company publicly stated on Thursday that "appropriate action" has been taken against it's euro-trash employees who took time out from their jobs as costumed Disney characters to have a backstage 'Minnie-menage a trois', and it was all captured on video.



It is unknown at this time if any of the employees at the Paris Disneyland have been dismissed, or what action will be taken. The poor quality video, shot backstage in the employee dressing room, shows Goofy grabbing Minnie from behind, and simulating 'doggie style' sex with the mouse. Minnie then struggles to free herself from the assault, only to be rolled over by the giant Snowman character, in a cold-blooded attempt at anal insertion; it was only by the grace of God that the Snowman was ill equipped for the sexual assault.

"The behavior shown on the video is unacceptable and inexcusable," Disney said in a statement. "We've had employees cross the line of what is considered acceptable in the past, but this is fu*king goofy," he said. "Walt is turning over in his grave right now."

The Disneyland debauchery continues as Mickey Mouse, in a scene reminiscent of Brokeback Mountain, mounts the Snowman, and the balling begins. If this doesn't chill you to the bone, the sound of Disney's trademark chipmunks, Chip and Dale, squealing with delight at the depravity will.



"Executives at the park are outraged," our source inside the theme park revealed. "The organization never tolerates any behavior that could taint its spotless image. They will be desperate to get to the bottom of this."

Goofy then grabs one of the chipmunks from behind and he becomes the latest victim. It is not clear in the video which of the two critters is on the receiving end.
"Dale is certainly the more capricious and flutter-witted of the two, and the slightly more logical Chip frequently has to bring him back in line, even if by force," our source told us.

Gelotology Today got some of the other Disney characters to go on record about the incident.

We tried to wake Snow White so she could comment but to no avail. Her filthy trailer was in a deplorable state and littered with apple cores and feces from all the woodland creatures that surrounded her.

We did, however, reach Bambi by cell phone and asked the fawn for her reaction. "I haven't seen the video...was Thumper there?" she asked. We assured her he was not present in the video. "Thank goodness," she gasped. "The very survival of the forest may hang in the balance."

Cinderella was furious. "Why wasn't I invited?" she exclaimed. "My f'in stepmother is behind this!" She then quickly hung up.

Count on Gelotology Today to bring you the latest developments in this ongoing investigation.

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Archaeologist Discover 18th Century Store

A five-year-long archaeological project in Fort Edward, N.Y. that has yielded everything from musket balls to human remains has unearthed an unusual discovery.A 250-year-old Starbucks.

The find, to be published in the November issue of Archaeology Today, includes among other things, cups, menus, and a 3-foot wide storefront sign.

"I thought that Starbucks were everywhere, but this is ridiculous," said Steven Grepner, the lead archaeologist at the Hudson River site.

By mid-2004, Starbucks had more than 8,000 retail outlets worldwide and was opening new stores at the rate of about three every day. The company planned to open about 1,500 new stores in 2005, including 425 to be located outside the United States. Starbucks has set an eventual goal of 25,000 Starbucks outlets around the world, putting the company on a par with McDonalds and its 30,000 locations. In fact, as soon as the dig is completed, this site too will become a Starbucks.

"One of the most interesting artifacts uncovered is the menu," Grepner boasted. Choices included a 'Decaf Aristocrat', a 'Radical Whig White Chocolate Mocha', and a 'Loyalist Caffe Latte' and came in Apprentice, Patriot, and Revolutionary sizes. "They weren't cheap," Grepner said. "A Revolutionary Radical Wig White Chocolate Mocha set a colonist back the equivalent of $63 at the current rate of inflation."

The most startling discovery was the unsanitary condition of the 18th century Starbucks bathroom. Remarked Grepner, "Some things just never change."

Court Settles Fecal Matter

A Chicago man on trial for drug charges said sorry for spreading his feces around the courtroom. He had been found guilty previously with the importation of a controlled substance, cocaine (no, feces is not a controlled substance, although I think it should be), and two other charges.

The suspect, who took matters into his own hands, is 28, and was sentenced to more than 10 years in prison.

"Im going to take full responsibility for everything I did in Duluth," he told the court. "I want to apologize for everything I did in court. I'm sorry, your Honor... and by the way, you missed a spot," he said, pointing; "right there, on your left cheek."

His lawyer said defending the man, "...has been a real crap-shoot."

He requested that the Judge place him on probation; the judged ruled against the defendant on the drug charges, but wiped the slate clean on the feces charges. "I think everyone was hoping the Judge would throw out that evidence," his attorney said, still clutching a Lysol wipe.

The suspect's mother was in attendance, dutifully providing everyone in the courtroom the wipes from her handbag. "You should've seen what he did when I told him he had to move out of my house," she said. "I'm still disinfecting."

For her generosity, the Mayor erected a statue outside the courthouse in her honor. The work is entitled, "The Lysol Lady."

GT Quickies

Republican congressman Mark Foley of Florida was denounced today by Gay groups across the nation for sexually explicit AOL Instant Messages and E-mails he sent to 16 and 17-year-old males who worked as pages at the U.S. Capitol. That's pretty bad when the degenerates nationwide think you're a pervert. During a search of his home investigators found all the incriminating crap in his Foley Bag.
Can you believe this guy had the nerve to blame his Roman Catholic priest, with claims the priest molested him as a teenager. They didn't even have Instant Messaging back then. What next, blaming Al Gore because he invented the Internet? Oh yeah, and he admitted he was gay...Well Duh!
Hindsight being 20/20, AOL feels they may have exaserbated his addiction, and is considering changing the famous, "You've Got Male" anouncement so popular on the service.

Tennessee Titans defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth finally got the chance Oct. 3 to personally apologize to Andre Gurode for tearing open the Dallas Cowboys center's face with a cleat. Along with the apology Haynesworth is sending front row tickets for the whole family to attend the Musical 'Stomp'.

Convicted terrorists locked up in U.S. prisons can still use mail and instant messaging to conduct terrorist or criminal activities, according to a report issued Tuesday by the Department of Justice's inspector general. That's great news. Who are the idiots letting them use E-mail? A red flag should have gone up when the user ID name: 'I_will_ kill_all_americans' was logged into the prison E-mail server. Turns out that Richard Reid aka the mad shoe bomber was posing as a 16-year-old page on AOL Instant Messenger and having cyber sex with Rep. Mark Foley.

The Philadelphia Eagles will be hiding all the sharp objects and putting away all the pill bottles at the Link this week when T.O. and the Dallas Cowboys come to town for their matchup this Sunday in Philadelphia, Pa.
"T.O. is killing himself in practice this week," an unidentified source on the Cowboys said.

GT Consumer Corner

Now if your mobile telephone is stolen, you can scream _ and your phone can, too. A new service launched Monday is designed to deter mobile phone theft by equipping telephones with an ear-piercing scream.

The screaming won't stop unless the battery is removed. Even if the thief replaces the phone's SIM card, the handset will not work.

All customers' information is centrally stored, so contacts, ringtones, pictures, texts and other data can be retrieved when a new handset is purchased. The service costs about $18 a month.

The goal of the service is to make mobile phones useless to anyone but the rightful owner.
"We'll see the market for stolen handsets stamped out once and for all," the inventor said.

Other inventions being prepared for market are a refrigerator that insults you when you eat too much, a home computer that snitches on family members with undesirable computing habits, and a toilet that begs to be cleaned.

The refrigerator, being marketed under the name "Smart Aspirations", utilizes facial recognition technology and RFID tags embedded in food products to determine not only who is raiding the fridge, but also what they are removing from it.

Enter your family members' names, weights and dietary restrictions, and let the monitoring begin. Going for the 'Chunkey Monkey' one too many times prompts the unit to say, "Your so fat, your idea of a balanced diet is a ham in both hands." Other weight loss motivators include "that's your third soda today, you get any heavier and we'll have to take your picture from outer space", "your so fat when you turn around, friends hold a welcome back party", and "eat anymore of that cheese my friend, and you'll be bound up for a week." Look for this item in December.

The Cyber-Snitch XPS will change the way the family uses the home computer forever.
The intuitive set-up is a snap and you'll soon be wondering how you got along without it.
Have the kids been surfing where they ought not be surfing? It will snitch the minute the parents log on. The husband hiding the Internet porn window under his financial website? Snagged. The teenaged daughter meeting who she thinks is a 15 year old from a chat room at the mall? This computer will recall verbatim the whole chat session. This computer keeps the whole family honest, and safe.

'Johnny The Clean Latrine' is now on the scene. Did you ever have guests over and someone makes a disgusting mess in the bathroom and despite your best investigative skills, you can't figure out who was the culprit? Well end the excrement exploratory process because this tell-tale toilet talks.

Sensors in the bowl, seat, and two-foot square area surrounding the unit sense a mess and at first, 'Johnny' will issue a warning. Say, for instance, you miss and piddle on the floor; well 'urine' for a shock! 'Johnny' warns, "You missed the bowl, please clean the floor...failure to comply will lead to documentation of this event."

Blue-Tooth technology enables the Administrator to print out reports and incriminating photographs with just a push of the "Who Did What" bio-scan button. With the optional 'Peg, the Paper Roll" installed, it will even inform the young ones when tissue paper in the bowl has reached maximum capacity, forever ending those annoying clogs and overflows. Set it for 'overhand' or 'underhand' bath tissue installation and 'Peg' will make sure guests know which way you like the paper hung. "Johnny The Clean Latrine" is available now at a home improvement center near you.

The Mob and Al-Qaida...Perfect Together

A GT News Exclusive

The FBI's top counterterrorism official harbors lots of concerns: weapons of mass destruction, undetected homegrown terrorists and the possibility that old-fashioned mobsters will team up with al-Qaida for the right price.

Though there is no direct evidence yet of organized crime collaborating with terrorists, the first hints of a connection surfaced in a recent undercover FBI operation. Agents stopped a man with alleged mob ties from selling missiles to an informant posing as a terrorist middleman.

That case and other factors are heightening concerns about a real-life episode of the Sopranos teaming with Osama bin Laden's followers.

GT News has an undercover reporter embedded with the mob and secretly recorded this high level meeting between the two groups. Note the names and locations have been ommitted to protect the identity of our man on the inside.

This should send a chill down the spine of every American who hears it.

Start tape

Mob boss: Hey Joey, send in that sand flea, you f*in babbo

Underling: Right boss

(al-Qaida opererative enters)

Mob boss: So you da towel head wants us to wack somebody?

al-Qaida: God willing. We cannot overstate our hatred for infidels.

Mob boss: We aint got no Zinfendel, We got a nice Merlot.

al-Qaida: I do not know of this man, is he a strong fighter?

Mob boss: Listen ali Babba, you wanna make a marrige or wat?

al-Qaida: I already have enough wives, Praise Allah; but you are very kind Mr. Godfather.

Mob boss: Ok, funny guy,I'll give you a pass this time. Now we was thinkin', you f*in camel jockeys got some oil right. Now here's da deal, you get what you want; we get what we want. We wanna skim of this oil action, say ten a barrel, and we'll hit the mattress with whoever you want.

al-Qaida: We do not want you to lay with anyone. There is some misunderstanding. This is Jihad.

Mob boss: Hey Joey, look that word up.

Underling: Where boss?

Mob boss: In the f*in Arab to Mafia dictionary right here on my desk you goombah.

al-Qaida: Are you familiar with the use of IED's?

Mob boss: Are you f*in kiddin' me? My girl's got one in her; keeps her from gettin' knocked up.

al-Qaida: May she meet Allah quickly when she detonates.

Mob boss: Joey, get ready to take a walk with this pyramid pushin pri*k.
Underling: Where to boss?

Mob boss: To the middle of the the dessert you F*ck head. Then wack yourself.

end tape

FBI estimates say they should be on the same page by sometime in late 2009 and will be the greatest threat the free world has ever faced.